First and foremost, I am not much of a writer. Thank you for allowing me a platform to post my ramblings to try and make some sense of my life.
I have always have a soft spot for animals. When I was a child, I had a dog and a cat like many children did. My dog was a small little pup who I would walk daily for blocks around our home. My cat would walk daily too, behind us and making sure we were safe. When they passed, I was convinced the world was ending. My dog passed when I was in college, and my cat soon after. I was not there for either passing and I believe this contributed to my eventual meltdown years later.
Just after finishing college, I would move out with my future wife and we adopted two cats, Gilbert and Liam (we didn't name them). They were our babies of course, getting constant attention and us laughing at the daily theatrics and enjoying our time. I had pushed the memories of my dog and cat away, not allowing myself to feel the pain of loss.
In our view, our cats were our first children. We had to clean up after them, argue with them knowing they don't listen and curl up with them when we needed them, and when they needed us. They were family.
When Liam was 10 years old, we noticed his weight dropping. The signs were there, he was peeing in corners and hiding himself. He was sick, and I refused to acknowledge it. Finally, they were both taken to the vet and I received the terrible news, my boy had kidney failure.
His failure was so high that surgery would not have saved him. I had to take him to the vet that day, say goodbye and try and go on with my life. It was two days before my birthday and I can't recall a single moment for the next few days.
We received a second set of news, Gilbert had diabetes. You might laugh right about now, a cat with diabetes?? We learned quickly of his symptoms and set to help him as much as possible. He would receive doses twice a day, to ensure his survival for the years to come.
And so he did, Gilbert survived for 3 years with his condition. In 2018, we planned for a wonderful family vacation, beaches, resorts, we were going to have a great time! During this time, we noticed Gilbert doing having a few quirks, he would hide in the corners as if looking for food and constantly harass us for more. We couldn't figure out his issue and planned to take him to the vet after we returned.
Two days before we left, my son come into our room:
"Dad, Gilbert's dead"
Barely able to lift my head, I look at my stupid with a curious look. "He's fine" I told him, likely just sleeping (he had been there a few narrow coma episodes common with his condition). When I went downstairs, I found him on the carpet, warm but unable to move.
He had slipped into a diabetic coma, possibly for hours. I found him and immediately rushed for my wife to call for a vet to save our boy. I wrapped him in a towel and after a few very heartfelt goodbyes, I took him for what would be our final trip together.
Gilbert fought the good fight. He got out of the coma, but suffered brain damage as a result of the long term issues he was losing against. I tried my best to keep him out of my mind, but eight hours later, I drove down to the doctor, held him in my arms and said goodbye. The only comments I got was "try and enjoy your vacation".
I drove home very slowly that night. I eventually went to bed and looked for Gilbert, the loss not yet setting in. Two days later, we were in the car preparing for our vacation. I'd like to tell you that it was a great time, but it was insufferable.
I lost my cat, my best friend and a family member. I burst into tears the second night, unable to piece together what happened. I still think about my boys, wishing I could see them again but knowing they are no longer suffering puts me at ease.
Pet loss is unbearable at times. They see us through the worst of times, the best of times, and the times we don't even remember. While I fight back tears at the memory, I am comforted by the time we had together, the memories we built and the life we created together.
We've since adopted two more, both boys of course. I look at them knowing someday, we'll need to cross the bridge together but I'll be there when it happens.
We can get through this, our love and devotion for our pets will outpace any negative memories. I will not focus on their passing, but instead the happiness they brought me. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.!
-JC