alone. A
lot. It's
not that I
prefer to
be alone,
but I generally did not go out during the week (even less so
when I started taking care of my niece), I use a
lot of my free
time to do homework, and looking back on my life it's just
how it has been.
I spent a lot of time alone. That type of
alone is a choice. I choose not to go out or to put my classes
above everything else. Now, here at CSU it's different.
I am
not alone because I want to be, I am alone because I am
excluded.
The difference hurts, you see all of the people in
your dorm
hall go to dinner without you, or they go to parties and don't
invite you.
They walk into your room to talk to your
roommate and barely glance your way before pretending you
aren't there at all. It's tough being different, being awkward in
a way they don't understand. I am here and I am so focused
on school that partly, in the beginning, it was me. I did push
them away, I was invited to a party and declined because I
had failed a quiz.
I had been invited to dinner a couple times
-- and I went -- but my silence or commentary must not
have been what they thought it should be.
I know I am weird and awkward and different. I have always
known these things, and I have embraced them. But there is
more to me than that, and the kids here are just as cruel as
the kids in elementary, middle, or high school.
I feel lonely
because no one has offered up conversation, I initiate all of
them if I talk to anyone in the hall. No one has offered
friendship, even though one of the girls here is friends with
another one of my friends.