CANCER ~ Good Bye Missed : (

Cancer is a scary word for anyone to hear. Before my dear childhood friend, Bonnie passed, I did not understand this word and the sadness it carries to each patient with Cancer and their family.

About 5 years ago, my best friend Bonnie told me a phone call that she had been diagnosed with Cancer. I asked her Cancer? She replied Cancer of the Pancreas. I asked if she had gone to see a specialist and her answer was yes. From our conversation, she said the specialist/oncologist booked her to get chemo and radiation without too much explaining. I'm guess that my good friend was feeling too sick to ask any questions and just went along with the recommendations. We spoke a few more times on the phone and she sounded very upbeat about the whole Cancer ordeal. I was told by my family members not to visit her because I may somehow 'catch' the Cancer. Stupidly, I listened and did not visit her. I know today that it was the wrong choice. Yes, at the time, I was really uneducated about this disease/condition called Cancer. The last time, I spoke to Bonnie, she said that she was home now and was feeling much better due to the chemo drugs so I was really relieved. I know that once she saw her oncologist everything would be okay, at least that's what I thought. During this time, I too was going through my own illness and was too sick to continue conversations with Bonnie. Know that she was going to be okay made me feel like I can now deal with my discomforts. A few weeks later while search the net, I decided to google Pancreatic Cancer and as I read through pages upon pages of websites, I began to feel scared ... there was so much I didn't know. The net said that there is a 2-3% chance of survival when a patient has this type of Cancer. I was feeling a little freaked, if you know what I mean l, as my friend had not called me for a couple of weeks. Deep inside, I was thinking, oh no, oh no, she couldn't be, she can't be. It was fear that prevented me from calling her again. I began to yearn for my phone to ring but nothing. Weeks turned into months ... One night while lying in bed, I had an idea. Google is where people ask their questions, right? So my head began to churn, of course I was thinking nonsense but ended up with the answer to my question. Kaboom! My best friend in entire world had passed while I was dealing with my own illness. This is what happened. I thought, okay, this Cancer is quite deadly and has taken many lives, of it has taken my friend then her obituary notice may be up on the Internet. All this time, I kept questioning myself as to why I would be googling this? I just didn't get any calls from her, that's all. She's fine, the chemo and radiation worked, Bonnie's just resting a home right now and doesn't feel like calling me right now. I placed my fingers on my keyboard, kind of trembling, not sure why and trying to think through what I could punch, I suddenly wanted to type in her name, birth date and the word 'died'. Knowing that nothing would even pop up but 'oh my god!' My Bonnie, my dear friend Bonnie's face appeared in a photo as a search listing ... My heart stopped, even before I pressed on the link, tears started streaming down my face. I looked at the photo, stared at it for a long time. I was silently thinking, 'no, no, no ...' After a few minutes, I touched on the link and Bonnie's obituary notice appeared. Hold back tears, I stared carefully at her gaunt looking photo, examining each and every feature on her face. My eyes then glided slowly reading the short blurb that sat next to her photo. For some reason, my head did not recognize the announcement that she was no longer here. It took me a couple of days before, this news sank into my head. I just kept telling myself that this was all a dream and that she was still here with me and that there was no obituary that existed. When I finally came around, I try to retrace what had happened. My friend Bonnie was married to a guy that I did not know too well so I felt uncomfortable calling him, I never did call. The guy knew we were good friend but never bothered informing me. In my heart, I wished that I could have been there by her side. I would have comforted her in any way I knew how. I considered her like a sister ... a sister that I abandoned because of my ill knowledge of Cancer. Till this day, I have not visited her grave because I am afraid to confront the truth and want to pretend that she is off on some vacation and will be coming home soon. I am also too ashamed to visit the site and I feel that she may have been saddened the fact that I never visited her in her time of need. If she could hear me, I want to say that, " I am so sorry that I did not come to say good bye, you must be very hurt but just know that I have always considered you my very best friend in the world. I am sorry, please forgive me." One day when I want to face the reality of her death, I will visit my friend the proper way ...