My life and how i dealt with my demons

Hey Steemians!

So i have been @meno's show with @soundlegion and @krystle a while ago.
We have had a lot of fun and talked about a lot!
Music, Sales and a lot of fun stuff. But it whent a little dark some times aswell. If you've been there you may know it.

Well as you should also know then is that i said i dont post often because i have a pretty heavy live.
I've been through stuff that i hope none of you will ever go through. I've been beaten up, stabbed and had a gun pointed to my head 2 times. And these things arent even the worst that happend to me. I lost people close to me in ways you dont want to see that happen. I have lost my best friend at the age of 16, thats exactly 10 years ago today, by a freak car accident. We where going out and after a few hours we decided to go home. He had been drinking and that night i was gonna try my first drink aswell. Someone came up to me and we started talking. Not noticing my friend was walking towards the road. I was talking and talking till i heard a loud bang and as i watched in the direction of where the noise was coming from i see my friend flying through the air and hit the ground so freaking hard. I pushed everyone nearby away to check on him but somehow i knew this was bad. There was blood coming from his ears and mouth and somehow, i think adrenaline or shock, i didnt feel much emotion. I called 112 (911 in america ofcourse) and told them all i saw and knew. After the person on the phone told me they where coming as fast as they could i just started to talk to my friend, who was obviously in a lot of pain. I grabbed his hand and tried to calm him down telling him it's gonna be okay and that they are coming. I did notice he was slipping away. I didnt dare to to touch him other than hold his hand, because i didnt know what his injuries where. And just 2 minutes before the ambulance arrived he died in front of me. What i know is that they couldnt reanimate him because his ribs where all messed up and one of the ribs had even punctured his lung.
Now if this wouldnt be torture enough, the family blamed me for his death and i wasnt allowed to attend the funeral. I do think this is the worst thing that has happend to me in my life. This guy ment the world to me he was the only true friend i had back then. He will always have a special place in my heart and if i could go back in time to prefent this from happening i would. Even if it would cost me mine!
It sounds like a script from a movie. But i can assure you this happend and it's something that will leave a huge scar forcthe rest of my life. I just have to find a way to live with it. It's still hard especially on days like these.
I will forever miss him and nothing willcever change about that. Moving on is no option but i will habe to live with it and deal with it.

So yeah a lot has happend and i wont be sharing everything because this post would be endless.
I do want to say i know depression and i know how to deal with it.
Recently a few things from my past have been haunting me for which i am in therapy now. I had almost done something very stupid but i am glad my survival instinct is too strong. So i snapped out of it and decided to dessapear for a little while. I whent to my parents cabin and just looked for a way to really empty my head and get back on track a bit. The nature and the peace over there in the cabin really gave me the rest i needed. After i came back i had a good talk with Bonnie since i know she will always hear me and comfort me. This person is just an angel and she has helped me through a lot. The thing i can advise you for depression is actually very simple. It's a single word called TALK.
If you feel like you are dealing with demons from your past or any troubles at all, dont mask it. I dont say throw it out in the open and tell the whole world what you're dealing with. But share your story with someone you trust. Those people will most likely understand you and try to comfort you. If i can tell you one more thing it's DONT look for answers. "Why is that?" i see you think.
Well some things you're dealing with dont have an answer. Some things are just complicated and they make you feel bad but you cant seem to find out where thats coming from. If you try too look for an answer the most of the time you will point a finger back at yourself and blame yourself for your problems. If you do that you can create a fantasy that lives only in your head. Thats how the big black dog enters your life. So my oppinion is always talk. To a family member, a friend or a professional thats all up to you. But share your story and know that you're not alone!

Iam in therapy now and i know i can say anything to Bonnie so i know i will beat my demons. I know i am on my way allready. If music is a form of expression to you then use that aswell. Put your emotion into it and use your pain to write. It can help. Music is an expression aswell and if you sing, write, produce or play an instrument you can channel your emotion through that and use that to express. Same goes for photography and painting btw! Share your emotion that way. People will hear you and you will know you're not alone out there.
Let the art speak for you.

I wil try to be posting more often here and i hope you all have a wonderfull day! Also i want to thank all of you for following me and reading my posts.