To embark on a relationship is exhilarating. But in the long run, this is sometimes a challenge, because loving yourself is not enough. So, how do you make your couple a stronghold that resists all storms?
On the couple, all the approaches, all the demonstrations, literary, sociological or psychological, lead to a single certainty: it is at the same time a mystery and a challenge, and its main fuel, love, is as volatile as polymorph. To put all the chances on his side, there is no miracle recipe, but a posture can make the difference, says Patrick Estrade , psychotherapist, psychologist, and indefatigable activist of the couple: " To love his partner is not enough, it is necessary also love the relationship that we weave with him day by day.For that, it is first necessary to realize that the couple is an entity whose value is greater than that of the addition of our individualities, and that it constitutes a territory much larger than the only intimacy. Once we realize the extent and richness of the territory it represents, we want to take care of it, to cherish it, and in return, it gives us all its benefits in the long run: security, wonder, desire, tenderness, support ... It appears like the castle on the hill, solid, impregnable, ready to face all the storms. "Provided, however specifies, Patrick Estrade, that we renounce fatalism and laxity. It is in this perspective that it lays down the principles and conditions of a relationship as kind as it is sustainable.
Become aware of your wealth
The psychotherapist readily uses the image of two boats (representing the partners) leaving their home port each morning (the couple), and finding him at night, rich adventures and lived experiences, and eager to share them. The home port of the couple has several functions and dimensions: the anchorage, the refuge (when the storm roars outside), the welcome (family, friends), traditions (mine, those of the other, ours), exchange (information, emotions, solutions), projects, defense (against external attacks) and freedom (that of inventing the modalities of its operation). "To become aware of this, of the power and potential of the couple in general, and of theirs in particular, is to have a conscious, loving and grateful look on them. It also leads to caring more, to love as a creation in its own right. "
To experiment: make the mapping of your relationship with your partner. On a large sheet of paper, draw a circle in the center and write "us" inside (you can also place a picture of both of you). Then, all around this circle, note (spreading them on the sheet): anchorage, refuge, welcome, traditions, exchanges, projects, defense and freedom. In concert, add (of a word or phrase) under each keyword what you think define your couple in terms of values, principles or memories. This fun exercise will help you make an inventory and measure together the richness and strength of your relationship.
To pose on the other a admiring glance
Our reflection never looks better than in the eyes of the person who looks at us with wonder. This look could continue if we did not seek, by desire of possession or by need of comfort, to transform the other or to control it. If, in his eyes - and vice versa - we read curiosity, admiration, support of who we are and what we are aiming for, then we would do everything to make the magic last. The lovers of their couple admire and support each other, they are seduced because they appreciate the space of personal affirmation and positive narcissistic reinforcement that they cultivate with two. "In your look, I see my ideal self, and you, yours in my eyes," summarizes Patrick Estrade, before recalling that "too often,
To avoid: the little recurrent vexations (even under cover of humor), to dissociate oneself from one's partner in public, not to show (enough) interest for what fascinates him, the minimization of his talents or his qualities, the distraction or silence about his successes, any form of devaluation of who he is or what he loves. But also the staging of his couple to hide the lack of interest and intimacy.
Give and receive equally
The balance of the couple, unstable by essence, is never acquired. It is made of micro adjustments, questioning, subtle dosages. "I often say that the couple is dying of a thousand imperceptible rudeness, Patrick Estrade reminds, but the debt can also be fatal. There are many ways to get into debt and to indebt the other, the most common is that of giving everything, to comply with the desire of his partner to be happy, but especially not to to lose. This is a miscalculation because no one likes to be in debt, even for good. The psychotherapist advocates the rule of gift and counter-gift, so that each in his / her couple lives as a free subject. And this in everyday acts as in exchanges and behaviors (support, compliments, advice, sacrifices ...). It is on this condition that we like to return and find ourselves in the "couple home", equal, and that the atmosphere is pleasant and light.
To practice: together or individually, make an inventory of what you give to the other and what you receive in terms of quantity and value. In case of manifest imbalance, think about how one could put equality in the relationship but also to the "why" of this imbalance: what fears does it harbor?
Do not let the relationship freeze
"We were like two carps buried in the mud of our daily life [...]. We will now be like two trout quaking flank in the waters of a mountain stream. If Patrick Estrade likes this passage of the Medianoche in loveMichel Tournier is because he expresses the joyful voluntarism of those who want to give every opportunity to their couple. The psychotherapist regrets the passive attitude or the fatalism of the partners when they notice that the bond has become distended or that the boredom has been invited home. "Desire is an energy that should irrigate the couple, but it often leaves something to be desired because, unfortunately, we want less what we have than we hope. The relationship should not be frozen in role plays, in habits never questioned ... It is vivified and regenerated when all the dimensions of the self can be deployed or rubbing itself to all the dimensions of the other. For this, Patrick Estrade reminds us that "we need the proximity to be moved by the other and the distance to be surprised by him".
To focus on: personal time slots, sharing times for the couple, personal attentions and compliments, expressions of gratitude, support and encouragement in times of change or facing the test. But also accepting to be destabilized by the other and not to try to make him "go into the ranks", not to allow to continue the discomfort or the latent conflicts, to keep the familiarity at a distance by asking oneself regularly: "I would do Or would I say that if we had just met? "
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