When I first got diagnosed, I sunk into a very deep depression. Even with my normal Bipolar medication, I was very low. After a couple of days I made a deal with myself - I would be allowed to feel sorry for myself for fifteen minutes per day. After that, I would have to force myself out of the trench, and just get on living life as it was now set before me. I don't know if I would recommend this system to others, but it has worked reasonably well for me since I instituted it a few months ago.
This entry is being written during today's fifteen minutes. I admit that I am feeling sorry for myself at this particular moment, and I am just going to share my thoughts during it. Whether I feel that it is "good enough" to publish is something I will think about later in the day (given the other dribble that has poured out onto my keyboard, I can't imagine that this is going to be much worse).
So today I am feeling particularly poorly because I have a toothache on top of the "regular" pain I have during my days currently. The topical medication is helping, and I do have a dentist appointment tomorrow, but feeling like this makes me ask The Very Big Question that haunts me from time-to-time:
Why Am I Fighting So Hard To Live Like This?
Is it the indomitable "human spirit" that we all have??? Is it just me being my normal stubborn self??? Am I just waiting for some kind of "miracle" to make this all go away??? I don't know...during my more lucid moments, I think that it is a combination of all three of these things.
I also feel, when I allow myself to get low like this, that what I am going through now is just karma catching up with me. Although I have tried to do a lot of "good things" during this lifetime (and even succeeding on occasion), I have to admit that I have caused a lot of pain for others as well. Since I have always been the one living my life, I am in no position to be the "scorekeeper" with regard to this.
My good friend Susan told me that it was just The Great Dungeon Master In The Sky rolling a really low number for my "saving throw". This thought actually made me smile...
Alright...that is the end of my fifteen minutes for today...My Uber will be arriving soon to take me to another session in The Chair...
[note from later in the day - since there isn't really anything to "lose" at this point, I am going to publish this entry...]