Eurovision Form Guide - Every Song Reviewed.

So I've been know to partake in a little Eurovision from time to time. As part of the routine I do like to assess all of the songs so my friends know what to expect come Telecast time. Here are my thoughts on 2018's entries in order of performance.....

Oh and I'm Australian, so I'm allowed to a) comment on Eurovision because we are in it and b) be rude to every country.

Semi 1:

Azerbaijan – X my Heart – Starts slow, but you know the wind machine and tempo change is coming, and wait 35 seconds and there it is – I think it’s a song about a IT department, She tears down the firewalls – I assume by turning them off and back on again.

Iceland – It’s like a choirboy escaped from a glacier somewhere. He has fantastic diction, really obvious lyrics; too many are dying in vain. He reminds me a bit of Julian Lennon, I know I have saltwater welling in my eyes listening to this.

Albania – Mall – Probably not a song about Chadstone, but it’s hard to tell I don’t know the Albanian for Fashion Capital – anyway, he had a leather jacket and a forgettable ballad – he can sit next to the Icelandic dude on the Friday morning flight.

Belgium – A matter of time – The same way that Belgians are not quite French, this song is not quite interesting.

Czech Republic Lie to Me – I like this a lot, it’s fun, could be a killer on the night with the right performance.

Lithuania - When We’re old– you know that breathy nostalgic singing that’s in every airline ad – this exactly what this is – Not what I want in my Eurovision.

Israel – Toy – I can see why this is the hottest of hot favourites It’s like the love child of two of the 2015 entries. Rhythm Inside from Belgium and Bojana Stamenov’s (Serbia’s) Beauty, but way more high energy and catchy.

Belarus – Forever, this guy is young and cool, in the video he plays with a lighter, wears a leather jacket, plays vinyl records, but then wears a turtleneck and drinks a cup of tea, so he’s both dreamy and approachable. The song is okay, I predict mid pack in the final off a Soviet block vote.

Estonia – La Forza – This is the leading power ballad of the night, does nothing for me, but I hear Tallin is interesting should it win.

Bulgaria – Bones – Sadly not about David Boreanaz solving crimes. It’s non descript quiet dance beat rubbish – there better be a wind machine on the ‘Bones’ in the chorus or I’m flipping a table. Also ‘I love beyond the bones’ come on, you have to giggle at that lyric.

FYR of Macedonia –Lost & Found by Eye Cue, see that pun in the band name? That’s the best things about this entry – forgettable mid pack unlikely to make it out of the Semi

Croatia - Crazy – I would make a crazy Croatian joke, but I scared to. Anyway Renee Geyer did this shit better back in the 70’s – will the Salvic block get it through to the finals? – maybe.

Austria –– Nobody but you – Moody Boy ballad with a bit of a beat, we have seen this before with Hungry’s Running in 2014 (but we are running away from love in this entry instead of home because your stepdad is abusing you, hard to believe Hungry didn’t win with that happy theme) – Will make final. If people think he’s pretty it’ll go top 15.

*Greece *-Oniro Mou – If you aren’t a shirtless guy chanting Opa (2010) at me every ten seconds, I don’t care – Europe won’t either, won’t make the weekend, cue angry Greeks lady from Googlebox claiming they invented singing or some shit.

Finland – Monsters – this is actually okay, pretty generic dance stuff similar to Black Smoke from Germany in 2015, let’s hope it does better than that. Fun fact Aalto in Finnish means wave – the crowd should wave flags at her or something.

Armenia – Qami – No it’s not the new Cirque de Soliel – it’s just that moody guy from Eastern Europe that turns up every year, I’ve already forgotten this song and it isn’t even finished.

Switzerland – Stones – Protest songs are awesome, but your Switzerland, what do you do, you write a protest anthem about NOT throwing stones. Should have sung about their knives being really good or something.

Ireland – This is pretty typical Irish stuff, a Ronan Keating wannabee, this shit used to play well, it doesn’t anymore – look elsewhere for entertainment.

Cyprus – Fuego – I can see this working in the dance clubs or wherever it is young people go – it’s fourth favourite – I don’t think it’ll do quite that well, but top ten is likely.

Semi 2:

Norway – That’s how you write a song - Alexander Bybak (The dude with the fiddle that won in 2009) is back and he is going with a cutesy Pharrell type vibe, I wanted to hate this, but as it plays in my ears I can’t hate it, crap. On the plus side he understands steps much better than New kids on the Block ever did. Although I would argue it’s three steps not two, maybe he could sell the extra step to NKOTB for step by step and then they would have one, rather than a series of statements and questions.

Romania –Goodbye - She claims she’s lived a thousand times, I’ve heard this song about a thousand times before – it’s boring, it waits to the half way point to do the tempo change, and even then it’s not powerful, although best whispering since Will Presscott at the 2 minute20 mark; (whispered) Don’t cry. – want to hear it, you’ll have to watch the Semis (Also the award for most obscure joke goes to me, even Will Presscott himself doesn't get that joke, but I'm leaving it in, because, well I like to amuse myselg)

Serbia – Nova Deca - Oh traditional instrument, ballad in your own language, dude with a beard, ladies in ballgowns, a Dance beat that kicks in half way through, someone has been studying their Eurovision history, glad this is here, but it ain’t going to make it out of the Semi

San Marino – I’m not wasting my time watching San Marino, let’s assume it’s a boring ballad.

Denmark – Higher Ground – It’s like the Pirate from Dodgeball turned emo and entered Eurovision, a little bit Ruslana (Ukraine 2004), but far less energetic and interesting – We are not going to Copenhagen in 2019.

Russia – I Won’t Break – this is another generic female power ballad, we see these every year, they never win, This won’t break the trend.

Moldova – My Lucky Day – Is that a Sax or an oboe? it’s hard to know, but all I know is it reminds me on the best Moldovian’s ever – the Sunstroke Project (2010 and 2017) and therefore I have a soft spot for this. I’m predicting a win based on the Leonnardo Di Capario theory of ‘the body of work from Moldova involving a brass section is overwhelming, it's probably doesn't deserve it by itself, but let's do it anyway. Also has just a (huge) hint of Ove je Balkan (Serbia 2010) in the chorus. A lot to like here.

Netherlands – Outlaw – you know how great the Common Linnetts where in back in 2014 with Calm after the storm? Well the dude, Waylon is back and he’s got the best Nashville twang since Cameron Daddo – I love this, Europe probably won’t.

Australia – We got love – it’s like a rerun of Dami (2016) and Isiah (2017), slow intro, building drums, But this is more Isiah (boring), unlike Dami the chorus really doesn’t get there. Maybe she can kill it on the night, but I doubt it, may not get out of the Semis.

Georgia – For you – Like Il Divo, but not attractive, or in English, or entertaining, they have a lot of vests though.

Poland – Light me up – what if you can’t afford the guy from the Common Linnets, well you have cut price Waylon, this is him, can book his flight home after the Semis, buy a non-flexi fare now, you won’t need to change it.

Malta – Taboo The video is Mad Max meets Hunger Games – the song is mid pack nothingness, although does contain the line ‘Bricks and Bones will break my soul’ which might be the most profound statement ever or might be complete nonsense, I can’t tell which.

Hungry – Viszlat Nyar – You know how each year there is always a ‘we’re a genuine rock band’ that never wins? This is this year’s.

Latvia – Funny Girl – This is not bad for a non-descript female ballad with a string section, but this is Eurovision, this isn’t winning anything.

Sweden – Dance you off– this is catchy in a Bruno mars, 80’s dance sort of way – given the power of the Scandi block (which Australia is in for reasons I don't really get, other than we all want to be scandinavian) this will go top 5

Montenegro – Inje – This is the guy who we are meant to appreciate for his operatic training, but you spend the whole song wondering if he is singing in English and think ‘I wonder who’s coming up next?’

Slovenia –Hvala Nel – unfortunately it’s this - like a computer game has malfunctioned somewhere – I might have a stroke.

Ukraine – Under the Ladder – This is either a song about being unlucky or this guy is a perv, either way it’s forgettable.

And the Big 5 and Host nation.

Spain – Tu Cancion – A duet, and there aren’t enough for them, but it’s a ballad in Spanish – yeah this is going nowhere.

France – Madame Monsieur – You aren’t Moustache (2014) so I don’t care, of course it’s in French, I think they say my name is thanks which doesn’t make any sense. they really are just taking the piss, I'm sure they have disdain for Eurovision and find it derivative.

Italy – Non Mi avete Fatto Niente – it’s interesting, it about stopping terrorism, nice sentiment, but in Italian it’s not going to win.

UK – Storm – A poor man’s pink, like living on the streets poor. Why do you bother UK?

Germany – Not since Lena (2010 version, not 2011 Sandcastles in the Sand Lena) has a German been so likeable – this is like Matt Corby (of Brother fame) has packed his bags (maybe outrunning his angry brother) and landed in Germany, maybe top ten at a pinch.

Portugal – O Jardim - Another female ballad, another forgettable song – no one goes back to back anyway, no point trying.