If The Democratic Establishment Were A Husband

Wife: Darling, the pipes are still broken.

Husband: I told you I’ll get to it.

Wife: It’s been months, darling. This house is turning into a bog and the children are getting sick.

Husband: I’ll get to it, I said! Look, we all need to come together on this issue. You happen to be married to the best handyman there is, and I definitely care deeply about fixing those pipes. Did you know there are children getting sick as a result of our bad plumbing?

Wife: I literally just said that.

Husband: I know one of them, Jeannie, she’s eight years old, and she has the most heartbreaking story you’ve ever —

Wife: I know! That’s our daughter! Look, just please let me call a plumber.

Husband: Oh look at you with your pie-in-the-sky ponies and unicorns. There’s no money for a plumber.

Wife: What? We’ve got plenty of money!

Husband: Nope we don’t! I spent it on this cool drone! Check it out!

Wife: Idiot! Why are you spending our money on drones when our children can’t drink the water?? Look, okay, I’ll call my brother. He can fix this.

Husband: What? No! You can’t bring in a third party! This is a two-party system! You have to choose between me and the raw sewage that’s slowly filling our house.

Wife: But the raw sewage is your fault! You refuse to fix the problem! If you’d just start fixing the problem we wouldn’t be up to our ankles in poo water!

Husband: I think the real problem is that you’re completely overreacting and misinterpreting the situation here. Everything’s fine. I just need to work on my messaging.

Wife: Oh my God! You can’t stop me from calling my brother. If you won’t fix the problem I’ll get someone who will.

Husband: You can’t call your brother.

Wife: Why not?

Husband: The Russians —

Wife: Oh, again with the Russians!

Husband: They hacked our phone! This is a serious crisis!

Wife: Oh, you blame those Russians for everything! The phone, the car, that job you didn’t get —

Husband: I’m pretty sure your brother was behind that as well. I was the most qualified candidate in history for that position!

Wife: You submitted an awful resume and you know it!

Husband: I don’t understand how you can be fighting me when we’ve just been attacked by Russia!

Wife: I can’t take this anymore! I’m leaving.

Husband: The Russians put that thought in your mind!

Wife: Huh? No, I’m pretty sure it was the swirling eddies of poo in our living room put that in my mind.

Husband: No, you don’t get it, they got to your brother and now he’s got to you!

Wife: Nope.

Husband: Anyway, where are you going to go? No one else will ever love you. No one will ever take care of you. If you remarry the next guy will probably just let you fester in a house full of poo water, like a bloody psychopath.

Wife: That’s exactly what you’re doing!

Husband: Yeah but check out this cool drone!

Wife: You have got to be the most… hey, what’s that over there?

Husband: What? Where?

Wife: Right there!

Husband: Oh, nothing. That’s nothing.

Wife: It’s a sledgehammer! Did… did you break our pipes?

Husband: No. Stop reading Russian WikiLeaks.

Wife: You did! Christ, what are you??

Husband: Look miss ponies and unicorns, I don’t know how things work in your imaginary fairy candyland, but down here in the real world you can’t make an omelette without cracking a few sewage pipes. In times like these, we need to unite to advance the common good of everyone. Come on, let’s go to bed. I’ve met a nice man from Wells Fargo who said he’ll get me that job in exchange for a few favors.

Wife: Sigh… okay, I guess. Not like there’s anywhere else I can go. Will you please try and fix those pipes though?

Husband: Someday, dear. Maybe someday. Come to bed.

Wife: Okay… wait! Who’s she??

Husband: No one. Stop imagining things.

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