"A thousand times we die in one life. A crumble, break and tear apart, until the layers of illusion are burned away and all that is left, is the truth of who and what we really are..."
Today was an unusual day, today I felt I died from inside out. Usually I am a fearless person, normal I could say, nothing unordinary about me. I always thought that I would be capable, in case of anything happens, to end my life in order not to suffer or make my dears ones suffer around me, for example if something like cancer would happen to me too. Well, I was so so wrong about it. I felt a peculiar and yet powerful belly pain, actually it woke me up. Feelings like: scare, submission and gratefulness field my body and my heart. I was scared of the pain that I was feeling and the pain that I might be to my dear ones, I was scared that if this wasn't a dream, nor the brute reality I am caught up in what people call hell and I might be there for the rest of eternity, feeling this. I submitted to the pain, I was its slave and it had the power to control me. Most important I felt grateful for the life I had and for the people I met; it was the only good thing from this chaos of emotions and uncontrollable spasms of my body.
I wasn't pleased at all...Why? Just told you that I thought of me to be courageous enough to end it myself if something like this would have happened and I realised I wasn't brave enough. AND THAN IT WAS ALL BLACK.
I heard mumbles hitting the floor and a familiar voice whispering to my ear: "Dear, Oh my dearest dear! You'll be fine! I'll take care of you!" Couldn't open my eyes, couldn't move and couldn't recognize the voice, but deep down I knew it was a familiar one. PEACE. I felt Peace. My body was moved , I could tell it! It was moved around because I saw tempered lights and shadows. I wasn't scared anymore. I heard the ambulance rushing with me in it, voices and again silence. It wasn't that type of silence where you don't hear any sounds, it was that type of silence that you hear when you actually are not in this world anymore.
The blackness and emptiness was peaceful around me. I felt a powerful current dragging me out of my body. I felt relieved and light as a feather. I saw my body from above in an operation room, doctors yelling, nurses pumping air with a gasmask on my face, it wasn't a pleasant scene but it didn't move me. I existed the operation room and saw my mother and my father nervous outside. I've tried to speak to them but no words came out my mouth. I tried to touch my mother's hand and when I did she startled as if something invisible burned her. I could feel what she felt: powerless, emptiness and the greatest sadness I could ever have felt. I passed through a window outside the hospital and in the front of it on a bench I saw my fiance. It was the first time I saw him just stand there and crying. This picture of them was very distressing.
And there there was nothing, just black again. I started climbing from a whole trying to reach a light. It was as if I were in a whole I the ground, I even felt the soil under my nails as I was trying to reach out the light at the and of that whole, but the soil kept collapsing under my hands and feet. Some shadows in the light of this dump hole started to appear.... Telepathically I was yelling at them to help me. They wouldn't , they we're shocked.
The peacefulness i started feeling came from that light I was seeing. I knew deep down in my heart that I would reach that light I will never come back.
The shadows from the light we're very familiar: one of them was my grandpapa. He was yelling at me : " You don't belong here! Go back! It's not your time yet!" I suddenly fell. I could feel the weight of my body and I could open my eyes to see that I am still in the operation room. I had appendicitis. Just after that I fell asleep and woke up after two days.
All my family was gathered around my hospital bed, speechless but relieved and thankful. I asked my moma:" Where is grandpapa?!". she whispered withe a trembling voice: " Oh dear one, he passed aways last night!"
