Dear Diary: I Needed Everyone's Prayers As Always

It is always unpredictable what would happen to me at dialysis because sometimes I am thinking that it would gonna be my last treatment. I did experienced some of my co-patients dying in or immediately after treatment but I am always keeping my composure not to get affected or else I will just get disturbed by it mentally.

So I am always praying not to die at dialysis and I really do not want to "go" while I am conscious or suffer for that matter with regards to dying. So if I would want to die I want it in my sleep. But I am always awake all the time so I do not think it will have a good possibility to happen.

Seriously going for dialysis means that your other half of the body is in the grave already and it is just God will say to "tip him/her over" if he wants one to graduate from this world well for any person or animal that is.

Being in dialysis is never fun, for me at least because of my current physical and medical condition and the bad thing is that I am dragging my parents with me with this inconvenience and financial prodigality. But we have no choice as I can't just say "I do not want to go for me dialysis anymore" as it will be like short of saying "please wring my neck till I die slowly."

Source

It is what I do not like in dying because of not getting treated with dialysis, you will suffer the most horrible pre-death experience which you do not deserve to get because you yourself is just a victim of a hard case of Kidney condition. That is why my work is to really try to make myself as better as I could because of my fear of suffering.

I had been suffering for most of my lifetime now and there is a possibility that I might not end this lifetime being able to achieve of ending my suffering but that is life and so i just have to accept that fact and just be thankful that at least I had seen this world and the beauty that it had offered me.