What Can We Do To Deal With Hate On Steemit?

in conflict-resolution •  8 years ago 

this is a response to @benjojo

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I do understand where you're coming from.

Here's my two cents:

I've been actively studying/living in intentional communities for several years. I am one of the few Americans who was raised in an intentional community. My community has a few similarities to the Amish, in that sharing and having close relationships is at the heart of life here. But I'm an atheist, which is not terribly well-received in society at the moment.

But I didn't always live in a community. I lived the way most Americans do for the vast part of my adulthood: single, alone in an apartment or house, isolated from others even though they are living right next to me. Late in 2011 when the Occupy movement started and I found myself overnight becoming a statistic: impoverished, single mother, on the verge of collapse due to being a victim of psychological abuse, I understood that being isolated is one of the surest ways to die or to continue being a victim of a corporate system as well as to falling prey to others who want to do violence to you. I could see everything much clearer. Before the recession, I was doing well financially and emotionally but afterwards, my life was a mess. I don't blame the recession, but it became the weak link that led to a collapse inside me.

Once the recession kicked in, my job dissolved, I couldn't find work and I lived off my 401K. At the time, was a naive person who trusted people easily. I thought people were mostly good and were generally well-meaning. I was wrong. Two months into my 401K vacation, I met a lively artist and martial arts instructor who embodied a lot of the free-thinking values I did. We became fast friends.

There was one thing I didn't know or even consider when I met this person: psychopathology.

He was a person who lacked empathy entirely. It didn't exist inside him, despite the fact that he actively groomed a secondary personality that was supposed be all about empathy and mercy. His fake self was a sort of new-age spiritual persona that was in stark contrast to his real personality: a criminal who excelled in the art of both physical and mental violence.

Years later I found out he had violently attacked his pregnant ex-girlfriend and was sent to jail because of it. I found out because I acquired the hospital and police records that described the horrific abuse.

Of course, I had no idea about this when I met him, and he did everything he could to cover up his past. But eventually his real self seeped out and by then, I was psychologically hooked and damaged. I was the perfect victim because I am generous, empathic, ignorant about relationships, introspective, perfectionistic and have low self-esteem.

In a short period of time I went from being the happiest person on earth to someone who wanted to die in order to escape my psychopath. The worst part of this is that he had impregnated me and then I was forced to face the horrific reality that I was carrying a baby, made from the genetic material of a criminally insane psycho.

Life was not good.

Death seemed like a pretty good option, but the baby's existence stopped me from going through with self-murder.

What's interesting in this scenario is that I didn't want to seek revenge on someone who was actively abusing me. I wanted escape, and in my mind, the only escape I could conceive of was suicide. This is a very important part of understanding what mind-control and abuse does to a person's ability to function. It removes will power, and control so that the victim is unable to formulate plans.

I never thought I would become a victim as I don't have a history of it. I was raised in a family with a strong mother and I never saw any abuse at my own house. My parents were middle class, law-abiding, tolerant people who were proponents of non-violence.

With the help from my parents, I found the willpower and strength to end my relationship and take full responsibility both for myself and my child. I cut off all ties with my psychopath and haven't seen him since. He cyberstalked for a while, but then gave up when I refused to be fooled by his fake Facebook profiles.

Back to the community.....

Around 2011 I realized I needed to become more integrated into society for survival purposes. Being a single parent makes for a very vulnerable existence. I'm an atheist, so a church was out of the question. For the most part, I don't really like groups, as I tend to disagree with the way they are run eventually. But I wanted to try something different that solved my problems of isolation and future survival. Most women in my situation simply go looking for another man, but in my case, I was so psychologically damaged, I wanted nothing to do with men, as they symbolized violence and pain to me. After a few years after leaving my abuser, I started to regain my old self as I applied various techniques to remove the effects of the brainwashing/abuse I'd received from the psychopath.

I became a member of a group called EC who had formed in one of the most racially-divided areas of my city. An area that real estate developers and politicians of the past had on purpose divided the whites from the non-whites. It was written into the law: "No non-white people shall live West of Troost."

The road that separates the races is called Troost. East of Troost is black, West of Troost is white. The city is still divided, but no one talks about it. All the poverty and most of the violent crime is East of Troost. Homes are abandoned, foreclosure rates are high. Schools are being closed. It looks like a war zone in certain areas.

The group I was in sought to bring new perspectives to a racially divided area. It was led by a visionary female entrepreneur. Soon, the community grew and creative expression was the central focus of the group. Artists flocked to the area, people moved in, the vibe was good and shit was getting done. People were helping to clean up areas, move into abandoned houses, etc. This group was not religious. It accepted everyone and it didn't ask questions or have any defined rules about how to deal with violence, criminals and abusive people. About one year after it was started, trouble started.

There were three things that destroyed this group:

  1. No one had put in place a plan to deal with members who were violently insane and who attacked others. There was one woman who had multiple personalities who effectively created a war, creating 2 factions that began to hate one another. One camp was mostly black, the other was white. Oddly, this woman was white, but she began hating white people and starting fights with the white leaders who started the group. There was also a white man who had a criminal past. He started doing things like slashing people's tires and there were rumors that he raped a woman.

  2. Religious and racial intolerance. Many of the black church leaders in the community began attacking our group saying it was the devils work. Black leaders also wanted us out because were white and lumped us together with slave owners. Misogyny also played a role as many male leaders hated a female-run organization.

  3. Gang violence and illegal drugs. The area that the group was in was near gang-controlled regions. Gang leaders began showing up to the EC parties and there were reports that guns were being hidden on the grounds. The EC parties were reminiscent of a different time before the gangs showed up. Young people had creative art shows, played music, danced, talked about revolutionary new ideas, etc. We set up a communal garden, helped build a school, supported each other, and welcomed anyone no matter what their background. I got to know a few neighborhood kids who were on the fringe of either joining a gang or becoming an artist. Our community supported the arts and free expression so I feel we were a force of positive change. But me being white, I think this phrase applies: "sometimes the road to hell is paved with good intentions."

However, the gun violence, fear, hate, coupled with violent people within it ultimately destroyed the group.

So, what went wrong?

I was, like @dantheman in pursuit of solutions. I wasn't satisfied with the destruction of a group that had pure and good intentions. I wanted to understand how a group of people could, on the one hand not discriminate, but on the other, provide some sense of safety for its most vulnerable group members.

I found an ecovillage named Dancing Rabbit 4 hours away. I decided to study it to learn how they deal with dissent, violence, freedom, independent thought and abusive people. What I learned opened my eyes. Let me explain DR in a nutshell:

Dancing Rabbit is a voluntary ecovillage that accepts anyone. DR has no religious affiiliation. It accepts meat eaters and vegetarians alike. It accepts nihilists, atheists, Christians, blacks, whites, everyone. The only thing you can't do in the ecovillage is use petrochemicals. No gas cars are allowed. If you have an electric car that's fine.

The community has set up a system that is 100% voluntary. There's a cooperative for every possible need you have. What's a cooperative? A cooperative is a something you sign up for and pay a monthly fee. For example, there's a computer/internet cooperative that costs $10 per month. But if you want to set up your own computer network in your own house, that's fine too. Unlike many ecovillages, this one is high-tech. They use solar panels, solar ovens, and whatever new technology is available to solve their needs. But they don't use oil or gas. They generate energy.

There's a food cooperative, many different ones, that were set up by different kinds of people. If you want to set up a vegetarian food cooperative, you can. People join whatever cooperative they want, but all on voluntary basis. If you'd rather just have your own food at your own house, you can. You do whatever you wish. All cooperatives are voluntary.
You can set up your own cooperative. There are no rules about setting things up.

Here's what I learned about how to create a 99% free society and one that doesn't devolve into human filth, hate and fear:

  1. Recruit core members who are mentally stable and who know how to resolve conflicts peacefully. You don't have to be perfect, you just need to have social skills that enable you seek solutions that exist outside of violence.

  2. The existence of a group of highly committed people who are not filled with hate brings about a peaceful environment that is able to withstand the stress of open discussions, disagreements and the cultivation of new ideas. Innovation thrives.

  3. After this core has been established, new members can live at Dancing Rabbit for a trial period. During the 6 month trial period, the new member gets to experience lif at Dancing Rabbit. In that time, a lot of things happen. After the 6 months, the core DR members hold a meeting and discuss the new member, and they decide if they want that new person to live with them or not.

I'm not suggesting this 6 month thing for Steemit, I'm only using this as an example, to illustrate how to be both free and bring about social change.

Here's an example of an acquaintance, George, who went through this trial process:

After the 6 month trial was over, the DR accepted him into their community. He was fine in the beginning, but as time went on, the older members of DR noticed that George was being hostile towards them. George didn't know what he was doing, but it was brought up and George had to confront his actions.

George began his war. He had disagreements which turned into fights with some of the members. After a while, George, was unable to face himself and his actions. He became depressed and his anger turned inwards. He wrote about his struggles online, and ultimately, he couldn't exist at Dancing Rabbit because he realized his psychological issues were infecting the group to a great degree.

His relationship with his girlfriend crumbled and George decided to leave DR, get some psychological help and re-think his life. His issues revolved around unresolved conflicts with his parents. He was lashing out at the older members because of these past problems. But ultimately, the health of the group was the primary agent of change. The DR members didn't use violence on George. They used mirroring techniques.

I also spent some time at DR. I also felt this mirroring technique. After I met many members, I was struck by the fact that they actually talked to me, reacted to me, instead of being on smartphones all the time. Most of the people I met intimidated me. Why? Because I was not as emotionally healthy as them. My visits there made me aware of the problems that existed within myself. You see, a group of people who don't hate and who are not mentally insane can help an enormous amount of people grow.

I see enormous potential for Steemit. I also see enormous potential for it to fail if some of these basic ideas are not fully implemented. However, Dan Larimer's leadership appears to align itself with the basic understanding that societal problems can be solved in a non-violent manner. I agree with him 100%. I may have stirred up some uncomfortable issues, and sometimes the way I approach things that hurt me isn't productive and causes others to hurt. This is the area where I need to grow. I admit that I have my share of struggles. Everyone does. You may have solved the issues that currently plague me, and I may have answers to your troubles. Only through an active discussion and thorough exploration of our feelings, thoughts, ideas and aspirations can we move forward, both personally and as a society.

Society is in a pretty bad state actually. Most of us are not used to the idea of a voluntary place full of options. Only the rich have that luxury of endless options and opportunity.

The masses are used to coercion, abuse, rules that don't allow creativity. Parents neglect their children, depression fills in the voids where love should be, violence is used, and the squashing out of individual expression becomes the norm.

Most people are working many jobs just in order to meet the basics. They are in survival mode. When you're in survival mode, you cannot address the things that are wrong both within yourself and external power structures that are harming you.

Most humans are victimized by a power structure that they don't even realize exists. They don't have time or energy or hope left. They have given up their willpower and their independent thought and have just accepted that they can't do anything to change anything. They take their pills and that's that.

I see massive potential in Steemit, beyond an economic model, and into the realm of revolutionary change. If you made it through this long post, thank you for listening. I leave you with this, a video that opened my eyes to something that directly relates to the question that @benjojo asked and that Dan has mentioned too:

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I wanted nothing to do with men, as they symbolized violence and pain to me.

That is a strong indicator that you can't be objective enough about man's, due your past bad experience with them...

I think one of the things in distributed systems communities and also the infosec and crypto communities which is starting to come up more and more is that the theme is to counter an adversary via technical and technological means. The word adversary is familiar to anyone in the latter two communities, but is a little less well defined in communities like Steemit, but represents the threat of centralised control.

An important thing to remember is that these communities all have technical solutions or at least approaches to this problem, but they often forget to fill in the gaps when it comes to social problems. And to be clear, social problems are health problems... If somebody has sociopathic tendancies, that is a symptom of mental and social unhealthiness. If we don't recognise these people or address pathological behaviours like misogyny, racism, homophobia, transphobia or just social manipulation (to name a few) then culturally we are blind and culturally our immune system is failing.

One of the causes of these blindnesses is hero worship and allowing people to accrue majority shares in social capital by bestowing trust on them because you want to believe in them. We've seen this lately in the Tor community.

That is to say, it is everybody's duty to call out behaviour which is patently damaging, and especially the duty of the outspoken and charismatic to be aware of the way they speak to others - that they don't browbeat and aren't dismissive of ideas that they disagree with... With great power comes great responsibility, but as we're proving with Steemit, with ANY power comes responsibilty. In the early days of Steemit, we have whales, but at least their social capital is quantified for all to see, and I think that's something we should reflect on.

@stellabelle's contribution is so great because she's mixed her opinions and facts with experience and context, which allow each individual to form an opinion with all the facts and to be able to take the parts which they see as relevant or they agree with without taking the whole lot, and we're able to draw parallels where appropriate. Whilst I don't necessarily agree with all her conclusions, I feel that it's really helped to solidify my thoughts on a bunch of things!

But that's just like, my opinion, man. ;)

Hey, thanks for the comment. I especially liked, "One of the causes of these blindnesses is hero worship and allowing people to accrue majority shares in social capital by bestowing trust on them because you want to believe in them. We've seen this lately in the Tor community." Hero worship and the cult of personality are huge problems in the entrepreneur community too. I guess that's where I'd put myself, if I had to choose a group to define my identity. Everyone I know deifies Elon Musk, including myself. However, there's a real danger in doing this. By deifying others, one never truly comes to understand what hidden strengths, talents and powers lie within each of us. Not everyone is going to want to work as hard as Elon Musk does, cramming down a dinner in 5 minutes, and sending email off while playing with your kids, but we can learn from him, take what's useful and dump the rest. The media knows that we deify Musk and they prey on our vulnerabilities. It's very subtle and most people can't see it. I'm a journalist and a paid writer, so I notice stuff like that. What I hope to change is the way that media runs. I want to give people information that helps them, not manipulates their overly hard-wired lizard brain that is consumed by: status, money, power, greed, sex, etc. I feel that my ultimate contribution could be something like this:
Packaging highly dense and helpful information inside little packets of digital media that from the outside look like click-bait. It's like the reverse of click-bait, because my intention is based in altruistic desire to help humans learn to be more authentic, happy, creative and free. It's what the media should be but currently is not. It's also a post-advertising model. Advertising is dead in my opinion. We're moving towards pure times, and I'd also like to help Nikola Tesla's predictions come true........Thanks again for your comments. I love the global feel of this site......and I think that as i get socially healthier, my tone and topics will change. Here's to the future.

I like how you mix autobiographical stories into your posts. It makes them more interesting.
My takeaway from this is, it's better to resolve conflict with free and open dialog rather than violence.
Thanks for another great post!

Thanks, I learned from the master, James Altucher. He sort of inspired me to tell the truth instead of slitting my own throat. Autobiography is a powerful tool that helps people understand what someone has been through. It also releases us from judging and making people feel bad. Once you take responsibility for your pain, and share it with the world, it seems that people geniunely respond and take a look inside themselves. Well, this is what happened to me when i found the work of the entreprenuer and writer, James Altucher. His writing changed my life so much, that I started sending him drawings of gratitude in the mail.

James and I are acquaintances now, and I've had several private message exchanges with him. I consider him to be my writing mentor. He knows this.......he knows how much I admire his writing as I dedicated my book to him.
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This is the drawing I sent to him in the mail. After he got this, he accepted me as his friend.
I didn't do it in order to receive any special access to him. I really feel like his writing saved my life. I was on the edge of deciding whether i wanted to live or die, then i found his writing, which pretty much made me re-think my career and life.

Hi stellabelle, thanks for posting another insightful and thought provoking story. I think you've certainly helped to further define some of the problems and challenges facing us as we attempt to improve the way we organize ourselves whilst attempting to minimize disruption. There is an enormous issue in how we help all the people who have been damaged and impaired by the current systems. It's my feeling that if you get the foundation right (hopefully Steem) then get the standards right (community culture) perhaps the rest will follow. Giving a voice and an audience that cares may also be of enormous help.

The current system is dominated by abuse and neglect. I had over 25 different professions, everything from website designer, photographer, artist, dish washer, lunch lady, car saleswoman, writer, prepress technician, factory worker, caretaker, teacher, videographer, street performer, etc., you get the idea. In all these positions I grew aware of how the power structures humiliated and enslaved regular people. Certain people are easy targets in the current system that rewards sociopaths and punishes empaths. I've studied this system in-depth and could probably write a book about it. This system begins with extraction and control/possession of inert things (wood, rhino tusks, water, energy, etc) that are then made scarce so that the maximum profit can be made from the selling of such goods. This mindset of control then is applied to other areas: (extinction of species, pollution, sex slavery, human smuggling, etc.). Resources are intentionally made scarce and land is priced to astronomical levels. I only became aware of this when i visited an ecovillage that didn't believe in land speculation. Each plot of land was $25 per month, and would stay at that price for a long time. Each person was responisible for building their own house, at their own rate, as they could afford it. No banks were involved. At the end, each family owns their house and can sell it any time for as much as they want. The waiting list to live at DR is getting long. The land, however belongs to the ecovillage. In this way, no one is enslaved, and they remain in positive equity. Life is different when you're not enslaved. I live in a community but it's not an ecovillage. I dream of moving to Dancing Rabbit ecovillage when i am financially stable.

Only the rich have that luxury of endless options and opportunity.

I strongly disagree! No time to explain right now but will come back to make an attempt...

  ·  8 years ago (edited)

The DR members didn't use violence on George. They used mirroring techniques.

Have they used on others?

I guess I don't get the usefulness of this post and especially of that video because I have never been afraid to express my opinions, since I was a child. Maybe it's useful for someone else. I thought this about you are always to going to offend someone this was common knowledge. Not sure how using the example of politicians is accurate, we all know this shit about politicians don't we? And I also think talking about men in certain ways as a whole group like they are all the same is damaging. As pretty much an expert in relating to men and learning more all the time I have to say that simply is not true. Men generally are pretty different but they also share our humanness. Yes misogyny is a huge problem perhaps I will post my short article on social domination - which also occurs with women - but not usually at the same level as men. I don't want to harp on that I think these online platforms perhaps attract certain TYPES of people - that are mostly men - that use it for violent domination and abuse. And there are some silent women quietly cheering them on. Not all men are like that.

I appreciate your input and thanks to bringing some more balance. I don't think we are going to see this very much on steemit...and if they come here, they won't gain influence.

I seriously have a hard time believing that misogyny in western culture is a HUGE problem.(I repeat, western culture) I haven't met a single men who genuinely hated women in 30 years and I have traveled and met a lot of people. Sure, there are douchebags and bimbos but they willingly abuse of each other in different ways. One for sex and the other one for resources & status.

I also don't like the term "mysogyny" very much because it's way too broad and anything can be put under that banner. It's definition goes broader and broader year by year. Even opening a door to a lady can be branded as a mild form of misogyny these days. (sigh)

it's ok. you have one experience. i have another. i cannot convince you of my personal experiences and i cannot change the perception you have of my experiences. life goes on and we continue to learn how the world is different. one day, we may look back at this present moment, Tuesday, 5:51 pm as the start of the next human evolution. We will be asking ourselves why we ever spent time on Reddit, Medium and Facebook. We will be glad that an algorithm has not prevented us from seeing opinons that are vastly different from our own. That is my hope. I guess I'll die thinking this way, as that is the way I thought as a child. People may try to abuse me, take my joy away, but they are wasting their energy. My joy emerges from deep within myself and is not dependent upon external sources. I resonate with those who value me, with my flaws, with my shortcomings, with my intelligence. I let everything and everyone else fall away. This is the natural way of the universe and energy in the scientific world, as well as in the human world.

I was a Women's Studies major in college so I get it and I understand where Leah is coming from. Leah and I both survived relationships with psychopathic men. She published my story in her Medium publication Into the Raw. Misogyny surely is an awful word. But it is a reality for women. Many white cis males just cannot see it due to the cognitive bias that comes from the social status they have.

But, here, on Steemit, with the culture being established by the founders I would use a different approach then spotlighting misogyny at the very beginning to influence the culture. I would just use a different approach that is all.

cryptoctopus - I see that you are in Canada. Misogyny is alive and well in the USA.

  ·  8 years ago (edited)

Good read Stella, thanks

Is this the benjojo post you are referring to? https://steemit.com/steem/@benjojo/what-are-some-of-the-people-problems-facing-steemit-what-are-the-solutions

Yes