Hi Mom,
I know it is too late for this, I know you have gone. I know that death took you almost ten years ago, though it feels like yesterday sometimes. I feel a sense of deep regret on our last conversation, my final words not being kind. That is what teens do I am told, rebel against authority but I know it is more. I hate that you have missed all that has happened with me, Mike and of course the girls. I can not say much there other than Mike is on a good path and he is doing well. The girls are amazing, I can not express the pride I feel for them. I know I am failing as an older brother in keeping up with communication, but I do try when my phone gets the numbers right. I know, I should upgrade but I am not the best at saving the money for things these days.
This though is my letter to you about what is going on in my life, my therapist thinks it will help but I just do not know what to say. I am so mad at myself for what I said before you passed, I am depressed that out of everyone I have the least memories of you except from maybe Sarah who was a baby at the time. I know how she feels, the first years of my life which you told me were happy do not exist in my mind. The second time I lived with you the trauma I experienced beforehand fractured my memory, making it difficult to even remember the times we shared. I am glad that most of my memories of you are happy though, so I treasure them.
I got your letters took them twenty years, the ones you kept and the letters you sent Dad for me. I felt the love you expressed in them, though it hurts that even now I have had no chance to grieve. It sucks, I could not save for me and Mike the things you kept for us but I did salvage your bibles before the vultures swarmed. I am furious that people took the silver dollars you gave us, and your older jewelry that you told me you inherited. I wanted something that meant alot to you to give to the girls. I am selfish but I wanted them to have treasures that meant so much to you. Though they lost you, they can always have heirlooms that meant so much to you.
I wanted to tell you, I am getting married to the woman of my dreams. We argue but it is never over anything that matters, and I feel that helps us show we care. I might be wrong, and I wish I could talk to you and have your opinion. You were a great source of advice, and never needed mine. I feel like that is what I miss most, you never treated me like I knew everything. I got used to that and it always annoys me that people treat me like I have all the answers. I have never even been given time to even cry after almost ten years now, after you passed things never slowed down. People want me to help them with this, or do that. It never really ends, but I guess it helps me too.
I wish you did not die, I know I did not go down the path you wanted. I do not believe in the christian god, but I feel you honestly might not care about it too much. I play videogames and read still, but I am doing something I love too. I write now, for a job that I am passionate about. It is not making me rich but it is keeping me afloat in the city. I moved away from Arizona, I can never go back to Parker, it hurts too much. I took care of some unfinished work there when I visited. The miasma left by your passing is strong, it fills me with a deep sense of emptiness. I can’t go back to that place, plus no one honestly seemed to care that you passed. I think that made me cynical even now, the idea people who claim to be your friends not caring that you died. It filled me with a lot of hate, my anger nearly got to me. I had to smoke pot to get my head together. I hope you don’t mind, I do not smoke now just then to help me cope I think.
I hate that you passed mom, I really do and it left me with deep wounds in my heart. Each day got easier, but the pain never left because I never got to release it. Sometimes I think I hold it in just to keep you alive inside. After he killed you, it is what I believe in my heart, things never were the same. He did what he did and broke your heart and it was depression that did the rest. I wish I could have done more, but after it was all done I… I honestly blame myself now. I could have made it easier, I could have watched the girls better or been less of a pain in the ass… something.
I know that you do not want to be remembered like this, for being a source of guilt or pain. You were a happy person, filled with love. I know it is true because, that is all I can remember outside of my regrets. You always smiling even with you looked like you might cry. You doing all you can to help us get by, yet doing nothing for yourself and I wish you and dad did not split sometimes, I imagine a happier life I know is not meant to be. I know I am being unrealistic, because I honestly did not know you really.
I entered your life at the beginning of mine before we parted and we connected again at the end of yours. Poetic, if not for the fact it was too soon, you should have been allowed to grow old and see us all become better. Mike owning his own landscaping business, Emily doing whatever she wanted just like Sarah. Me just having a life worth living, with someone I love and doing something I like. I know, my life’s goals make me sound like an old man, just like you told me as a kid. I just want you to be happy, or at least proud of me. I, want my mother back just to atleast say goodbye. To tell you I love you as my last words, not ones of hate. To be the son you deserved not the one so broken by the beatings and fear of his childhood he could not connect with his own mother.
I love you mom, I know you will never read this but I want you to know. It will be out there, in the world and maybe it will help a mother who lost her son. Maybe it will help a son who lost a mother know someone feels the same. With so many people I know others went through similar stuff and maybe this could help. I hope one day though, I can mourn you properly. Have the time to allow myself to cry, and feel the pain that I buried.
With love,
Your son.