Am I a Writer, Now?

I’m not a writer.

I have a lot to say; I’m a ranter, complainer, commenter… sometimes a hater or troll.

No one cares what I have to say – I can’t even properly structure a college essay without going over it twenty times before turning it in.

I’m an over-thinker. Did I say that right? Did they get my point? I forgot to add… Ah, no one is going to read/like/appreciate that rubbish.

Am I a writer, now?

I’ve typed long, well-thought statuses on Facebook. I’ve gotten A’s on papers where I was meant to use persuasive language and properly place semi-colons and commas… does that make me a writer? The New York Times has never read one of my short stories. No one has. The thought of someone reading them and then having an opinion on them makes my chest tighten, my forehead sweat and my stomach lurch. Why? I don’t care what people think… or do I?

What would make me a writer?

My friend told me about Steem, yesterday, and swore I’d be brilliant. Why? How? We’ve talked about The Rants of an Angry Lesbian – my penname, of sorts, should I start my own blog. Wouldn’t that limit me to both ranting and speaking on my sexuality? Or is it just a name to make me more memorable? Do I need a name to write? My last name is Quackenbush – no one will listen to that.

How the fuck do I become a writer?

…. Do I even want to be a writer? You start out with a multitude of subjects and ideas and passions only to slowly use them all, write them all, show them all… then what? Do you just start pulling things out of your ass? Pouring over your keyboard, elaborating on shit that doesn’t matter to you in the slightest, but – hey – fake it til you make it! Did I even use those hyphens correctly?

What the hell is a writer, anyway?

Is there a proper structure to this? What the hell is an antagonist and what if I just want to write a damn story and let people read it? Would they pick apart my grammar and comment on the fact that my series of events didn’t even match up? Or would they actually focus on what I was trying to say? The idea I wanted to get across? The philosophy I was tapping into?

Why do we structure ab.so.fucking.lutely. everything?!

I did not use periods, correctly, there. Is writing about the structure or the message? Do I even have a message or am I just writing for the sake of being heard? And even if I am heard, what happens, then? Do people click ‘share’ or ‘upvote’ and go back to being shitty humans? Do they nod and click the next link? Does anything come of it or do I just leave my words out in the interwebs to be lost in the billions and trillions of characters already present without changing the world?

Why do I even want to change the world? I'll die. You'll die. They'll die. Everyone dies. Does it really matter? We basically give birth to children so they can experience heartache, hunger, depression.... but also laughter, excitement, love -- is it worth it? Why do I care...?

I question every sentence I put down. You’d think the computer were a human just staring at me, listening to me and growing more agitated by the second. Everclear. We’re friends. I can write anything with her. That’s not healthy. I should stop.

Should this be my rough draft or should I just post it?

I am not a writer.