Hello again! It's good to hear from you =]

I can't even blame anxiety for my struggles in life. It is me. I am at fault for being an utter failure. It's not to blame on any mental illness, I don't have some tragic past, I am just weak. I could pull myself out of this, but I won't.

(As Alan Watts might say:)

... And that's okay. You don't have to pull yourself out of anything. Only do it if you want to, when you want to. The important thing is you accept yourself in your current state, and realize it is within your doing to move from it.

Being self-critical for your perceived faults is a slippery slope. Next you'll be self-critical about being self-critical, and so on.

It's okay to fail. It's okay to make the same mistakes over and over. You might not be okay with it, but try to be a little more patient with yourself. Remember that messing up is part of learning and growing. Even if you didn't get it this time, the next time is another chance for success.

It's not an outer force hurting me, it's self destruction. I hold myself back and I put myself through hell for not being good enough. I prevent myself from being happy and I keep on choosing that every day.

That may be, but you are not just your mind inside your body. You are also your relationships with the people in your life, the situations given to you, the choices you make, and your environment. From this perspective, you are inseparable from everything else. Figuring out exactly where the blame lies is not important.

You know that you cannot be held responsible for the actions of your family, but you recognize you are responsible for your reaction. And it seems like your reaction was not what you want for your future.

Your willingness to accept responsibility speaks far more about your character than what you think you're at fault for.

I will never change.

If this is an expression of how you feel, I would say, "I've been there."

If this is an expression of what you fear, I would say, "every moment is an opportunity for a moment's worth of change."

If this is an expression of what you believe, I would say, "that's true (for now)."

It's okay not to change. You don't have to. But if you want to, I'd like to give you hope because I love change and I see its potential everywhere I look.

...dwelling in the self loathing. Why? Do I have a good reason to? Of course not. I was just scared of getting in a fucking kayak.

Having read the whole post, I can say I think you had a perfectly justifiable reaction. It wasn't just fear of getting in a kayak, right? I'm guessing it was also being the center of unwanted attention, and/or the fear or expectation of embarrassment.

If you're like me, you probably also just don't like falling into water or tipping over kayaks. Especially if the water is gross.

I ended up rolling out and onto the dock, my mom video taping it and others laughing. I never wanted to get back in.
...
My mom showed her friend the video of me rolling out of the canoe and everyone had a good laugh, meanwhile I was trapped. No help was offered this time.

Of course you have a mental block! You've been humiliated every time you made a mistake in this context, and every time the context resurfaces, you have to relieve the humiliation. You're being trained to see that it's not okay to make mistakes (at least in front of your family, who's supposed to be your support, right?).

Everyone left. I was happy about that though, and just tipped the kayak so I fell into the, quite nasty, water.

Another drop of negative experience in the "kayaking/canoeing" bucket, unnoticed by your tormentors.

...I almost got in. And then I thought about the last time and how hard it was. I tried playing around with it trying to figure out a different method but there seemed no full proof way. I thought about how even if I managed to pull this stunt off, I would not be able to get back out.

The Big Lie is that future results can be predicted from past results. It is not unwise to reflect on your past mistakes, but believing that you'll get the same results you got before is the mental block. Use the memories of failure to guide you in what not to do, and try something different.

In matters of physical agility and balance, I find it's best to let your body handle it. Your body instinctively knows how to keep its balance and save you from falling, but if you're giving it orders, it will do what you tell it, and your conscious mind might not be able to give the best instructions. When I'm trying to help people with balance on the slack line, I tell them to let their bodies teach them instead of trying to teach their bodies.

But how does one do this? By letting go of control, letting go of thinking, and instead focusing on the highest level of one's intent, and trusting the body to do the rest. This is what people mean when they say "stop overthinking it." Yeah, it's easier said than done, until you've practiced it and let your body prove to you that it knows what it's doing. Even if you think you're uncoordinated, I'd challenge you to let your body prove you wrong. (Have you heard of Strala Yoga?)

I think people who claim to be uncoordinated are simply struggling with their bodies instead of working with them. The conscious mind has a part to play (expressing intent), and the body has a part to play (physical action). When we try to micromanage our physical action, it's easy to make our bodies perform...sub-optimally.

When my mom got back, her and my dad both held a side and told me there was no way I could tip now, and I just closed my [eyes and] wished I wasn't in this situation. I shouldn't need all this help and even if they're offering, they know that. My mom told me how I need to stop thinking about it and just do, she said that it's not as hard as I make it out to be.

The love of your parents for you seems apparent here. They're just expressing it in a way that pokes that bruise of embarrassment and humiliation, whether or not they know it. And of course you don't want special treatment, or to need to rely on others' help for something that's supposed to be so simple and easy.

You know your mom is right about overthinking it, but her telling you that isn't helpful, is it? It's probably about as helpful as someone telling you "don't be anxious" in the middle of an anxiety attack.

I told her never mind, I'll just go read instead, and my family got mad. Or disappointed. I really can't tell but it was definitely nothing good.

Maybe they really wanted to see you overcome the mental block and succeed? That kind of disappointment can easily manifest as anger at what is perceived as "giving up."

But I would say you don't deserve any guilt or criticism for walking away. I'd applaud you for continuing to be honest with yourself and your emotions. For being your honest self. There is nothing wrong with that.

People may find kayaks hard or easy but either way they manage to use them. I have a mental block making it not only difficult and scary, but downright confusing. I sabotage myself and I miss out because of it.

People also have mental blocks with kayaks. People also have irrational fears of water, or boats, or dirty water. People are pretty diverse and have all kinds of problems, and they overcome them in all kinds of ways, to varying degrees of success over varying periods of time. People sabotage themselves and miss out on things over and over, until they don't anymore.

Please forgive yourself for letting you down and messing up.

This is the exact same thing I always do, except usually it falls under the description of anxiety. I overthink and I ruin. I'm not sure when these simple tasks became unfathomable to me. I wish they hadn't.

On one hand, I want to say I admire your introspection and congratulate you for looking for the big picture and finding useful concepts for understanding your challenges.

On the other hand, I want to say perhaps this observation of your tendencies is itself serving as a mental block, because you believe it's part of your nature and something that will never change. If that's the case, I would say just forget about the whole thing. Don't overthink your overthinking. =D

I have tipped and fallen into the water in every aspect of my life. Drowning, and too weak to swim.

It's okay to float there for a while.

Regarding anxiety, especially if you're sensitive to its onset, you might find this simple exercise surprisingly effective. (And maybe this too.)

Wow, this is really long. Sorry about that. I hope my comments have not been presumptuous or off-putting, and that they were encouraging and not discouraging.