Jesus Set me Free - The Pain & The Misery

Sometimes I lose control because we live in an uncontrolled environment. The obstacles of life can really hold me back. Did I ever even have control to begin with? No, probably not. Am I complaining? Well, probably, but I also see it as a way of channeling a negative experience into something else. Whether positive or not is not quite the point, but it's certainly better than doing nothing, or even doing or saying something I might regret.

^{Here's a picture just for the sake of it}

Illusions, Lies,

I've been tricked. I was literally granted the illusion of control (Which reminds me of the illusion of manual curation but that's a different topic. I'd rather have no control than to have the illusion of control. This type of control can prove to be disastrous. I've been in this situation before. Where did it land me? Damn near homeless, with no running water/electric for an entire summer I don't want to go through that again. I am not okay with the bare minimum.

Don't fear the enemy that attacks you, but the fake friend that hugs you

Depression

When depression kicks in, how people handle it is solely on them. The problem is when those around me are directly or indirectly, and willingly or unwillingly the cause of the depression I may be experiencing.

Am I perfect? Of course not. Nobody is. I haven't posted in a few days due to life's unwanted obstacles. Your proverbial "life has thrown me a curve ball." I hate that I allow those that I love influence me and what I do to the point that depression takes over and I completely shut down. What a setback! The anxiety this gives me prevents me from leaving the house unless I have to. (for work) and then I have to wear a fake smile so as to not allow my customers to get that sense of something being wrong (which has happened)

The question I have is why do those around me continue to hurt me? With so much drama already in the outside world, I wonder why people choose to create drama within their immediate world. Especially when they don't understand my methods. "There's a method to my madness!" I tell them. My good intentions are questioned to the point where by the time I am ready to unleash my good intentions, those that I want to share it with the most will get zip, zero. I don't want to think like this

Nothing is helping. The person doing it can stop but they choose not to. Every time I get up again I'm thrown back down. It's a personal hell and while things could always be worse, it throws a wrench in my daily life of what I consider normal.

This creates an extreme lack of motivation where all I want to do is sleep. Those capable of making the situation better ignore the situation entirely, hoping that eventually it will go away. Do they feel bad for what they've done? Probably, but their way of showing it is to ignore.

Having to bottle things up can suck. Having to talk to someone that is completely oblivious to the situation sucks too. The person that can help make the situation better doesn't really make it better. An apology doesn't matter when it's the 36th apology in 5 years and the 12th apology in the last 3 months.

Addiction

The stress levels this causes are so unnecessary, that it has forced me to cave. I had a few puffs of a cigarette. Did it help? Not at all. I haven't picked the habit back up, so a few puffs over the course of the last few days equaling no more than two won't get me back on it. I still caved. It's me letting myself down, but I gotta keep trying. I'm still motivated to quit. The anxiety that builds up can be calmed down by other means, but what else am I used to?

More Addiction

Unfortunately for me, the lies and deceit stems from addiction. No matter how hard I try to stop it, I can't. It's not me, so how can I? Not doing anything makes me feel like I am simply enabling it, but doing anything proves to be a lot of wasted effort! This angers me to no end. Watching someone you care about destroy themselves while they hurt you sucks Especially when they feel it's all good.

Why am I airing this? Well, because I feel I need to get it off my chest in order to move forward. When the person that hurts you just wants to move on from it instead of talk about it, I'm left with little options.

I guess it also shows you I'm still human.

My solution

My friend has been preaching to me for years that Jesus is the answer. I know this. At least I think I do. I have to forgive and forget because it is my understanding thanks to my good friend that humans are not designed to to carry the burden of grief and depression. These are what I consider attacks from the devil. Forgiveness and Jesus helps us alleviate the stress and burdens by giving it all to him. It's all in his hands. I've given it 5 years. I've tried but I feel like I am doing something wrong. Otherwise, I end up cutting other things out of my life in order to alleviate stress. This is why I left the crypto world a few years ago. Someone causing me intense stress not stopping so I had to cut something out of my life that would help balance things out. It certainly didn't help me financially but I think that it's thanks to God that I'm even able to write anything right now. To be honest, I'm not in the mood, but I'm also not in control.

I don't want to forgive, and I don't want to forget.
This is the worst thing that I could do. I know this. When will I get over this shit. I'm told all the time that this worry doesn't allow God to do his work. I guess I've grown impatient after five years of waiting. I hate holding grudges, but what I hate more is forgiving people that don't deserve my forgiveness.

The factor is that Jesus forgives all, even me, and even I am undeserving of his forgiveness. A part of the lesson is that we must learn to forgive all. This really pisses me off, because those that know I'll forgive, are clearly taking advantage!

So please Jesus, Set me Free from the Pain & The Misery!

Is someone in your life causing you grief? I feel you. Let's pray about it and hope they find the way.

Are you doing the hurting? Whether with lies or something else, I'd love to know why, from other perspectives.

Maybe this will help me get back on my game. Being stuck in a position like this sucks. I don't want to change someone. I'm also not willing to enable their habits or their lies. It certainly feels like I'm walking down a dead-end path but I'm not even getting anywhere.

What do I do? Walking away seems to be out of the question for me, or I would have walked long ago.

It's going to be hard work, and a long, bumpy road ahead. Success is hardly even worth it if the people I want to share my success with don't seem to care.

Thanks for reading my rant, and I know I can move on, the problem is the fear of having to look over my shoulder and wondering if it'll happen again.

I trust that it won't, but it does anyways. I just want to get over it. I want to focus on my work, but I can't because my mind is clouded by the pain. Pain is relative, my hard day may be a walk in the park for you, and your hard day may be a walk in the park for me.

@bitfiend