For some people divorce is incredibly difficult and they consider it as a failure or loss in life. I suggest we look at the divorce from a different perspective. Hope this changes your views. And note, this is a reflection based on my own experience. I don’t want people to break up. What I want is to look at it from different angles. So, let’s talk about it.
Small Intro
My name is Oleg, I am 37 years old (as of 2021) and I’m from Cody, WY, USA. I was married for 8 years before my divorce 2 years ago.
When this happened I got plenty of phone calls and WhatsApp messages from my friends and relatives supporting me. They were saying things like “Don’t be upset”, “Try to focus on something else”, “Stick it”, “Take it easy”. I understand that for some people any breakup or divorce is a serious blow. But to my shame (or luckily) I didn’t look at it as an Armageddon in my life.
Quite contrary we both felt relieved. I actually thought that all people feel the same way when they break up. But apparently not.
By the way, here are the Relationships Stats in the USA.
And there were a couple of my friends asking me to tell them how I was able to handle it. So here it is…
Ways one may look at a marriage
Obviously, different people in different countries look at a marriage differently. In some families and even countries it’s a sacred thing.
Christian world is not an exception. And that is the first point of view.
Here is what the Bible says:
"Have you not read that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, and said, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh"? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate."
So, religion looks at a married couple as a unified object. And if there are some problems in a relationship they should be fixed.
But what if there are problems that cannot be fixed or people do not want to fix them? It brings us to the second point of view, when marriage is the union based on a voluntary agreement. And it lasts as long as both parties are willing to maintain it.
One may say that if you always keep in mind the backup plan to get divorced you will finally end up breaking up. But I see here a misconception. I think the opposite way. If, for example, a man loves his woman and knows that some things may hurt her really bad that she will think about the divorce he will never do that. This works in the opposite direction as well.
Divorce as a solution
People come to this world not to struggle, but to be happy and make others happy as well. So, if the marriage makes both parties miserable, why do they do this to each other?
Some people look for open relationships or even NSA Dating.
Couples face different obstacles in their lives. Some overcome them and grow stronger. Other families crash against them. When people cannot look at each other, cannot stay in the same room, why would they torture each other?
In this case divorce is one of the possible ways out. It’s not a failure. It’s a solution.
I loved my ex wife. That’s for sure. We went through financially difficult times together with honor. We bought a house, our first cars, we traveled a lot. I am proud of the history we had. But time changes people and now we are happy apart.
By the way here is a nice post about the pain free breakup approach.
Never regret
There are plenty of couples that are extremely unhappy together, but they do not break up due to reasons like:
common history;
mutual property and assets;
children (that is probably the only reasonable family preservation argument, but it can be handled humanly as well);
age.
Here are some nice articles about the age: life after the divorce after 40, best dating for singles over 60 and dating services for singles over 70.
So these are some of the things that traditionally stop people from the divorce. If the first and the second are more material things that should not be a problem in a modern society, the third one (children) is something you should carefully think of.
I was raised in a family with the conservative values and I share some of them. And I am positive that children must be raised in full families (with the father and the mother). Therefore in this case I would recommend couples to think if they can continue being a family without hurting the child? Cause on the other hand continuous fights and altercations will also have a major impact on the child.
Hence, you have to think soberly and decide what does a bigger damage to your kid and go from there.
I know it’s a tough question. But when you have a mutual child it’s no longer about you, but about the child.
Wrap Up
I hope that you understood me correctly. People are getting married and divorced all the time. Some of them do it frivolously, while others come to this consciously.
But what matters is how they handle and get over it. Plenty of divorced couples can easily communicate and congratulate each other on the holidays.
Look for happiness and make other people happy. Good luck.