It's a long story, but there's a happy ending. I've never shared it before, but now I'm ready.
Anxiety struck me like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. It all started with jitteriness and a loss of appetite, sweaty palms, and an elevated heart rate that I could feel. The thought of going to work made me vomit in the morning. I didn't know what anxiety was back then, and when I tried to explain it, I just said I was a little sick. My job was a high-pressure sales job with no sick days, so I just got on with it.
I was losing weight quickly as well, but I had some to lose, so I wasn't concerned.
Then the panic attacks began. Everything revolved around my heart for me. Without any trigger, it would beat extremely fast, scaring me into a vicious cycle.
I was terrified the second time it happened, so I called an ambulance. They took me to the ER because my heart rate was 180bpm at rest, and that was the first time I encountered what I believe to be a major problem... I'm not sure what it has to do with society, body image, medical attitudes, or anything else. I went to see the ER doctor, who dismissed my concerns and sent me home.
My anxiety had worsened, and I was now terrified of having another panic attack. I quit my job within a week because I was afraid I'd have another attack while driving. (This was to be the only time I was unemployed since I was old enough to work until I gave birth to my son), so I also lost the independence that driving provides. I lost another ten kilograms. My family was discussing eating disorders. My husband overheard telling them, "she's throwing up again," and my parents' neighbor approached me to tell me I was bothering them and that they'd told him they "just couldn't get me to eat."
I went to see my doctor. The first thing he said to me was how beautiful I was. I was underweight at this point. I told him what had happened and how I felt, and he said, "but you look so good, you look like a supermodel," implying that I was being ungrateful for the 'gift' that had been given to me.
He took some blood and sent me on my way after some coaxing from my husband. He later called to tell me that I didn't appear to be dangerously malnourished, that my thyroid function was normal, and that I should take some vitamins. Still, no one had mentioned anxiety, and I felt like a fraud because the fact that I wasn't malnourished implied that I was exaggerating my inability to eat. I was shattered. I assumed that was the end of it. I was just going to feel like this forever.
My uncle said he knew a doctor who would "give me something for it," so he drove me there. He was correct. The doctor didn't say much; it was clear that he suspected I was looking for drugs, but he was fine with that, so he gave me medication and sent me on my way. They didn't accomplish much. I don't recall ever feeling normal again while taking them.
I lost more weight, and people commented on how my bones protruded and that I'd gone too far. If I was ever out, people would stare and make comments to each other, and I understand why. I had the appearance of a junkie. My hair was thin, my bones were visible through my clothes, I had dark, stressed-out eyes, and I was jittery. This had been going on for about six months and had cost me my independence, my career, my health, and many of my friendships.
Then one night I decided to drink some wine, got a little drunk, and for the first time in a long time, I actually felt relaxed. It was so good that I had some more the next day, and it worked again and again and again. What happened next was a three-year downward spiral. During that time, my marriage and the majority of my relationships ended. Nobody had agreed to this. I was a complete shambles, making one bad decision after another.
I finally went to a walk-in GP to try to get help for my drinking problem, and I was eventually placed in therapy. That is where I learned about anxiety and panic attacks and was able to wean myself off of alcohol. I also learned coping techniques to help me control my anxiety naturally.
That was nearly ten years ago, and my life is now blessed with a very good man and a beautiful boy. I rekindled some old friendships and formed some new ones. I'm grateful for where I am now, but no one should have to go through what I have. Most of it was unnecessary, and I still don't trust doctors.
Anyway, if you've made it this far, thank you for giving me the opportunity to tell you my story. I'm sure it's not unique, but it's mine, and I've never told anyone else about it, so thank you.