I.IV There is more life than suicide

To end this part of my return from the community service, I want to write one of the most profound realization I learned during the event. Sure, I complained about one or two things during the service but there is one thing I learned during that service which made me reflect on my life for the past 3 years.

From the past 3 years, I have been nothing but depressed and suicidal. After my first major accident, life changed drastically and I felt I wasn't myself. Things around me changed, people changed, my personality, and ability, changed.In short, I woke up as a new person with hidden disabilities. Then, this didn't stop me being mischievous since I was only reaching my early 20. I thought I should try everything because they said "you only live once." So I went crazy on trying any experiences that I think adventurous and outside of my comfort zone. Although I went on being hedonistic for a little while, that didn't solve my profound unhappiness. I got more dissatisfied with life when the parties were over. I had to battle the loneliness and knowing that those who I think were friends and cared for me, actually didn't. It only escalated my wish to die. However, upon trying, I was always still alive.

This year was an eye-opening accident. Technically, I could die any moment that time. If there were trucks passing right in front of me, I could die because my head hit the asphalt and bled. Another possible clause is that I could die because organ failure. But I managed to stay alive. As of today, I can still remember vividly how the accident happened. It was a brief moment where I was begging for life. Ironic right? it's coming from someone who wished of dying. But I managed to get back up, all in pieces intact and alive. At first, I couldn't process how lucky I was until I realized, I just survived an accident, once more.

That moment, I didn't call any of my parents right away. I called them after I got out from the clinic and by then, I realized there's still someone who would be grieving for years, if I am gone. Then, I reflect back to all of my problems. All of them were actually solvable if I try my best to fix it. If it doesn't get any better, then I should leave it be since that's outside my control. I also realized that there would be friendship, experiences, and relationships I missed just because I died early. I haven't explored all the continents, I haven't even made my billions, I haven't even done my best at school, I haven't even contributed anything to the society, I haven't even made people I care about happy, I haven't even... There are so many things I haven't even done. The biggest thing I realized is, suicide isn't the answer to problems.

No matter how difficult and challenging life is, we have to do our best. Always wish for a long healthy life because it's true, health is wealth.

-mac