Okay, so here's an update:
I have ADHD. That's not usually a big deal to admit. However, I'm 37, and I got diagnosed last month. That means that for 37 years, I've had a cognitive deficit that's been chalked up to quirks of my personality. As I grew up, the untreated symptoms gradually chipped away at my academic success, and I began failing classes. I became depressed, and so doctors labeled me "depressed", and put me on prescription drugs.
Later, in college, my symptoms persisted. I struggled to get work done, to even make it to class on time. I would forget things so frequently, that I developed a severe anxiety disorder. It's not so bad to be forgetful, until you're metacognizant that you're forgetting something, and then it seizes you. You start doing things to feel better about being prepared. You change clothes before going out for the day. And then again. And then again. And then your doctor says, "Oh, that's just anxiety, as well as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder", and promptly puts you on more drugs.
Here's the thing- The region of the brain impaired by ADHD is responsible for all the Executive Functions, including, but not limited to, Planning, Problem Solving, Inhibitory Control ("self-control"), and Working Memory (short-term memory). The medicine prescribed to me for depression, anxiety, OCD, etc., is designed to work by inhibiting unwanted excess brain activity. So, when I took it, my symptoms were simply compounded. I ended up suffering majorly, to the point that I basically failed half my classes one semester. I had my first panic attack, and doctors, seeing only what was in front of them, confirmed their own biases.
I would spend the next 15 years moving job to job, unable to motivate myself to dig in deep and make a go of anything substantial (no planning, problem solving, foresight). Fun fact: all or nearly all positive emotion is generated as a result of goal achievement or progress. You feel good when you figure out a plan. That's dopamine. You feel better when you cross a step of your list. That's dopamine. You feel fantastic when you accomplish your goal. That's dopamine. Guess what I couldn't do, or get?
Right.
Today I got a prescription for Adderall. I can't quite describe the effects, but I did the dishes, went to work, built a shelf in my kitchen (on a whim), made popcorn for the boys, and I'm so happy about that, I'm blogging for the first time in three years.
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