I am writing to share my experience of what it was like to go through a break down of marriage. All the signs were there… but I didn’t notice until everything came to a head.
I met my ex husband in a chat room many moons ago when I was at college. We were together for 9 years in total, but I didn’t get to see my 3rd year wedding anniversary.
It all started when I got made redundant and I found myself a new job on the same day. I got to meet new people and to enjoy life rather than worrying what I was going to do if I couldn’t find a job. I got on well with my new colleagues and we would go out socialising. My husband at the time (I will name him Chris) came along too and got on so well with a particular lad. They would go out to the pub or go out clubbing way into the early hours of the morning. I was glad he was having a good time.
One day he went out with the same lad and a few others, mostly men and one female. He told me about this woman (I will name her Liz). He told me how friendly she was and how much I would like her. I said she sounds nice and it would be nice to meet her one day. The next few days and weeks passed and we were going about our day to day business as normal. Then one day we were sat watching the TV after work and he said someone had been sharing rumours about him and Liz. I said I hope he put them in their place as they know we are married. He said Liz had a boyfriend and it was the boyfriend who said something was going on with Chris and Liz. The boyfriend also pointed out that Liz had a reputation for hitting on other men. I didn’t think anything of it. Everybody and anybody who knew Chris thought the sun shone out of his backside and he would be the last person to cheat on me. I said to Chris ‘why can’t people understand that you can have a platonic relationship with the opposite sex and Liz’s boyfriend was just being a shit stirrer.' Again, I went about my usual routine, work and home life.
We had been away on holiday to his mums villa in Spain and had a fun time, we had been to a festival and concerts with mutual friends. Everything was great and I had it all. A loving husband, our own business and I had managed to find a job and be successful. My mum and dad were very proud of us. I was looking forward to Christmas and sharing the spirit of goodwill with my friends and family.
So as I said before Chris was going out with my work colleague. Quite regularly now and staying out very late with no contact and that was unusual for him. I somehow started to have anxious feelings. I have mentioned in a previous post about how I suffer with anxiety. Anyway, I started to have visions in my head. What if he’s in trouble, what if he’s been stabbed. How could I live without him. What would I do? Where would I go? I tried to call him but it would only go to voicemail. I then kept telling myself. ‘There is no need to worry, he loves me, he is a sensible person, he is with friends, I’m just being silly’.
My anxious feelings started to be a regular occurrence every time he went out. I kept myself occupied to get rid of these thoughts.
One Saturday night I had had enough of feeling so sick and worried. I decided to call him. No luck. I called my colleague friend. No luck. I sent them both text messages. No one got back to me. I was worried sick. Eventually he called me at some un Godly hour of the morning and told me he was at the station. I told him to wait there and I would come and get him. Chris had a tendency to drink heavily and participate in class A’s. I hated this. He knew how much I hated him taking drugs, even more so than his drinking. I got to the station and he wasn’t there. I called him again. Turns out he was at a station miles away and he didn’t think to tell me it wasn’t our local one. I couldn’t drive all that way being a lone female. So I asked him to come home as soon as he could. He did but he was in such a state, I didn’t want him with me that evening.
The next day he had got over his hangover and apologised for his actions. Essentially we had a few words and kissed and made up… until the evening. I was on social media browsing as you do and I saw a picture come up of some people in a club. I thought this looks familiar… then I saw it. He had been partying with Liz! I mentioned “You didn’t say you met up with Liz”. Chris replied “Well we were out and they were about and said we could join their party”. I thought it was strange as to why he didn’t say he met up with them because he had already told me what a lovely person she was.
Another time he did tell me he bumped into Liz and they shared a coffee. I went into work telling my manager jokingly “I think Chris is cheating on me, he told me he had gone for coffee with her”. We all know what ‘coffee’ means right? I knew nothing was going on but I kinda wanted my manager to feel sorry for me as if something was going on. But we both knew in our heart of hearts Chris wasn’t the sort of guy to do the dirty on me.
Then Chris had told me about the time he had to go to Liz’s house. Her sons hamster had died and she didn’t know what to do so she had asked Chris to get the hamster and dispose of it. Of course I told my manager about it for a mans perspective (plus we were good friends) jokingly saying Chris is playing away and we laughed about it. I had told Chris he had been a good friend to her to help her in such a way.
I did eventually get to meet Liz. We had a house party. I had invited loads of my friends and him, his. He told me Liz and her best friend were coming as they were heading into town and they were stopping through. Liz came in and saw one of my girlfriends thinking it was me. My friend pointed towards me. I said my hello’s and that was the last I saw her. All evening Liz and Chris were in my kitchen. Then I heard her moan that we didn’t have any drink she liked so she had to make do with my spirits. I thought ‘cheeky bitch’.
Christmas was just around the corner. I was decorating the house, planning dinner for family to come and join us and wrapping presents. I was getting right into the Christmas spirit. Christmas Day came and we were up early. He decided to get up early and make a start on dinner. I was still in bed and his phone beeped. I thought ‘ah, it’s his sister wishing us Merry Christmas' as she did every year. I saw the preview of the text. It was from Liz. It had read ‘I wish I was unwrapping you right now’. I got up straight away and asked him ‘what the hell is this?’. Chris told me he would have words with her as they were only ‘friends’. I felt sick, maybe all that time I had these worrying thoughts, they were really true.
My family and his family came round for dinner, all was fine. We were exchanging gifts and laughter. His family had left for the evening. Mine stayed over night. We were watching TV and Chris said something to me. I can’t remember what it was now but I remember saying ‘Don’t you speak to me like that in front of my parents’. Chris had had a lot to drink. He polished off my brand new bottle of spirit as well as a good couple of bottles of wine. He started to cry. I thought I’d leave him to it as maybe he was upset that he missed his father who passed away the previous year. He was with my dad and they were talking. I decided to ask my mum to come into the spare room. We sat down and I told her about Liz. I had told her all the times he had been with her supposedly helping out. I told my mum I couldn’t help but wonder if something was going on or were they friends. Then my dad walked in…. he said he didn’t know how to tell me this, but Chris loves somebody else. I knew it… I knew it was Liz!!! My face dropped. My mum had said I looked like I had seen a ghost. I ran into the living room. I was on my hands and knees and telling him how much I love him and we can work it out. He shook his head. I left with my parents and threw my rings at him. I stayed somewhere else overnight. I thought he didn’t know what he was saying as he had drank so much and I would wait for him to calm down the next day.
That day came. To cut a long story short, he had made his decision. He said to me he wanted to wait for Christmas to have been and gone before telling me in the New Year he was leaving me. Wow, what a gentleman!!! I did everything I could to save our marriage but he wasn’t having any of it.
As time passed and my divorce came through, I saw all the signs. They were right in front of my face but I took everything on a positive note. I was telling myself it’s me and my anxiety! How wrong was I!
Now it makes sense. Him spending so much time with her and making me believe they were ‘just good friends’. Sitting on the opposite ends of the couch with him hiding his laptop screen from me, the mobile phone down the side of his leg, him leaving the room to answer his phone, going outside for more frequent cigarettes. One time I went outside to talk to him, to tell him how much I love him. All his replies were ‘I know you do’. He didn’t reply he loves me too. Makes sense now about when we were on holiday at his mums villa. Him being constantly away from me on the phone telling me ‘It’s business’. He had been seeing her before we had gone away.
So there we have it. Trust your gut. I hope my post helps anyone in the same situation, even if it is one person. I am happy to say time is a great healer. I know it’s an old cliche but it is so true. I thought I would never be able to move on. I stayed at home constantly. I would cry myself to sleep. My weight dropped so much people thought I was anorexic. My friends and family helped me through a lot. I put them through a lot. I am glad to say I managed to move on and enjoy the single life. A few years later I met a wonderful man. I am now married to him and we celebrated our anniversary this month. He is kind, generous and loving. He always puts me first for anything he does. This is what love is supposed to feel like. My relationship feels completely different to my previous marriage, even when I was in love with Chris at the time. I always say my first marriage was a trial run. This time I know it’s for real.