A Prisoner Within Myself

Anxiety. It is a hell of a disorder. You do not have to be doctor-diagnosed to know you have it. Like many, I am self-diagnosed. I do not need a professional to tell me that my feelings of depression, constant worry, over-thinking, etc. are from anxiety. Like the title depicts, I am a prisoner within myself. This disorder keeps my mind and emotions hostage. I am always finding myself never knowing what to do, always feeling worthless, always feeling alone. Perhaps that is why I seem to unconsciously jump into new relationships; they distract me from my own thoughts, which I am constantly imprisoned within. Being with someone gives me a sense of company, even if the person I am with I feel I can not talk to on a personal level. When I start to think on a subject I find my heart racing and myself becoming increasingly upset, often over nothing worth stressing over. My negative thoughts consume me and I become nauseous. My thoughts may conume me to the point that I find myself breathing heavily and feeling claustrophobic, often needing to get away from a crowd or out of a place which is stressing me out. Occasionally I drink to numb my body from the stress but when I do not I find myself increasingly irritable and having to distance myself from anyone and everyone. Unfortunately, these thoughts have lead to ideas that I have no reason for being around, but never has action been taken to attempt to take my life. I know deep down that I have so much to offer. My family and friends do not know of my silent disorder, they only see my unexplained moodiness and all of the time that I spend alone, hardly ever leaving my house. I do not want them to know of my constant depression, in fear that they may never understand. They may tell me to "suck it up," or "you are over-reacting," or "it is all in your head." That is the problem, it IS all in my head and I can not escape it. It looks like I have it all figured out; all of my plans for my future. Being as I was successful in graduating as Valedictorian of my Senior Class and am moving for college soon, everyone thinks I have it easy and can achieve anything. However, in reality, my anxiety holds me back from my own life. I stay scared. I stay worried. I stay upset and drowning in my own thoughts. No matter how strong I act through the day, I cry every single night because I let my anxiety overcome me like a tsunami. Sometimes I cry over everything, sometimes it is all from the past, sometimes it is just the idea of worthlessness and desolation. No one has any idea of how broken I am, which probably does not help the lonely feeling I experience. I fear people knowing of my anxiety who do not take it seriously or even care. Coping with the disorder has been quite the struggle, so when I feel overwhelmed I often write about what is troubling me, like I am now. This often eases my pain. I do not seek help in fear of being percieved as weak or petty. I write this in hopes of letting others know and feel that they are not alone. So many people struggle with anxiety and there is someone out there who can more than relate to any problems you are experiencing. I understand that many do not like to talk about their experiences with this disorder, I am one of those people. Writing this is out of my comfort zone but I hope that this will provide at least one person with relief in the idea that they are not alone.