I'm rereading: Insecure in Love by A.P. Collins.
I am doing it to examine myself. To see if I can identify myself in what I am reading.
First of all, I found the title really off putting. Just the idea of labeling myself as "insecure" feels somehow disgusting and wrong.
I have always considered myself as both secure and confident.
But, what if that is just a story I tell myself? What if I don't even know what insecure looks like?
What if I am insecure and don't even know it?!
Is it possible? Perhaps.
The first step would be to examine what being insecure might look like. What are some of the indicators? What are some of the signs?
I've decided to journal and share my experience openly. To hold myself accountable.
I asked myself what is the big deal in sharing this? Why do I feel the need to keep it private? Are we not afterall human, is this not just part of the human experience?
Maybe, by sharing my thoughts, other people might be encouraged to do the same. Maybe, it will open some dialogue.
I can't see a reason not to share my experience.
I'm not ashamed to be a flawed human being, like everyone else!
I am going to share some of the things that stuck out for me and go through why. I am going to go in order. This might take a while, so I will break it up for myself into digestible chunks.
It's not a rush. I want what I am doing to have impact, to be effective. The primary purpose here is to help myself.
Many people won't recognize insecurity and will confuse it with other negative feelings such as jealousy, helplessness, and inadequacy are common feelings for insecure people. Because of these feelings they are incapable of attending to common daily tasks, or even form long lasting healthy relationships.
I don't currently recognize myself as being insecure. I do experience jealousy, however. I do frequently feel helpless. There are things I want to change and overcome in my life that I haven't been able to, no matter how hard I have tried, no matter how long I have tried.
That makes me feel very powerless at times. I feel very ashamed by that. I don't understand how I can't find solutions to some of my problems. I feel like it somehow makes me look completely incompetent and incapable.
This really disempowers me. Not having answers, not having a solution is very difficult for me to deal with. I like plans, I like action, I like knowing and focusing on what I can do. I really dislike problems I can't solve. They frustrate me endlessly.
Yeah, you could definitely say that makes me feel inadequate. I often further frustrate myself by asking: "Why is this so easy for everyone else?!". I know that's not healthy, but I can't seem to help throwing it into my own face. It's terrible.
I do struggle doing many things other people do easily, especially in the social realm. I have great difficulty navigating and handling the social realm. I find it very hard to be patient with myself and others as a result.
Often, it is easier to give up and isolate myself than to try and continue.
The whole reason I am reading this book and doing this journal is to conquer and figure out: Why I have such difficulty forming and keeping long term relationships!
People who feel insecure will often lack the ability to fit into society and think their thoughts and actions are constantly being judged by peers. They also believe they aren't worthy of acceptance or success. These beliefs will stop them from trying to achieve more. They will often be stuck in unsatisfying job positions without any motivation to go forward and work on receiving a promotion. They will lack the will to learn, work on themselves, thinking that there is no point as they will never be good enough.
Ding. Ding. Ding! I really have that feeling, that I just don't and can't fit in. I feel like I can't communicate myself, that I am often misunderstood, that people come to the wrong conclusions, that I don't even have a chance. I often feel like a huge, HUGE misfit.
As a result I do shy away from any opportunities that might require me to be in the spotlight, in front of others, relying on other people's judgments of me for my success.
Feeling so disconnected, and like such an outsider really limits the things I even look at doing.
Especially lately, I have had a real struggle with learning new things. I am not purposefully doing that, I just really have difficulty with it.
Learning Spanish is a great example. I want to do it but I swear my brain actively seeks out any and every excuse to NOT learn Spanish even though I do want to learn it. It drives me boinkers.
Never in my life has it been this bad. I have always been an avid learner but lately I can't seem to get out of my own way! Even when I insist I study Spanish, it's like my eyes gloss over and I can read the same page 20 times while absorbing nothing. Nothing.
It must be a will problem, right? I think I have the will, but obviously, I don't. I mean, I have to face reality!
The same can be said for the writing projects I want to be working on. I literally have the thought: "What's the point anyway? It will never be good enough. Who will actually ever want to read this crap?"
Really empowering thoughts, huh. Ugh!
Even their love life suffers, probably the most. An insecure person will constantly crave a partner's validation. When he gets it he will choose to not believe it or believe it is sincere.
I have to think about this one more. Do I seek validation? Do I do that? Do I like validation from a loved one? Yeah, why not. I want my partner to see the good, the best in me.
But the reality is: When I receive a compliment, what do I do? I don't just accept it. Nope. I have to analyze it: But, I could do better. I could do more. It's really not as good as it could be. I could do better.
Or, my fave: "That was a sweet thing to say." Say, not mean. Lip service. Awful. I know. Who admits to such things? I guess I am. Here and now.
I don't think it is humility. I am not sure that kind of humility would ever be healthy for anyone, ever.
The basis for all insecurities is fear. Fear from abandonment, betrayal and fear of not being good enough. Because of this fear, insecure people have trouble showing and sharing their emotions. Negative reactions on a person's emotion will make them distance themselves even more, and they will fall into loneliness and depression.
Oof. This was deep. It really hit me. What am I so afraid of? Is it abandonment? Yes. No one can abandon me if I abandon them first. No one can abandon me if I don't let them get close. I must protect myself from abandonment!
No one can betray me if I don't trust them. No one can betray me I don't give them anything to betray me with. No one can betray me if no one knows anything about me. No one can betray me if I silently slip into isolation, if I hide myself away from the world, if I make myself inaccessible.
Yadda, yadda, bang.
Gosh, how could I ever be good enough?! I can't even function properly!
Me, having trouble showing or sharing my emotions?
Nah. It's perfectly normal to not tell anyone how I feel for weeks while going through a crisis. To button myself up and put on a happy face.
And yes, if someone attacks me, let me correct that, if I feel someone has attacked me, I just want to crawl into a little hole and disappear. I don't want to interact anymore. I just don't want to people anymore.
I have definitely made a conscious effort to keep myself distanced from people.
I've told myself things like: It's easier for everybody. I am saying people the trouble. I am a difficult person. No one wants to deal with me anyway. People have their own problems without having to listen to anything about me and mine.
But I tell myself things like: I am not lonely. I am not depressed. It's OK that I have absolutely no idea how to make it through the day. That, I have absolutely no idea what to do.
These things are not loneliness or depression. It's just me being "lazy".
I've just started the book. And, I have to say two things:
1)It appears that I am insecure.
2)I treat myself horribly.
You don't really realize it until you start writing this stuff down.
I am like, wow.
I think this is a good beginning.
What do you think? Can you identify with any of it? Have you ever felt this way?
-To be continued-
-Akiroq
Image by Peter H from Pixabay