Stay & Die Or Live & Learn

Every survivor has a story and a purpose of their own. This is my story, and my purpose is to let you know you're not alone.

My Story

I remember the first time he flipped on me, it was over his white tee that turned blue in the laundry. I remember him screaming about how I only take care of myself, I was scared, shaking, and unsure of what I felt. I ran out the door, I was three months pregnant almost four. He chased me down the street still rambling on about the shirt I think. A friend was driving by, she stopped to offer me a ride. I remember crying as I went to work that day, while he lay at home jobless, irresponsible, and insane. Of course I forgave him for what he did, he gave me some bullshit stories about when he was a kid. Now let's skip ahead to getting evicted. While I was laid up in the hospital after giving birth, he flipped out on my landlord, my best friend, and my mother. So the day I came home with my newborn son, I received a notice that we had to be out in one month. He called the police as if they would help, so badly I
wanted to leave that day to save my son and myself. I felt so helpless; he took me away from my friends and family, even the place I sleep. Eventually my spirit would be added to this list of things.
It was moving night; my grandfather let him borrow his truck. It was raining, cold, and dark, I felt so stuck. My baby was four weeks old, so beautiful, so precious, I fell down a flight of stairs carrying some boxes on some wet stuff. I was lying at the bottom of the stairs crying, then angrily down the stairs he came flying, telling me, "You're wasting time you dumb bitch, get up you're not dying." We were at the new apartment, everything was moved in. He kept me and the new neighbors up all night lecturing me like I was his kid.
The new place was dark and smelled of mold; the last time someone lived there it was the murder scene of a four year old. The husband was abusive,and the woman's child was sick, I guess he got tired of him crying and put an end to it quick. You could cut the bad aura in that apartment with a knife, it was so thick.
My comfort was the next thing to be taken away that night, from that point on it was constant fights. He even cheated right in front of me; I guess he thought I'd lost my sight. He blamed me for everything that went wrong in his life. The mental abuse was strong, and he was always right. I lost myself somewhere between the broken pictures and shattered glasses. In the bruises, the spitting, the smashes. The torn
furniture and dart throwing as results of his lashes. I lost myself in the sight of my nine month old pulling his pant leg to free me of his bashes, and then I woke up.
I made a plan to leave; it wouldn't be long, even
wrote him a letter to read, for after I was gone. But things don't always go as we hope at times, it was earlier than I'd planned, the date was January ninth. I woke up to my reality. Like I'd been dreaming and suddenly awakened by his screaming. He was trying to knock the locked door down. I was holding my son frantically dialing the phone, trembling at the sound
of answering machines, nobody's home. The day I want to go, to leave for good, the day I'd never been so afraid for my livelihood. The door slams open, broken and tattered; he grabs the phone and stomps until its shattered. My only line to the world, the one connection to help, then suddenly I began to depend on myself. He wouldn't let me leave with my son, pushing, grabbing, throwing,
anything to stop me from going. I grabbed the keys secretly, as he continued to violate me mentally. I set my son in his crib gently; my mind
was taking over me. I ran and called the police from the house next door, a domestic disturbance; the silent war.
Suddenly strong, I was either fed up, or so far gone, that nothing or no one could tell me I was wrong. Running, I went back into the house dodging objects, grabbing my son's food, formula, and diapers to take, as he followed me every step of the way. Somehow I could no
longer hear a word he had to say. Nothing material of mine mattered more than my soul, more than raising my son in an emotionally and mentally stable home. Nothing, no excuse is enough for me to stay, in a hell that I have a choice of leaving today. I hear the police
asking him his name, and him telling them I'm the one to blame. I don't remember any more of their questions, "I just want to leave with my son," was my only mention. "Can you escort me out? That's all that I'm asking, I'm leaving now, this chance I'm not passing." As I walked past him he was helpless, past the mess and carelessness,
past the calendar filled with his family court events, past the walls that if could talk, would have so much to say. Through the door I loved leaving every morning, and hated returning through every day. Out of the hell I'd become so accustomed to. No longer concerned about
where we would go or stay. No longer worried about having no money saved. Nothing else mattered but peace and freedom that day,
The comfort and glory was no longer his to take. Leaving was no longer a dream or impossible victory. I left deciding my own fate and destiny...I left.

Silent Screams

Everyday this woman I see,
giving her love endlessly,
while all he does is break her down,
and inside she screams silently without a sound.
She doesn't even realize her situation is severe,
until she starts living every day in fear.
Wondering every time she cries,
if it will be her last tear.
Then she reaches her breaking point,
and there's only two ways left to turn,
stay and die,
or live and learn.

Check Yourself

Reality check,
Reality check,
this is not a normal relationship.
He's got you stuck in his mentality,
time to face reality.
WAKE UP!
His truths are really fallacies.
WAKE THE FUCK UP!
Those flashbacks of happiness,
are not from your past life!
Just get up and leave this mess,
It won't make you look any less.
Why don't you fight for something worth the stress?
You still have an intelligent mind.
You still have a beautiful soul.
You still have legs, so get up and run,
before you're dead and cold.

Do What You have to do

Leave him, it's your time to shine,
he isn’t any good for you.
Leave him, he'll be the same, he'll never change,
so do what you have do.
You used to be so strong, where did it all go wrong?
Things are never what they seem,
just keep holding onto your dreams.
What made you fall in love with him?
You gave up everything because of him.
So what did he do for you?
Did he give up his single life?
Did he make you his wife?
No all he did was lie, and laughed when you cried.
All he did was cheat, brought shit home from the street.
All he did was take, never giving you a break.
All he did was beat you down, knocking you to the ground,
he treated you like a piece of dirt,
but don't you see your worth so much more than that?
You're so young, with your whole life ahead of you.
Don't wait for him to pull a gun,
just do what you have to do.
One Last Hit
Hit, Hit, Hit,
Hit her harder,
Spit and scar her,
Let's see how much farther,
You can bring her down.
Call her out her name some more,
Let her know she's a fuckin' whore,
Don't stop till' she's trembling on the floor,
Let's see how much more she can endure.
Yeah, tell her she's nothing,
Watch her soul crumbling,
The sight is almost humbling,
But still you keep fumbling.
Mentally she's above your level,
Her strength is that of a revolutionary rebel,
The difference is she walks w/God,
You walk with the devil
She reigns wearing God's triumphant medal.

Survival of the fit,
Hit,
Hit,
Pray.

Stay,
Leave,
Stay.

Eventually she will break,
And he better hope for his life's sake,
That she spares him of all the pain,
She's held inside.

Oh the beauty in just being alive.

Victory

It's so sad to see what you've done to me,
after I gave you everything, I loved you unconditionally,
and in return you crushed my dreams of us.
Your rage came so easily, disrespectfully,
but it's not that you gave up on me,
you just never believed in me at all.
Stringing me along, like another sad song,
or an old beaten up rag doll.
Giving me just enough, to keep me from giving up,
but too quickly I realized,
looking into my baby boy's eyes,
that I couldn't lose any more time.
I had no more tears to cry,
and I knew why so many before,
had to leave you and walk out the door,
see that's what your abuse does.
It was so bad I didn't know who I was,
I'll admit you almost broke me,
had me right where you wanted me to be,
but the love of the Lord set me free,
you see,
because he had other plans for me.

Demented Game

It would all be ok, if you'd just leave us alone.
I can't even stand the sound of your voice over the phone.
Don't you understand, you'll never be a man,
and if you think we take you serious,
then you must be delirious.
You claim to be educated,
but your perceptions and opinions are so jaded.
What a disgrace to mankind, humankind,
the kind that is never kind,
the kind that will never find peace of mind.
Can you even distinguish love from hate?
The so-called man who loves to hate,
lives to date and fornicate.
Like an animal you stalk your prey,
all our love you took away, threw away.
Do you ever get tired of living like you do?
Or are you comfortable with the demons that live
inside of you, controlling your moves, making you act a fool.
Not providing for your seeds, so full of greed,
Can't even give them what they need.
Just another day in your demented game.

A Prayer for My Baby

I thought everything was done,
between you and my son.
Then you knock at my door,
asking for a chance to see him once more?
Have you totally lost your mind?
Coming back after all this time.
Telling me you've changed,
that you're no longer insane,
insisting I'm the one to blame?
This struggle for my son leaves my soul sore,
I feel like we're at war, and I can't fight anymore.
I wish you'd disappear, right into thin air.
God please hear my cries,
spare my son of all his lies,
his devious ways,
his constantly getting high,
just to make it through the day.
Lord, please spare my little angel,
from all the hurt and pain,
his father could cause him,
if he gets his way.

Again

So you did it again,
this time to a sixteen year old,
I hear you blackened both her eyes,
probably made her feel real low.
Probably made her feel she wasn't worthy of your love.
If that's what you want to call it.
I call it how I see it.
Like that saying, "You are what you eat".
You're like a broken record that just won't stop.
Always looking for the next victim,
to get your rocks off.
Then to keep her,
you knock her up,
Love and beat her just enough,
until the day she locks you up,
you try to call her number,
but it's blocked up.
Damn, you really fucked up.
Again.

Time to Turn the Page

Finally I can have peace of mind,
I've escaped the thorny vines,
of your sick and twisted mind.
Now I do things by my time,
no more rushing myself to find time.
Never again will I ignore the signs.
Now I know your kind.
Enough is enough,
your time is up.
It's all about me,
I don't have time to wait and see,
what you'll do next,
Who's life you'll ruin next.
It's time to turn the page;
I've found my way out of your maze.
You thought it was endless,
as you thought was your life.

Alone

She makes her way,
Throughout the day,
moving with style and grace.
Intelligent mind,
the kind of mind,
a man wouldn't mind,
to get inside of.
Heart of gold filled with love,
beauty like a dove,
in flight,
but still she remains alone every night.
Visions of her past impair her sight,
scared of disappointment invading her life.
Isolated she will remain,
her pillow tear stained,
her heart in a cage,
some things never change.

Destiny in Motion

Trying to move on,
got to stay strong.
Everything happens for a reason.
Every obstacle put in front of me,
it was all meant to be.
It made me who I am,
and now I understand.
Nothing can stop me now,
I'm going to make it through somehow.
I've still got lives to touch,
some people still need my love.
I have a purpose here,
I can feel it,
my time is near.
I want to help them heal,
I want to help them learn to deal,
so that they too can feel,
like their purpose is real.

It's Not Over Yet

There was a day, a day I chose to stop dying in every way. A day I chose to live and learn. On this day I wrote a letter to him. A letter I'd planned to leave for him to read after I was gone. It was a letter telling him everything he never gave me a chance to say. The letter ended up working for me in a different way. It strengthened me when I had no one left to give me strength.
It made me remember who I was, who I am. I read it every day to myself until the day I left, and never gave it to him. To anyone in a physically, mentally, and or emotionally abusive relationship, to anyone suffering as
a victim of domestic violence...write your letter,
and read it until you become a survivor.

The Letter

Look, I'm writing about me, you can't stop this. You can no longer control my mind. You were controlling me through my feelings, but you're right. I have to stop living by my heart with you, and start using this intelligent mind of mine, which you refuse to hear.
You've taken it all, are you happy now? Are you proud that the one who would've done anything for you has no more to give because you've taken it all? Well, you cannot take my soul. You can't even come close enough to touch it, no one can accept for "our son", my son. I'm here to tell you, I'm here to take me back. You obviously couldn't accept me for me; you wanted to mold me into who you wanted me to be.
But a person, no matter if they are man or woman, at some point reaches a breaking point. If I don't take that control of my life back, I'm going to break right in half. I thought you were a beautiful person, but lately I feel I've reached you too late. You have so much on your shoulders from all your anger and pain, that you can't see the woman right in front of you could love you. But not if it's going to hurt me every day of my life. The criticism, yelling, name-calling, put-downs. Things you say that you know will hurt me so down deep inside that my soul cries and my heart bleeds. I am a good mother, worker, teacher, learner, lover, confidant, attention giver, shoulder to lean on, trustworthy, and the most FORGIVING person. But I cannot be quiet anymore. I am a person with views, opinions, strengths, ideas, and feelings, and just because you don't agree or feel the same way, doesn't mean I am wrong. I am not terrible. If one were to write down all the things you've called me, a person reading them would think I was the devil
himself. But I'm nowhere near that, so you are not always right. If I have no one else I have God. Jesus is my crutch, my teacher, my father, not you.
You've hurt me too much when all I've done is whatever you say, ask,demand. But I am saying what my mind feels now, it's not ok, and I don't deserve this. I cannot say how you truly feel about me, but the way you disrespect me and stomp me down to nothing, makes me feel you've never loved me at all. If you still think I'm still wrong about everything. If you still think I'm losing my mind, if you still think I handle everything the wrong way. If you still think I'm too slow, too lazy, too sloppy, too greedy,
too stupid, too idiotic, too much of a bitch, too much of a whore, too dependent, too tired, too smothering, too much of an inconvenience, too jealous, too nosey when it comes to you and your bitch! Then you don't know me or understand me, and probably never will. If I'm really all those things you say I am, how can you stand the sight of me? See after you put all those horrible things into my head, I really thought I was the most terrible person. But I'm not, and you know it.
So what was your purpose in breaking me? Did you think I would do or take anything from you for your love? So you let all your hurt out on me? Because I can't hurt anymore. I can't take it anymore. So if I cry it's because I have no other way to let all of this out, you won't let me...but guess what? That's the last time you'll hear the words, "You won't let me", come out of my mouth ever again, because you can't stop this!

Copyrighted
By: Sarah M. Ciarciuk
N.K.A. Sarah M. Rivera