The Decision

If you would have asked me 2 years ago, if I thought I was going to get out of Indiana, I think I would have just laughed at you and shook my head. Indiana was all I knew and Indiana was by far one of the cheapest places to live. Since I couldn’t even find my way out of my parents’ house, I certainly would not be finding my way out of Indiana any time soon. Fast forward 2 years later and not only can I say I made it out of my parents’ house, I made it out of Indiana and I made it out of the United States. I can pin point all my luck, as I so lovingly refer to it, to one major decision that snowballed into even bigger decisions and sacrifices.
I was sitting in my parent’s recliner one day, in a heap of self-pity and doubt. Beating myself up over failing my children and my ex-husband. The world of self-loathing that comes from a divorce, especially a divorce that ended in your partner having an affair is unsettling. All you can think of is, why did they cheat? What did I do wrong? How did I let them down? How did I let my children down? Logically it was nothing you did, but I think it comes with the territory of a cheating partner. I couldn’t even stand to look at myself at this point.
I lost my home, my belongings, my world and I had two little girls looking at me to take care of them. I had failed all around and I had even allowed myself to depend on someone who could easily take everything away from me, I had nothing to show for it. There was no way I could take care of my girls, I had been a stay at home mom and I barely had enough experience to get a job that would allow me to care for my girls, get a place to rent and feed them. I could see myself latching on to some guy and hoping he could take care of my girls and I, but I would end up in the same boat I was in now. So, what am I to do?
I grabbed my mom’s laptop and started to look up schools. The thought process in my brain at that time after all, was a bit hazy. Although I hated myself and felt like the world’s biggest failure, I knew one thing was for sure, I didn’t want to end up in this boat all over again. I started to look up schools for Forensics. I knew I didn’t have the time to go to a four-year college, but if I could get some sort of degree I may get a job one day in which I could take care of my two daughters. I may live pay check to pay check, but I would be on my own and encouraging my girls to have a better life then I have.
I came across DeVry University and found digital forensics Degree or more accurately Criminal Justice Bachelor’s Degree with a focus in Digital Forensics. I walked into the school and met with the guidance counselor and started school a week later. I figured I would be out of school due to my horrible math skills, but I had passed. Not only did I pass I passed with all A’s and my confidence went I up a little higher.
Although this decision would be deemed a huge decision for anyone to make in such a short time, it’s really all the time I needed. There were two roads I could have taken and only one made me feel comfortable with my future. I could be a mom on welfare, taking care of my girls on government assistance, hoping to rope another guy into our life. Maybe have him take care of us and grow resentment towards me and my children only to walk out all over again or I could stand up get through college, hope to find a job that would pay enough to take care of my girls and me. I wanted to work hard get what I wanted and know that it couldn’t be taken away ever again. That was the only part of the decision that clicked for me, get what we need to build a home and get it myself so it couldn’t be taken away from us ever again.