I've always wanted to write a book and never knew where to start. Recently I've gone through some changes that have prompted me to write and see where it takes me.
I want to write a fiction novel - a thriller/romance. I'm a little dark, so maybe it could fall under the horror category, too. I haven't decided yet.
I'm almost finished writing my third chapter and thought I'd run my first chapter across you guys for some constructive criticism.
It's a rough draft, so I'll be expanding the first chapter quite a bit later, but I'm satisfied with my start.
My target audience is adults ages 18 to maybe 30? It woukd probably appeal more to ages 18-24.
Anyway, here it is. Thank you guys!
Dallas, Texas
June 10, 2012
Elijah Tanner was sound asleep in his bed, dreaming of Aurora King and her everlasting beauty. He yearned for the day she would be in his arms - for when her curly white-blonde hair and indigo blue eyes would be the very first thing he’d rest his hungry, crystal blue eyes upon in the mornings.
Aurora was standing in the middle of a field that was glowing with blossoming wildflowers, none of them comparing to the heavenly glow that radiated from Aurora King’s picturesque body.
She began to frown, her gentle, apologetic eyes overflowing with tears. “What is it?” Elijah asked her. Aurora slowly shook her pretty head from side to side, looking up at Elijah while instructing him to wake up. “What do you mean wake up? Why?” he asked her.
Despite being in a deep, peaceful sleep, Elijah knew exactly why he needed to wake up. He knew this feeling too well and he didn't want to open his eyes. He wanted to be invisible just one time.
As Elijah became more aware of his surroundings, he could hear his mother screeching in the background.
The screeching wasn't abnormal; Elijah’s parents, Ronald and Laney Tanner, suffered from post traumatic stress disorder and were usually either arguing or screaming because of nightmares, so a little screeching wasn't enough to force Elijah out of bed.
Ronald Tanner was an army veteran who was diagnosed with PTSD after he watched three of his army brothers explode overseas. He went awol shortly after the explosion and served ten years in military prison in addition to being dishonorably discharged from the United States Army.
Laney Tanner was not a veteran, but she suffered years of sexual abuse at the hands of her step father, so she was pretty far gone, too.
The bickering between Ron and Laney had grown significantly more severe over the past few months as Elijah approached high school graduation - Laney was afraid for Elijah to graduate and move out because she feared what that would mean for her safety. Ron did not want Elijah to graduate because he would not be able to control him anymore once he started his own life.
Elijah graduated last week and stayed with friends as much as possible to escape the never-ending hostility.
He groaned as his mother continued to howl and squeal. “Shut up!” he hollered. It was six in the morning for crying out loud.
“Help! Elijah, help, please!” he heard Laney cry.
Elijah immediately scrambled out of bed and wiggled into a pair of basketball shorts as fast as he could. He’d heard his mother cry, scream, and yell at Ronald to leave her alone, but not once in 18 years had she ever screamed at Elijah for help.
He swung his bedroom door open as fast as he could, fearing what the situation might look like on the other side of the door. He never knew how bad it was going to be with a pair like Ronald and Laney.
Laney was approaching Elijah’s bedroom as he opened his door. “Get back in there!” she demanded. “What the hell, mom? Why are you acting so crazy?!” Laney pushed Elijah backwards, followed him into his room, and locked the door. She pushed his dresser in front of it.
“We have to escape through your window,” Laney said.
“What?” Elijah asked. “Can you please slow down? Are you sure it's so bad that we have to escape through a window? What is going on?!”
Ronald started beating on the door. “Laney, if you try to pull anything sneaky I swear it will be the last thing you do! Don't you brainwash that boy! Unlock the door! NOW!”
Elijah glanced over at Laney, who was choking on tears and begging Elijah to run away with her. “Mom,” he said. “Why don’t you let me talk to dad? I calmed him down last time, remember? I'm going to let him in.”
Between her helpless chokes and shakiness, Laney warned him, “Elijah, son, I love you more than anything. I mean that - but I am leaving with or without you. And I'm leaving this minute. We can go to the shelter. Please.” Laney stared at Elijah with dark, frightened eyes.
A sigh pushed its way past Elijah’s lips. “This is ridiculous. I’m going to calm him down,” he murmured.
As Elijah’s mother began clearing items that were blocking access to the window, Elijah started to push the dresser away from his door.
“I'm gonna let you in, dad,” he hollered. “That’s my boy,” said Ronald calmly.
Just as Elijah moved the dresser out of the way and turned the lock with his trembling fingers, he glanced back and saw his mother’s foot disappear as she leapt into the grass. Ronald shoved the door open and Elijah immediately regretted his decision to move the dresser.
Before Elijah could speak a word, his father forced his way past him and darted towards the window. As Ronald put his hands on the windowsill to jump outside, Elijah caught a glimpse of a butcher knife in his father’s right hand. Elijah ran towards his father as he jumped out of the window and headed straight for Laney.
By the time Elijah made it through the window he could see Ronald dragging Laney back into their yard by her hair. Laney was squealing and crying for help. Elijah wanted to close his eyes and disappear, but he knew he had to act fast.
He paused for a moment to compose his thoughts. He deeply inhaled, looked up at the sky, and did a little shake with his whole body as if he were shaking the day away. As he lowered his head to normal level, he reluctantly accepted the unfortunate truth that there was no such thing as shaking the day away - at least not on a day as devastating as this one.
Ronald had Laney on the ground about one foot in front of their front door. He was reaching for the butcher knife, which was now in his back right pocket. Elijah and his mother made brief eye contact before he bolted towards them.
As Elijah reached his parents, he punched his father in the back of the head. Ronald didn't acknowledge him.
Elijah quickly understood that he didn't stand a chance against his father, a seasoned fighter, a trained army veteran, a man with many years of experience under his belt.
There was no time to call the police - Laney would be dead before they even answered Elijah's phone call.
He did the only other thing he knew to do: jump on top of his mother and protect her the best he could.
Ronald had already stabbed Laney once in the lower abdomen when Elijah jumped between them, the front of his body on Laney and his back against his dad. “I’m sorry,” Elijah whispered as he and Laney made eye contact for the very last time.
Ronald stabbed Elijah through the back of his right shoulder. Elijah’s vision started to fade away as he focused on the relentless stinging that was pulsating throughout his entire body. His father stabbed him again - this time between the shoulder blades. Elijah collapsed on top of his mother, who sounded like she was screaming one hundred thousand miles away.
Elijah felt his father flip his body over and lay him to the left of his mother. He turned his head to the side as Ronald stabbed Laney in the side of her neck. She made her final screech, her blood soaking the welcome mat that lay underneath her upper body.
Elijah took a good look at his mom before looking up at his father. Ronald stared into his soul with icy, haunted eyes that belonged to a soulless, empty shell of a man. Elijah could hear blood curdling screams erupting out of people in his peripheral vision. He saw his father stand up to face the group of people, but he blacked out before he saw what happened next. Maybe it was better that way.
That was very intense but also very well written. I want to read what happens next. Seems like Elijah is dead or near dead, so we'll see where this goes. Good job!
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