It was hard for me to draw this and it was even harder to try and write a text for it. The drawing wasn't meant to be like this at all. I started with one thought: to draw a planet with black indian ink. But obviously my beloved subconscious had other things in mind.
As usual I started with a freehand sketch. It was supposed to be easy. But as soon as I began to put the water and the black ink on my paper, I felt I wanted to depict more than just a planet. Thoughts about a lonely spider on top of it started to come into my mind. Suddenly a feeling of sadness permeated my soul. I continued. I then remembered a dream catcher that I saw in a shop's window a week ago. I love dream catchers as I find them so cute, romantic and dreamy...
All of a sudden my idea of a planet turned into something else.... The Planet of Dreams. The one who sits alone on top of this planet, trapped in their brilliant mind, with all of their dreams, alone.What's the point of being so brilliant and having no one to talk to? Nobody understands me, I can't relate with anyone my age Utterly alone and sad and broken. While drawing I realized that in fact I was drawing... ME... the lonely child I used to be.
It was so odd as I started to cry while drawing and I stopped. It was too hard to sit with those feelings of sadness all of a sudden. And I remembered.... I remembered everything... I remembered how I was never included in the popular kid's group. How I was seen as the weird nerd. How I was not dressed pretty enough, how nobody wanted to sit with me in the first bench in school. Nobody! For years! Only when somebody wanted to cheat at a test I was fortunate enough to have a bench colleague as they took the answers from me... I remembered how kids made fun of me and laughed behind my back. I remembered how I just wanted to go home and not have anyone stare at me. I was the weird talented nerd that many kids did not understood. So I was mostly excluded. Teachers and a few fellow nerds were the best thing I could have then. If I wouldn't have had that... I can't imagine how I would have felt. It rarely happens to me to feel such emotions while painting... But maybe this is a sign that a personal growth program that I started almost 2 weeks ago is making me dig deeper than I thought I can...
Solitude on The Planet of Dreams depicts a lonely girl who has made an entire inner planet out of her dreams. And she sits alone there, transformed into a spider, a creature so undesirable by everybody. Isolated, alone and misunderstood, with her heart broken. The entire planet is transformed into a dream catcher and the small circles represent the many small dreams the girl has. The happiest thing she has left is the ribbons tied to her feet... I have left the area around her heart white, to suggest that even in the darkest times, there is a luminous and bright spot in one's heart which can pull them from the darkest corners.
If you take a closer look, you can see my own fingerprints in this drawing.
I've felt the urge to put them on this Planet as they added what it was needed: personality. This lonely girl was me. This is how I used to feel as a child. I realize now that because of her I can get triggered... She feels like this today... Only that I have grown and I realize that I can't change my childhood. And I can heal today and tell her that there is a whole colorful happy world outside of the Planet and she can step outside. I can tell her : look at you now, you've grown and you are pretty, you have a bucket load of talent and you deserve only love, respect and joy❤️
I have no idea why I felt the need to paint this and why even writing about it brings me tears into my eyes, but I do see how much I needed to see that it was her who often saw the reality for me and now, as I am healing, I realize that I can reassure her that dreams do come true and that not all people are there to do harm. Not all people are bullies and now I have the power to walk away from malicious people. I am no longer helpless, I am powerful and brave. I can also realize why I have picked the wrong people to be in my life while I pushed away better ones. Childhood patterns are strong and invisible forces which can shape your future. Your inner child can pull the strings unless you heal.
I wonder how many people are aware of what their inner child feels and how that child is responsible for a lot of their feelings and reactions in adulthoood. I wonder if you would have to draw the young you and dig deep, really deep, what would you discover? How would your Planet look like? Would you feel sad, would you cry, would you lie to yourself that you were oh so very happy?
I have listed this painting on the @nftshowroom. 1990 is the year of my birth. The year when this beautiful, talented, nerdy, goofy, dreamy, romantic, complex and unique woman was born❤️
https://nftshowroom.com/creativemary/gallery/creativemary_ink_solitude-on-the-planet-of-dreams
This painting was a real inner exploration for me and it helped me in my healing process.
Some pictures taken during the process
Those who flush trauma under the carpet hoping that it will never accumulate are those who end up having to always question themselves : why me? I believe that life is such a precious gift and that we deserve happiness and abundance. I want to spend my time only with people who love me, respect me, inspire me and teach me about good things. It is well worth the inner struggle to heal and to make better choices than to sit in denial and blame everyone else but yourself. We build our world with our thoughts❤️ And the bravest thing is to have the heart of an angel after demons scratched the doors of your soul, to have the power to forgive, to believe and to love again.
Have a great day and toodle loo!