Dreamed about She-who-shall-not-be-named. It was weird - she was white and blonde instead of amber-hued with dark hair. The whole environment reminded me of a shallow-water cluster of shipwrecks - every structure made from scavenged wooden ships’ masts. Light brown and earthy, but from far the whole place had a jagged, crystalline appearance, kind of like Superman’s fortress of solitude. She sat in her living room; I don’t remember our conversation, just the conclusion that I was going to drown myself. I leapt off her balcony into a tide pool. I lay there trying to breath in the water but every time I tried to push my face into the water, the water receded. She came running to pull me out, saying that she couldn’t be honest with me as long as her husband was around. Now that he was gone, she said she wanted to be with me but was terrified I was still the same person. There were only so many assurances I could give with spoken words. She went to go collect her things, and her husband appeared with two friends. They acted friendly, but I recognized their maneuver to put me into a corner to attack me. One guy swung but he telegraphed clumsily, giving me ample time to duck. He hit his friend instead, knocking out a bunch of teeth. Then he tried to kick me but I caught him by the ankle against my hip. I torqued his ankle inward, which took him off balance. He spun and fell over and I put all my weight into stomping him in the bladder. I turned toward her husband but he ran like a little bitch.
Then I woke up.
It's always hard waking up from dreams of her. Fuck's sake, it's been almost eight years. I can distance myself consciously from her all I want; but what is the universe trying to tell me by continually reintroducing her into my mind? I spent seven of those years with Danie, trying to learn humility; trying to be happy just being loved, but we had so little in common. I was never happy with her. Simply not being alone isn't worth the depression. I signed onto a dating website, but I can't help but wonder if I'm still just trying to find a surrogate She - someone with her qualities and physical characteristics. That is disgusting of me. But I'm tired of being alone. I don't want to just live. I want to be alive, and to build a life. I want more children. I want to be with a woman who centers and inspires me and for whom I can be the same winged anchor. With three-and-a-half billion women out there, there's got to be at least one other woman I share qualities, interests, and disdain for glaring misuse of language.