I have always had depression—a "mood." Not my moods but the way they feel. That's because, as a child, my mum used to say that we were all like that. My parents didn't care about it, so when people talked about it in class, my grades went down and the things I wanted didn't become a reality. It didn't help that my friends started telling me things weren't real and I felt very sad. Nowadays I'm much more open to what goes on in our mind after school. But I don't consider myself truly depressed yet, and I'm pretty sure you can't either.
My depression is mostly just my thoughts going round and round and not feeling any pain. I think it's caused by genetics. Having relatives who are depressed makes me feel sad and depressed. As for being a negative person—well yes, sometimes I get really bad at saying no. When people ask if I'm depressed I'll give them an "I'm fine" like it actually means something and then I'll go away to be with someone else—which is really pathetic. This doesn't mean I don't like what I'm doing, I just want some time to yourself.
I'm only 23 so I still don't know how long it will last (I'm pretty sure it won't be forever), but right now my life is basically the same as it has been for the past nine years, especially because of the lockdown. Maybe I'm getting lazier. Maybe I'm not sleeping enough as well, which is a symptom and I'm over thinking most days and taking too many risks in my job. Maybe I'm getting worse at everything with my family and my health too. Regardless, there's nothing else I can change about today because tomorrow will just come around and take a turn.
I think that everyone thinks they're the best on earth when they're depressed and, sadly, I guess people will start to judge us. People think we're weird or selfish and that we're so easily depressed. I suppose in one way it's true, because we're all depressed sometimes. We're just different from one another. There's nowhere on earth I haven't seen someone cry. We're all a little bit emotional. No one loves another human being more than anyone else. Yes, it's a lot better when we get angry instead of falling into despair. What we're feeling is what we're feeling and no other emotion is wrong or wrong.
When you have depression, your brain shuts down and goes into reverse mode. You feel everything a way you never thought possible so then you start to see things in a new light and that makes you feel a sense of clarity. Your head starts spinning, you're worrying and constantly thinking how awful life really is and you're trying to force things out of existence and get rid of the negativity in your head.
I've had depression since I was 16 and, until recently, hadn't felt like talking about it and felt ashamed of it. But over time I've realised that depression isn't something you always see in a negative light. Depression isn't the reason why the world hates you, you're not responsible for it (unless you choose to believe it to be). Depression is the reason why you can't concentrate in anything. Every day, that happens somewhere, it won't stop for another second. Life can seem dark and empty. So people try and keep us depressed and tell us that we should try and fight against whatever's happening inside our heads. It's easy for them to say because they haven't felt anything at all and, of course, what you're thinking is none of their business, so they start trying harder and harder to shut you up and tell you to just get your own damn affairs together because you're stupid.
I'm sure you're tired of hearing this. Maybe you're tired of being told what to do (which is kind of funny when you're depressed) but to say to people you're just going to lose control of yourself (so they tell you it's normal) and then to finally realise that they're not actually going to lose control of themselves and tell you so. Maybe you're fed up of people trying to talk you out of your problems because they're afraid of losing you. If you're depressed, you're scared to try things and people will make you think you're silly. They'll talk you out of it. Don't ever let them get close. Because it can be hard when you're depressed, but when you're at home with no thoughts, no feelings and no worries, you're suddenly able to let go of those things (and the worry) and just live your life as much as your body wants it to live. The worst thing anyone can say to you is to compare your life to theirs because they know what their life is like—I swear to God they do.
I guess what they're scared of is being alive and having a mind to think and a body to get up and try. Why would they hate that? Is it because they've never felt anything for themselves? Or they've thought their lives had been terrible in every way? Whatever it is, they're scared of losing their minds for fear of losing life.
I don't know about you but, no matter what the depression is, the sun seems to rise on me every morning. Even though I may not want to, I get up early just to look outside and the sunlight gives me a little bit of hope for another day. For the next few months I feel a little bit sad to go to work each day but then again it gives me enough motivation to push on. I also love spending time with my family and watching TV. I probably shouldn't get up and leave a phone behind and maybe watch the news or read a magazine but these things make me feel okay.
So sometimes depression is just a negative thought of yours. And for the rest of your life your world seems a little less grey. Things can sometimes be depressing when you're happy. It's hard to get good at anything when you're depressed. And, maybe, as a positive thing, it's the worst time to fall into a deep sleep when you've got an absolutely brilliant attitude about what's going to happen tomorrow. Just try. Try to do as much as you can. You're strong. Do whatever you can to get through the day. Let yourself feel and enjoy life when you're able. Believe in yourself. Take care of yourself! A year from now, I'm hoping you'll have finally found happiness. Maybe, just maybe, it'll be one of those days where all of your work, you can finally relax instead of rushing around to work, rush off to your classes etc. And, while you're doing that, you'd rather just feel happy in your own skin. Oh no! Your anxiety is back! All I have to say is... it'll pass. Just stay calm. I promise you will.