Does it ever happen to you that you think you're saying the right thing but then end up suffering anxiety for days because of it?
I thought that talking about my situation as it is would merely build an authentic connection, so when my martial arts trainer and I ended up sitting at the beach alone, I told him about what's going on in my life. At training he knew nothing about my private life, I mean I think he knew that I am financially struggling, which is why he gave me a very generous discount for the sessions without me having to ask for it, but he didn't know how bad the situation is.
So when we found ourselves chilling on the beach while everyone else went off for a walk, we connected in conversation. He told me about some of the struggles he's had to overcome in life, and in turn I told him about mine. He invited me for lunch that day and for a couple of drinks. It was his birthday that day.
In the evening he was going out with his son and a teammate of his for a birthday dinner, and at first I wasn't a part of that plan, but when the guys returned his son asked me whether I will be joining them later for supper, to what my response was silence. Silence because I wasn't invited and probably because I really wanted to be. Why? Because I felt a desperation to fit in, be accepted, to become a part of the group, make new friends, and to be viewed as one of the gang. That morning I had had my third training session with the team.
I looked at him in silence, I think I made a noise similar to 'errr...' until one of them said 'come out with us'. I can't manage to recall whether it was the same guy or whether it was my trainer who said that. But anyhow I agreed to. Minutes after my trainer said that since they will be taking me out, I will gift them a portrait of them bunch in exchange (I paint). Fair deal to me!
Perhaps the anxiety had kicked off for me at this point subconsciously, I can't say for sure. By the time I returned home that night though it was already blown out of proportion. Following me around the house all day the morning after.
The dinner was lovely, at a gorgeous and entertaining restaurant with live music. I made my best to engage in conversation with both the birthday boy and the other two of his guests. It was only us four. At one point in the night I did sneak away to the bar and ordered a round of shots for the table, I wanted to do at least one act of courtesy to show that I am not taking advantage of the situation. I paid 20 euros for the four of them. For me that was a lot, considering that my only income was 30 euros per week for the time being. They paid almost 700 euros for the dinner.
The anxiety... I think it manifested because I felt that now they viewed me as the poor girl, the one who they are obliged to invite if they were ever to hang out with me again... I really hope that this is mere paranoia from my side.
I feel stuck in my situation, although I am working on three projects simultaneously that could generate me an income down the line if all goes well. but it will take months until that happens, and if it happens at all. What I am anxious about is the today. I don't want to be looked upon as someone who takes advantage, I want to be an equal.
If I could rewind back 42 hours, I would have not mentioned how much money I am currently making, I would have left a lot unsaid in order to remain a mystery in their eyes, and perhaps then I would be seen differently.
Do you think my anxiety is valid?