To Hit or Not to Hit??

As I sit here and watch my daughter interact with her 3 year old son, I sometimes get frustrated. She pops him sometimes and while it's not abuse, it makes me wonder. How can we get upset when he turns around and wants to hit to get what he wants? Now don't get me wrong, I popped all three of my children when they were that age, but had I known then what I know about child development and sociology, I would have thought twice about disciplining my children that way. This then leads to a greater question... How can society get upset, frustrated, and/or angry at any human being when hitting and/or violence to solve our problems is a learned behavior. It's what we (society) have been introduced to and taught from a very early age. It's part of the global fabric that our nation's leaders continue to sew and weave. It's as if we (society) are in this viscous cycle that seems impossible to interrupt. We live in a world of violence.

I bring all this up not just because I am observing my grandson's child rearing by his mother, but because I am now an Assistant Principal and I have yet to hear a child sit across from me that can voice the value in working out their issues with other children diplomatically. This is very concerning for me. What they do tell me is that their parents tell them to defend themselves. Now this is both parties involved. Well, someone has to start it right? In their minds, the other person offended them in some way and so in order to solve the problem, someone had to get hit. Our youth never even consider working the issue out through mediation and it's amazing when parents and/or children refuse the mediation process (some have opted for suspension instead). What they (the children and parent that refuse the process) fail to realize is (if done correctly) it works 99% of the time.

Teaching our children (and ourselves) to effectively deal with emotions and be able to effectively communicate and work through anger and frustration is imperative if we (society) are going to at least begin to disrupt the cycle of violence. That process starts with those of us that are parents. Hitting, popping, spanking (essentially violence) is the easiest and quickest way to get anyone's attention, which is why I think we resort to it as much as many of us do. What I am learning in my position and as a grandparent is that teaching (which is what disciplining by definition is) is exhausting and time consuming. It takes much more time to take my 3 year old grandson and sit him down and talk him through why what he is doing is not okay and what the expectation is moving forward (yes a 3 year old understands). The same goes for the middle school students that I have to discipline on a daily basis. We go through an entire reflection process together. Now, don't get me wrong their are still consequences, but not without reflection, restoration, and forgiveness otherwise I am just punishing. And a punitive society, especially in the U.S., is what we live in. There isn't any teaching or restoration going on when a child or adult does something wrong. We just punish, punish, punish. Is it working? I think if it was we wouldn't have the highest incarceration rates in the world. Oh and our recidivism rate is through the roof also.

Just imagine, if we design programs in our schools and start to teach children how to manage their emotions in a healthy and effective way, what that would mean for the greater good. We could have children that grow up with better and stronger mental health; better and more effective communicators of their emotions; less likely to react and more likely to respond to frustrating situations; and just an all around more peaceful society.

Two days ago there was a road rage incident that led to a shooting at a nearby shopping center. About a month ago, I saw a driver let down his window and throw a bottle at someone's windshield because (I'm guessing) the driver of the other car moved over to the turning lane at the last minute. I, myself, have reacted instead of responded in the heat of the moment, but the more I practice working through this process with my students and now my grandson, the less I react and the more at peace I feel. Is reacting in our anger/frustration really worth losing our lives, taking a life, or physically and/or emotionally hurting someone? I am almost sure the shooter in that road rage incident is wishing he/she had made a different choice.

Ase.