In this article you will learn:
Causes of poor child behavior;
Where are the boundaries of permissibility and inadmissibility;
Ways to achieve the desired world.
Causes of Child Behavior
How often parents are ready to blame their son or daughter for being awful, out of spite! What is behind such uncontrollable behavior, can a child really be an enemy, is it right to try to become a friend for your child, and what can come of all this?
Over the years of my teaching and coaching, I have probably spoken to hundreds of children of different ages. These were both girls with a syndrome of excellent pupils, and boys "tear off and drop it." Very often, parents complained that their children were uncontrollable. But, looking at these restless kids, I never noticed that they specially did something in spite, badly, and never said that they wanted to offend their parents or me - their educator and mentor. I can absolutely honestly say: everything that came from these uncontrollable children was explained by the age-related features of their psyche and the lack of understanding of adults what to do about it: to punish or not, to call for discipline or not, to fight or encourage, etc.
Only once did I refuse to work with a child when I saw what the boy was doing in spite. She refused, because the tasks of learning set for me and him were impossible in such a situation, and the specialist had to provide psychological help to the child, and not only the boy needed help, but also his “family” - the grandmother with whom he lived. I’m sure that everything that’s happening had good reasons: parents abandoned their son when he was very young, father and mother had their own separate families, and my grandmother did not tire of stressing how poor and deprived he was. I will not forget that case - this was the first and last time that a child truly feuded, behaved defiantly, and contradicted on purpose.
Along with an adult?
So, who, in your opinion, is a friend or foe for you? How often does he become a friend, when does he act like an enemy? And what is friendship between a parent and a child, is it possible in principle? After all, if you look at the age-old issue of friendship and hostility, you can see that these are two sides of the same coin, very close concepts. Indeed, where there is friendship, hostility can suddenly raise its head, and inveterate enemies may one day become friends ...
Enemies or friends are, first of all, equal weight categories for people involved in such relationships. If you take friendship, this is primarily equal rights, because real friends are partners. Can a child be an equal partner for an adult, in which cases is such equality equal and in which not?
First you need to remember that at every age, children and adolescents go through certain stages of their development. Obviously, the child is not the same as the adult. Can he be an equal partner of an adult? Yes, but only in two cases: in a game or when he himself becomes an adult. Until this time - no, this is due to age-related characteristics of mental development.
Note that the phrases "mental development" and "physiological development" to indicate age-related changes are applicable only until the onset of "adulthood", that is, to children and adolescents. They no longer belong to mature people, this is understandable - development is over, people have grown. John Gray
So, in a certain sense, children and parents, as well as a child and grandparents cannot be equal friends in a family. That is why those who seriously think that they can be friends with a child as adults, or that they can treat children like teachers and extol them as more developed beings, risk making serious mistakes. After all, a child cannot stand such a responsibility - to be a teacher, adviser, support for an adult, from whom he must learn. In recent years, due to such misconceptions, two extremes have flourished with lush color: permissiveness or severely restricting children's behavior, they say, “little else”. And the children protest against this with their uncontrolled behavior.
Maria Montessori also wrote about such manifestations of negative behavior as the protest of children against something that, at first glance, is normal for an adult. In her observations of two to three-year-old babies, Montessori noticed that children seek discipline and rebel if it is absent. A child can be alarmed, upset even for such a trifling reason for an adult, as the lack of a permanent place for soap in the bathroom. If the soap is lying on the right on the sink, then on the left, for an adult it can be indifferent, it is easy to navigate, but for a baby it is difficult, and it can begin to be capricious and show discontent. A child, so that he can easily develop and grow, needs an established order of things and a small, limited choice.
Pay attention at what early age it is shown. And it seems that the chaos observed in things and toys even by the age of five or six is an omission of adults who, without noticing it, showed their son or daughter a negative example of disorder and even ... accustomed the child to it!
One more example. It often happens that one of the adults invites the child, as a partner, to choose what to wear in the kindergarten, and opens a closet with clothes in front of him. And here there are problems - the child is lost, hesitating, and then refuses everything and begins to act up. A familiar situation, isn't it? It turns out that due to the physiological characteristics of the development of the nervous system, babies are not able to make a choice from a large number of things and bear responsibility for it. And if you offer, for example, two sets of clothes, then the choice will remain, and it will be easier to make it. So, the baby cannot advise, help, support and choose from many things.
Therefore, it is dangerous to make a child a completely equal partner partner, it is not only fraught with mutual misunderstanding, quarrels and whims, but it is also an overwhelming burden for the baby, which means it is not useful for him or for parents.
How then to regard friendship in which the parent should take the place of the main? In what cases should a child be kept “within", and in which not?
Allowed and Unlawful
One of the main reasons for children's “bad behavior” is to gain experience. The child behaves negatively, not only because he still does not know what is “bad”, but also because he constantly strives to make sure whether the rule is the rule or if it is possible to get what he wants.
Once I met an example in literature - a letter from the mother of one baby. A three-year-old boy went to the coffee table and began to take his mother's things. Since this was not allowed before, the child carefully looked into his mother’s eyes, as if asking: “Can I? You can’t? Or maybe you can still? No?". Mom did not allow, removing the child’s hand. This was repeated several times: the boy continued to reach for things, his mother did not allow. Tears stood in his eyes, hers too, but his mother insisted on her own. The child accepted this rule and never took her things from the table again.
True, a familiar situation? It is possible to consider and comment on this example in different ways, but one thing is clear: someone had to give up. And the mother had the strength, she approved the previously set rule, setting the moment of discipline. There were no more problems. There is one important thing here: if you have set boundaries, and the child insists, and if there is no good reason to change your decision, except for pity and guilt, then you need to adhere to the rules and go to the end. This behavior is respected and taken seriously.
So, the child must study the boundaries of the permitted and the unlawful in behavior, in relationships, in communication, to find out how far one can go in one’s requirements.
Let's compare the restrictions and see in which cases they are justified and in which not. If the baby fled and fell - do not look for the guilty, because he has the right to this experience, he was hurt, and he will draw conclusions. If you touched the burning flame of a candle and burned it, it’s not scary, the wound will heal, and you will be reluctant to play with fire. Therefore, in situations where there is no threat to the life and health of the baby, but there is his desire to know and cognize, it is worth letting him do this and get his own experience, and not listen to the edifications or pulling of an adult.
However, there are serious things, such as a ban on picking various objects in a power outlet, playing in a washing machine, etc. Such rules must be convincing and stringent.
There is also discipline. The established rule to go to bed no later than a certain time must be adhered to, and not go on about persuasion, whining, whims or tantrums. But this is only at first glance a war. Actually, it’s easier to act if you do not perceive the child as a warring camp, which must be “taken by force”, and understand that all these are educational moments. Here you can use a warning in advance: you need to finish the game, so much time is left before sleep, etc.
When there is an understanding of what is happening, then there is no need for accusations, no reproaches, no condemnation, no remorse ... Then the parent understands that whims are just a way to put pressure on him, and the more often the son or daughter get what they want, the more difficult it is to maintain discipline later. And if this is constantly practiced in the family, then whims and nagging become just a style of communication. Too frequent concessions literally grow tyrants for parents and other people.
Therefore, for upbringing to succeed, a parent must play the role of an older, main, authoritative person. In this case, family relationships at all stages of growing up and developing children will be based on respect for the interests of all parties, and parents will be able to find time for themselves and their activities.
Grandmother is a friend of man ...
The second reason for the negative behavior of the child follows from the first and is also very important, so we will dwell on it especially.
It often happens that both discipline is established and rules, but for some reason, adults behave inconsistently, making different demands on children. In such a situation, the child stops orienting, does not know how to behave, how to act, whom to listen to. And this is literally the scourge of our time. This does not happen in more “rigid”, “patriarchal” cultures, where there are frameworks and traditions that dictate how it should be. Everyone obeys the rules there, adults are respected and revered until they are old, and no one doubted what should be like mother or father said, and mother and father usually say the same thing.
What is the way out for a modern family? Stop "appeasing" children, trying to look better in the eyes of the child than another adult member of the family. Frankly, it’s not for the kid you made a concession and not out of love for him, but for yourself, for your egoism, in an attempt to look better. Let dear grandmothers not be offended, but it happens with grandmothers so often: she is so good, she allows you to eat sweets, play games until late at night, and eat in bed, and mom is not like that - mom is bad ...
What is the price of “bad” mom, and someone else “good”, dear? If you only knew ... After all, when there are no clear rules in the family and there is such behavior, sooner or later, mother, father, grandmother and grandfather risk losing their authority. Authority in the family simply will not, because once the rules are different, it means they are not there, and since they are not there, then why and who should be obeyed? The consequences are known to all.
I am who I am
Everyone is familiar with the next reason for the protests. More than one generation has grown up on this, and, unfortunately, each of us has our own experience of such a “struggle” with parents and as a result with ourselves - this is a rebellion against insults and against the formation of an inferiority complex.
Typical case: the student did not do homework. Mom came home from work and demands to do what is needed. If you tell the child that he is so-and-so (undisciplined, stupid, lazy, etc. - insert your favorite word), then the child will perceive his "I", his feelings and his behavior, as one whole. And of course, he will begin to fight against such insults, proving that he is not like that. But to prove this is practically unrealistic, impossible, and as a result a complex is formed “I'm not like that, something is wrong with me”, a feeling of dislike is created. And then all the words of the parents that they love the child will be passed by their ears.
Most of us grew up and raised on this pedagogical mistake. We still associate ourselves with our behavior, our feelings, we do not give ourselves the right to make mistakes, we judge ourselves hard and pinch our negative emotions in the body, not recognizing and not allowing ourselves to express them, since we were convicted of this many times in childhood and believed in the correctness of this. But man is not his behavior, not his feelings, and not even his thoughts. All this during life changes so many times!
What is the way out? Recognize it. And if you need to blame the child for his behavior, then talk only about this and about this, for example, in such a way: “I didn’t like your act,” or “behaving in an unacceptable (unacceptable) way”, or “your behavior really upset me ". Feel the difference? Not "you upset me," but "your behavior upset me." And then there is no conclusion "I always upset everyone, I'm bad." But there is a radically different understanding of the situation and myself as a whole: "I behave inappropriately." And this usually leads to the conclusion about correcting a mistake or behavior, etc., but not yourself.
A child will grow and develop as a full-fledged personality and behave as a friend if he perceives himself as a full-fledged personality and sees that an adult perceives him the same way.
Being frustrated in the process of upbringing to humiliation, insulting and at the same time trying to be a child's friend, we parents only deceive ourselves.
Let's start with ourselves
Returning to the question of friendship, it should be noted that the ability to listen to, accept the feelings and emotions of another person, always be “for him” - this is primarily the task of an adult. Now everyone can ask themselves the question: is he a friend to his child? And how often is a friend, and how often is an enemy who is not ready to listen, perceive, or understand?
As for the moments of trust, sincerity, openness - so after all, a child is initially an adult friend. At least because without the support, love and care of an adult, he simply can not survive. And nature provided the child with everything necessary for this - absolute love for her parents.
Therefore, when we look for answers to the question of why we have such an uncontrollable child, and explain to ourselves this “punishment of the Lord” or the fact that this is an indigo child and therefore he is so hysterical, “heavy”, etc., maybe are we just wasting time?
The only thing that more or less explains everything is the concept of karma, that is, the law of cause and effect. Although often you don’t even need to delve into past lives to understand the elementary: were we ready for relationships with the child, for his appearance, for his growth, for his development, did we know anything about this other than the experience of our parental family or no? Did we like the way our parents treated us or not, and if not, what did we do so as not to repeat their behavior pattern?
When a person wants to buy a car, he takes a long time to prepare, selects a model, compares prices, etc. But this is not enough. A person learns the rules of the road, takes driving lessons (sometimes even extreme). And if you want to become a surgeon, then you need to study for ten years ... Ten years! Of course, because a person’s life depends on it. But after all, a person’s life also depends on his parents, and often not one, albeit not in such a literal sense, but very close to him.
Which of the parents studied at least ten months? How many parents of those who are “tormented” with their children took lessons from professionals? Which of the popes and moms read literature on this subject? You know, to be honest, completely honest, there are very few of them.
Most parents simply prefer to be victims of their children, unhappy big uncles and aunts, of whom little three-year-olds make ropes. They prefer to be unhappy. Or, perhaps, he is proud of his uncontrollable child, calling it the beautiful word "indigo." And maybe they even assert themselves by punishing the child with cruel methods, recouping children for their old grievances against adults, etc., justifying themselves by the fact that without punishment you won’t get anything from the child. There are many reasons, but they all boil down to one thing: in order to really start to do something, to make a difference, you need to make an effort. It is necessary to show courage and patience. And this is a big challenge - you have to become honest with yourself and admit that humiliating is easier and faster than explaining something or adhering to the rules, especially to yourself.
Ways to achieve the desired world
Questions about the need for punishment or education without punishment are still controversial, there are those who are for the old grandfather's methods, and those who are against.
To deal with this problem, it is first of all necessary to answer the following very important, albeit at first glance, banal question: what is the purpose of punishment? The answer is undoubtedly obvious: to discipline the child, to keep his behavior within, to control him. But do not humiliate, do not belittle his dignity and do not scoff. Fearing that the punishment will be necessarily traumatic for the baby, many parents go to extremes: they do not punish, and the child is deprived of borders and rules, because it becomes impossible to keep it within the boundaries and rules. In any case, in modern society, where rule violations are everywhere and insults are heard, where children, visiting kindergarten and school, get there knowledge and experience not only in mathematics and natural history, but also knowledge of language, and not always literary ...
A remarkable solution to this problem is offered by teachers of a new generation: the punishment must be present, but it must not be forceful and not degrading the dignity of the child. Punishment by deprivation of privileges, for example. In the book "Children from Heaven" ** it is proposed to use a "naughty" rug (high chair, chair), where the child will go for a few minutes to ponder his act and apologize. Even the words "you are punished" acted on the son of a friend of mine just magically. If a child has no experience of cruel punishment, this phrase alone can make him think about his behavior.
It is necessary to find time to restore dialogue with the child. And for this, firstly, to recognize that the family problem is most important at the moment, the rest can wait, and secondly, to understand that the problem is solved, that this time will be spent with great benefit, once and for all.
Then everything is possible. Then enmity and quarrels can just as easily turn into friendship and love, because these are two sides of the same coin, remember?