Please excuse any punctuation or grammar errors.
Also please view this blog as all over the place. Somewhat orderly but mostly disordered. The memories of my life are fractured and come and go. My memory in general has been affected to a large degree.
This post is fairly simple. I use these tablets to stop the feelings of anxiety, depression and low self worth. All I can say is that they work brilliantly. I believe they are among the most prescribed drugs in the world. I looked it up once but cannot remember the exact place they hold on the list. Most likely in the top ten. I didn't walk in blind to this mess. I knew the power of the tablets and I knew about the addiction and tolerance, I was already an experienced cocaine and amphetamines user at the time, along with whatever other drugs were there for the taking. Not weed though. Unless on Xanax etc. If I smoked weed I would have a panic attack or just panic in my mind about situations there likely to never happen. Such is the fight or flight mode.
An anxiety disorder is nuts. Your mind is on fire with fear and anticipation of upcoming events. Body feels ill and weak. Life is a fucking joke. Just navigating your way through a day let alone a week is crazy. 11% of people in the world have anxiety. Probably more since I checked the stats years ago. Such is our society...you just work until you wake up one day at 40 and realise you have completely wasted you entire life in an office. Here are some lyrics from the song "rest employed" by "The Stupendium"
"It's your first day at work, how've you settled in?
Shaken of the rigor mortis? Sorted out your pencil tin?
Welcome to our newest resident skeleton
What better heaven than a desk to spend forever in?"
Anyway I have wandered from the task at hand. Sleeping tablets, if you fight off the urge to sleep are exactly like benzos. I would say even better. For work I would plan out my day with my pills. Depending on what supply I had managed to get. I had not yet started ordering from dark web markets so supply was always an issue. The sleeping pills, lets call them sleepers or zimmos after the brand Zimovane (Zopiclone) which is what they are referred to on the "street".
When I say exactly like benzos they are actually a bit different. They have a really relaxing high. When the pill kicks in I feel my breath change. Cool air is now filling my lungs, anxiety is all but gone. That being said I still had to know when and what time to pop a pill. Planning ahead was essential to success. What was in the diary for the day was the mapping out of the pills. Meeting 3pm meant I would take a pill at 2.30pm and make sure I had not eaten in hours for maximum effects.
Trust me. If you have anxiety don't touch any of these pills, you will hopefully live to regret it!!! So that's the zimmos. A cool smooth ride with just enough tough of a high that they did not get in the way of day to day work tasks/targets/meetings etc.
Benzos. OK. Well firstly there are a lot of them.. People who take them will know what works best for them. Valium is good. Steady and long lasting. There is a bit more euphoria from the sleepers but ironically "the blues" they are called here due to the most popular colour pill the D10. This is 10mg of diazepam (Valium, Anxicalm etc). If you have never taken one it will calm you right down. If you suffer from anxiety it will just make you feel like a normal person, great and all of a sudden able to achieve hopes and dreams. It was actually Xanax that I took first. As I was saying they were hard to find at the time. The dark web markets were just the odd news article somewhere. Bitcoin was a known unknown. it was all too complicated to order from the Silk Road. My first Xanax opened up my eyes to the world. The fire of fear in my mind was gone, stubbed out like a cigarette. The grass was green the flowers somebody took the effort to plant below the hedgerow of the apartment block made sense. Sounds stupid fine, but after years of battling your way through life looking for answers, reading peer papers, searching the internet for a drug or the next miracle cure for Anxiety. I would go in and out of deep depressions and experience everything that comes with that! The horrific thought of just ending it all was ever present as I lay on the sofa drinking/drugging flicking endlessly through TV channels. Drink enough and it helps. Cocaine was brilliant...all drugs got you there. There was a connection to something. Extacy was well, freedom. It was never a party drug for me. It was a connection drug. I know people are reading this thinking "moron, all those drugs just added to the problem" and yes they did. They gave with one hand and took with the other.
Anyway, I realised right away the power of Xanax and would break the pill into small enough pieces till tolerance built up. I tried to stay away from Xanax as much as possible. The power is such that if your brother died you would say...hmm, he owed me money, won't get that now.
So I stuck with the sleepers and Valium. I careful to only use exactly what I needed. But without medical supervision it is a perilous recipe. But how could I stop? I was doing so well at work. Social interactions in work were now easy. I was now the funny person all my friends knew me to be but in work. I felt comfortable in my own skin and I was shinning. I was me, funny, charming, caring, productive. I was getting promotions. I had the brains and fearlessness to hand in my two weeks notice, with no other job lined up in order to get a pay rise. But of course I was using cocaine more and more. Never in work. But the pills enabled me to binge on booze and coke and get up Monday morning feeling dead inside until they kicked in. I never finished school and was drinking and selling hash, weed and ecstasy from 15 yeas of age. Now I was managing over 50 employees and 5 junior managers. I had the money to support myself, my drug addiction and any girlfriend that chose not to work. Most girlfriends would have a job but some chose to leave their jobs and I would support them financially. This was not due to them just being lazy and wanting not to work. I often encouraged it. At this point I had become someone else. Within a short amount of time I had everything I thought was necessary in life. I was a caring and loving person but when it came down to it I was selfish. I often tried to explain to new girlfriends that I was a selfish person. They did not understand as I was attentive and caring. But I only chose girlfriends that would allow me to do as I pleased.
I was doing enough drugs, especially the benzos and I thought I was an unstoppable force. I started sleeping around with other women. I would often tell my girlfriend that this was my intention. This way of thinking allowed me to feel as if what I was doing was ok. Some of the girlfriends would get involved with the other girls I was seeing. But I guess I can tell those stories another time. I apologise if my posts are all over the place. I am just writing what comes to mind.
Thank you for reading