One Year Anniversary

I received a letter in the mail last week from the hospice that was caring for my dad just before he died. It's almost been one year since he passed away and they were enquiring about hosting a memorial service for him. It feels surreal that it has been a year.

This picture is dad and I a few months before he died. It's a nice photo of him, a terrible one of me!

I don't really know how to feel about his death. I feel like I haven't grieved for him yet. There may be a few reasons for this and I want to explore them here. I find writing to be somewhat therapeutic for me.

The first reason I feel like I haven't really grieved is because of the timing of when he passed away. I was almost due to have my first baby when he died, I was due 2 weeks after. My life was about to completely change. I was so excited about having a baby and everything that comes with it that I feel like my time to grieve was limited. I didn't want to be sad when I had a new baby.

When we visited dad in the hospice before his death, he truly did seem okay. A lot of friends and family were there and everyone thought he would be around for another few months. He was up and moving and eating and interacting with us as per normal. To see dad eat was fantastic. He used to be a large man who loved his food. Unfortunately he diminished in size drastically as his cancer meant he couldn't eat solid foods.
We went and saw dad on Saturday which also happened to be his 65th birthday. We spent the day with him and it was lovely.
We then went and saw him the following day, Sunday, which was Fathers Day here.
He passed away the next day. I was shocked that he had gone so soon. I had honestly thought he would have hung on to meet my daughter.

This is Dad's 65th birthday in the hospice. He even managed to eat some cake.

The second reason that I feel I may not have grieved is due to me accepting his death earlier. 11 months before dad died he had been diagnosed with esophageal cancer. The diagnosis was terminal and he had been given 3 months to live.
During this time my sister returned from Scotland for an extended period and I took leave from work. We spent time together, just the three of us, making memories and coming to terms with the fact that dad wasn't going to be with us for long. I am pleased that he lasted almost 4 times longer than he had been given.

This is my sister and Dad at Castle Rock; an item from Dad's bucket list. We all went and he thoroughly enjoyed exploring the area.

Thirdly, I'm also a little bit angry with him too. This will be another post altogether, but I wonder if I might grieve one day in the future when I can forgive and accept him for things that he did before he passed. Maybe writing about it will help me process it. Maybe not.

Sometimes I feel like he hasn't passed, but rather that we're out of touch. The other day we had an earthquake and I thought to myself to check on dad, then remembered that there's no need.

It almost sounds like I haven't accepted his death, especially when I think like he's still here. I know that he's gone. I understand it. I just don't know if I will ever have an overwhelming period of grief. Isn't that what is supposed to happen when you lose a parent? I keep thinking that it will hit me soon. At first I thought that I might get a bout of postnatal depression. That hasn't happened. I thought it might hit a few months after having my baby once life settles back into a routine. Not yet. Now that we're approaching a year, I don't think it will happen.

Don't get me wrong. I am sad that he's gone. This post makes me sound like a cold hearted person. I'm not. I'm one of the most sympathetic and empathetic people around (I get hassled for being so soft as my friends say). I'm also the first person to tear up and cry in family movies, or current affair stories. I did grieve before and during the funeral, but I didn't spend days in tears like I really thought I would.

He's missing some rather large milestones in my life (also the rest of my family's life too). I'm sad he never got to meet my daughter, my first child, his granddaughter. He won't know what kind of mum I am. He's going to miss out on a lot of our lives. It's sad to think about.
But, I'm also not dwelling on it. I don't want to get sad. I don't want to focus on it.

Another Castle Rock photo of Dad

I guess it's shown me what's important in life. To me, the important stuff is spending time with friends and family. Making memories. Seeing my daughter grow and being a big part of her life.

I also want to be as healthy as I can be and I want the same for my family. I want to be a good role model to my daughter. I don't want to be taken away too early from any kind of disease.

Thanks for letting me vent about this. It does feel good to get it out.