Original draft, a work in progress (need to add how God brought light into my life through it) - intended as a Spoken Word - More from a time of healing and digging up what needed to be let go...
The day I tried to live? It was my wedding day. To the woman I poured my soul out to; she knew my darkest ways. Still, she said she loved me, and I needed her desperately. To leave my chains behind. To stop my running from me and Father God, alike.
The wedding bed? My freedom from the sexual immorality of the most perverted porn. The self - loathing that it bred. The worst chains on my body, spirit and my head "It is not good for man to be alone", God said. To leave behind my chemical abuses and the marijuana, because she had said. I was only fooling myself. I fear I knew it from the start, but to leave those things in my past was the true desire of my heart. As hard as it would be, I fooled myself that she truly did agree to stand beside me in my battles; to be the man I knew Jesus wanted me to be. So, it began. The countdown to the day I died.
The patterns of my brokenness did ebb, but still, they also flowed. First, she forgave and let offenses ride. She was my Love, after all, but she, too had a darker side. Her offenses were subtle, at first, and I truly did forgive the wounds that came from my bride. Yet, the more I stumbled, the more her true struggle began to show. I was her third, and she was my first. She had developed a callousness the Church pew could not soften.
Lack of respect in spiritual matters was her first, truly painful blow. I had the knowledge, proven time and again, even by our pastor, but she still would not let me in. I was desperate to walk it out with her, but my walk still stumbled, and, to her, that was the factor she gave to remit on her forgiveness, and my past offenses gave a long list for her to show. In that, she proved to have never truly let anything go. "How does it feel to be back to zero?" she would say, cutting my heart and putting any progress to naught. she told me "I'm turning off - my emotional self I now deny to you"; so, no matter what I tried to do, in all the hurt I caused, true forgiveness could never be caught, no matter my true remorse.
No longer would there be any help in my battles, for she had already left me behind and, she kicked me out, of course, saying I left her for pot when it was clearly not my choice. Never to acknowledge she left me first, by denying me my voice.
At our ministries' plea, she brought me back, though still amidst a lack of true respect, submitting me to drug testing, at her behest. And so, I passed, but to no avail, she would not accept the test, and with mistrust, sent a negative off by mail. I truly snapped in defeated bad form, and in bitterness I vowed to never submit to testing anymore.
And so, my resolve to never be an angry man like my father was toward me became yet another defeat in my life and began to drive a wedge yet further between me and my wife. With both of us diagnosed with ADD, the fighting in circles just ran. We could not even pinpoint why the arguments began. It went like this and kept getting worse. The pot. The porn. The money. the total disrespect, ignoring me in public, even at our Church, no less. I became despondent, she never opened back up.
I could never discuss real issues with her. "We don't have the time" she would say, while crowding our schedule each and every day. Finally, the real ugliness came through; about charity starting at home - a harmless talk I thought to have that turned completely wrong. While behind the wheel she turned her angry yell at me - and I responded in kind. Then the electrical storm of pain began. From the crown to my toes, I felt each hammer - fisted blow. So fast I had no count - so vicious and deadly accurate I could not block. A black eye and a battered skull - God protected me from staggering temple blows. She lost and miraculously regained control of the van. In the parking lot after a short reprieve - I triggered the beating again as I grabbed the keys. Desperate to stop the violence I shouted an empty threat, and finally, it ceased. I locked her out and made a call to go and pack some things - but in the end, it was her time to leave.
She assured me, in deceit, we could work it out. But all she did was lay a trap and waited it out. A year later I unknowingly sprung it, so she wasted no time telling me it was over and-completely shut the door on me. She moved to plan her wedding day with the one she was with while I let myself believe we could make it work. Before I found out she was with our Pastor's brother - while trying to still work it out or get closure, -she let her true motive slip. A year after her attempt, she coldly texted her intent. In no uncertain terms she let me know I was no longer her husband - for that day, to her, was - The Day I Died.