My Lifelong Obsession, a Freewrite

in addiction •  2 years ago 

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I have been longing for a cigarette for more than 40 years.

When I was young, so much younger than today (sorry), I smoked a fair amount. No more than 6 or 8 fags a day usually, but still, that was too much. Eventually I would start having a raspy voice and sore throat at all times. When this happened, I would try to quit smoking.

My technique was to put off my first cigarette of the day as long as I could stand it, eventually smoking only one in the evening, or when I went out. I'd then stop altogether for a while. After a month or more (one time I made it a full year), I would tell myself that I could handle a drag or two. But the first drag was too light, the second too strong, and I would think "I’ve come this far, I need to have one good drag."

Of course one good drag always relit my love of cigarettes, and I would be right back at the beginning, smoking all day long.

I finally quit by telling myself I could start up again when I was 60 years old. I craved cigarettes every single day until my 60th birthday. I would have had a cigarette then too, except that I told one of my daughters my plan, and she begged me not to do it.

I guess my daughter won, because here I am closing in on 70 and I still have not had a single drag since I was 25.

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This is my entry to @mariannewest's daily freewrite challenge. Today's prompt is longing for a cigarette.

I once again used the most dangerous writing app. Here's a screen shot to prove it. I love this app now. I don't think I will ever write another freewrite without it. Why not?

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