We are looking at The Safe Room, whereby the Safe Room represents your crisis projects in your marriage.

We are looking at these different types of crisis that will come in your marriage some time or other. It is better to be prepared and has knowledge about it, which will help you to deal better with it when it comes.

In the previous posts, we looked at Death of a loved one and how can a marriage survived the loss of a child or a loved one. The scary statistic is that up to 75 % of couples that lost a child end up divorce.

So today we are looking at the six red lights, that can potentially hurt your marriage in the grieving process.

Photo by Nathan McBride on Unsplash

You should grief like me

One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to expect your spouse to grief the same way as you. Woman and men grief differently and each person will have their own unique way of dealing with the loss. You should observe how each other grief and communicate to each other what you need to do in your grieving process.

Women tend to mourn the sweet moments and memories of the child and need to talk and tell the story. Men need to do something and will try to keep busy to try and not think or talk too much about their hurt. So on the surface, it may look to the wife that her husband is not suffering as much as she is. but don't jump to the wrong conclusions. Be gracious to each other, comfort each other and allow for each one to grief in his own way at his own time.

You should be strong

Don't tell your spouse to be strong. Each spouse should handle at specific moments what he or she is able too. At different times one of you will be the stronger one. In such moments you can step up and comfort your spouse. At another time when you are feeling at your lowest, he/she will be there for you emotionally. Sometimes the two of you might break down together and find comfort in the fact that you still have each other, that you are hurting together and that you are not alone.

Change

With death come change and change is always a challenge. Daily routines no longer seem the same, holidays can be just a cruel reminder that you are missing a family member. Be prepared for change, the loss of a child will change you, your spouse and your life forever. Do not make any big decisions in the first year after the death. Give yourself time to adapt and accept the changes. Establishing new routines and new hobbies. Take small baby steps and one day you will find that you have a slight smile today and with enough time that passes you may even hear yourself laugh.

Photo by Tord Sollie on Unsplash

Your spouse should make you happy.

Don't expect your spouse to make you happy, your spouse cannot make your pain go away. He/she can be there for you, can maybe help you through difficult times but you are still responsible for your own grieving process. You should check that you are making progress.
You can rather focus on your spouse and think about things how to make it easier for him/her. Life goes on, even if it don't feel that way in the beginning. Plan an activity you both enjoy, prepare his/her favourite meal, give him/her some quiet time if you see that it might be necessary.

Failing to meet your partner's needs

In the first few weeks each spouse should understand if their needs are not met immediately. Men feel loved when they are respected and their sexual needs are met. Women will feel loved when they receive tenderness and understanding.

After the loss of a child, it will be difficult to meet these needs

Meeting your spouse's needs may be more difficult after the loss of a child for a few reasons. When a woman feels depressed and emotionally drained she may struggle to meet her husbands and her own need for sex. She may even feel guilty for feeling pleasure during the time of mourning.

While a husband needs physical intimacy to reconnect to his spouse and release tension, he might find it difficult of understanding his wife's emotional and intimacy needs at a time when he is struggling with his own emotions and pain.

Although it will be difficult to meet your spouse's needs, both spouses have to do it. If you cannot reach out to each other, you will drift apart in your grief and your marriage will fail in the long run.

Photo by Matthew Fassnacht on Unsplash

Trying to survive alone.

To isolate yourself can be the biggest threat to your marriage. Although each of you grieves in your own way, you do not need to do it alone. It will be a disaster for your marriage if you shut down and grief on your own and ignores your spouse in his/her process of the grieving. As said above, give each other some space but then reach out to each other. There is much comfort to be found in togetherness. Pull close together, remember your commitment to stay together and work on it day by day, while also working on your grieving day by day.

Conclusion

When you look back you will be able to see the progress that has been made. It will take a long time but the sun will shine again. The loss will have an impact on your life, it will leave you wounded, but slowly but surely a scab will form, and the hurt will become less intense. One day that scab will fall off, you will find you or your spouse smiling unexpectedly. As time goes on, your laughter will fill your home and lives again.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

I lost my first hubby and my sister and unfortunately, I can't tell you the hurt will go away completely. Although the scab falls off, the scar stays. Some days you will still experience intense longing for the one you have lost, this is inevitable but it won't hurt so much as in the beginning and it won't stay with you, it will be a visitor from time to time and that's Ok. The loss of a child, our parents, our siblings or our spouse is not something that can be avoided, everyone on this earth is going through it from time to time. Death is part of life and while some losses hurt lots more than others, there will be healing, there will be a new tomorrow.

Source: https://www.focusonthefamily.ca/content/mourning-in-marriage-after-the-loss-of-a-child
Images: unsplash.com

Thank you for reading. I sincerely hoped that you will never experience the deep sorrow and loss of losing a child. If you did lose a child I will be honoured if you share something of it in the comments.

@hope