Superman’s 1000th

It’s not too long ago that DC Comics announced that their Superman title will finally reach its benchmark one thousandth issue in about a couple of months or so. And if there’s one thing you can trust about big comic book publishers, especially one that has the stench of desperation on them like DC, it’s that you can make damn sure that your nerd teats are going to be milk like old Bessie.
So, to commemorate this “significant” event in the history of their product, you are probably wondering what gimmick Dan Dildo, Gimp Lee, and the rest of the dangerous DC dredging band have in store for you, and the answer will poke a needle-sized hole right in your underoos, true believer! For the 1000th issue of the man of steel/dead horse they stole from Siegel and Shuster, Superman will have… his red underwear back! Oh shit!
I’ll give you a moment to wipe yourself after that. All good? Let’s move on.


So sound the alarm, dip your money into the swear jar, and freaking elbow your fellow nerds right in the face as you claw and squeeze yourself through your local comic book store’s doors because you can bet your butt this shit will sell out faster than a 90s band from Seattle! It’s the red underwear, guys! Yes, you read that right! This is the reason you were born on this planet, the reason why you’re even still alive right now! Superman 1000! Superman! 1000!
Oh, and did you think you were only going to shell out a measly $3.99 for this “groundbreaking issue that will change EVERYTHING in the DC universe”?! What are you, dense? What sort of naïve bullshit are you on to think that a publisher like DC Comics knows the meaning of the word “decency”?! Because when it comes to Superman’s Kryptonian briefs, the least you should spend is $20. But then, Dan and Jim need to buy more cocai— art materials, so you’ll have to add another $9.99 to that. Yes, folks, that’d be $29.99 to see Kal-El’s dick bulge… in red!


Now, hold on to your semi-literate hats because aside from that absolutely world-shattering news we’ve just told you, there’s a bonus that uncle DC has got to celebrate the first superhero in the world. Superman 1000 will feature a brand new, never-before-seen story by the two Cleveland boys they screwed over, none other than Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster themselves! Oh, geez! Oh, golly! Nothing says “happy 1000th issue” better than fcking a couple of honest guys over in life and IN DEATH!
“How dare you! The Superman character is being used by DC by special arrangement with the Siegel estate,” you say? And you’re absolutely right. After all, you can’t fck someone hard in their graves with just a regular arrangement!
So, what are you waiting for? Get dressed and put that KY jelly back in the drawer. It’s time to haul ass to your LCS for 1000 issues of Superman! God help us all!