How To Win An Argument Without Making An Enemy

It’s fun to win an argument. Go ahead. Admit to basking in a wave of satisfaction, knowing you got the better of someone. Take advantage of it while it lasts.

That gleeful taste of victory dies faster than the flavour of fruit-striped gum. Winning an argument is a transitory experience. Once you claim supremacy, the clock begins to tick. The person on the losing end never forgets the pleasure someone reaps at their expense.
On one of my first sales calls, my prospect and I disagreed on whether he paid the lowest rates available. Back then, I obsessed over being right and felt compelled to prove my point.
“Here,” I said. “How about I show you the published rates.“
“I’ve seen ‘em already,” he said.
I knew he hadn’t, and it was pointless to argue, so I slid the paper across his desk. He looked at it and then conceded he paid too high of a rate.
I had won the argument.
Then he dismissed me from his office with the four-word phrase every salesperson hates.
“We’ll let you know.”
That’s code for, I’ll never call you again; nor will I take your calls.
I’d like to say I learned my lesson after that, but it took me many years to understand this basic tenet of human nature. Nobody enjoys being told they’re wrong. Even if they know it, they’ll resent you for pointing it out. And if you gloat? Well, you know how that feels.
I knew this intellectually, but in the heat of battle, I lacked the tools to guide disagreements to soft landings. I’d run out of things to say and end arguments with that tired phrase, let’s agree to disagree — the worst way to settle a conflict. It’s like when a married couple goes to bed angry. They set the stage for a bitter battle the next day.
The only way to win a disagreement or an argument, especially a heated one, is to end it in a way where nobody feels beaten or embarrassed. To achieve that, you must control your emotions and deploy the right tools.
The Dignified Agreement
On sales calls, I always began with a dignified agreement — an honourable understanding between two people. I used it as a tool to set the ground rules for a meeting: allotted time, format, next steps, and decision.
Think of the last time you bought anything pricey. Did you feel tension when it came time to make a decision? To minimize that, we’d establish a set of rules to ease the discomfort we both knew would come.
“When we finish, I’ll ask you if you’re interested. If you’re not, I request that you tell me no. I won’t take it personally. Can we agree on that?”
It always lightened the pressure and allowed us to proceed without that moment of tension hanging over us.
With small modifications, this tool also helps you avoid the negativity that accompanies arguments.
If you’re discussing a topic or negotiating something contentious, begin with something like this: “I sense our opinions differ on this. I’m okay if we disagree, but let’s agree to maintain civility and end with a handshake if one of us wants out.”
Once the other person knows there’s an emergency exit, they’ll relax and feel less defensive. Don’t abuse that trust by taking an aggressive posture in hopes of persuading them. Trickery always backfires.
The Overriding Emotion
No matter how good your agreement, emotions sometimes escalate, especially when you argue over deeply held beliefs and values: money, politics, religion.
Disagreements spiral out of control from a back and forth volley of negative energy. You hold power to stifle that energy and influence the outcome by forcing your mind to get curious about the other person’s motivations.
I call curiosity the overriding emotion because it temporarily supplants other feelings — even ones of anger, frustration, and resentment. When you feel curious, it’s hard to feel anything else.
You create that state by first asking yourself the right questions, and then allowing your mind to contemplate the possibilities. Why might their beliefs differ from mine? What possible path led them to this opinion? What would I believe if I had followed his path?
By guiding your mind to search for these answers and formulate possibilities, you develop empathy for the other person’s position.
The Listener
With your curiosity piqued, and in a tone of genuine interest, ask the other person to explain their position. Avoid command-like statements such as, Prove it! The same goes for sarcasm or anything they might construe as insulting.
Seek more details. The more they talk, the more they dissipate some of the negative energy. It also puts you in listening mode. We hate it when others lecture us. But nobody will fault you for listening to them with genuine curiosity, even if they know you disagree.
The Tolerable Concession
If tensions fail to de-escalate, surrender one point, something small, as an act of good faith. Your adversary may reciprocate, allowing the two of you to reach an amicable conclusion.
If your counterpart refuses to take that path, then it becomes your responsibility to end the conflict on neutral terms.
The Failsafe
Despite your efforts, some arguments never end. It’s best to let your counterpart sling their last arrow, and end it with grace.
“I’m not sure I can accept that, but I’ll let you have the last word. And if new information confirms what you say, I will reconsider my position. Is that a fair way to conclude this?”
It hurts when you let the other person sneak in the last word, and for some folks, it’s a matter of pride. But when you take the diplomatic path, you demonstrate your integrity. That makes you the winner.