exhaustion and ground signs

Over the last forty eight hours I’ve been feeling mentally exhausted, like a looping record that’s getting caught on a scratch and looping back around, I made a point of not writing or blogging this morning until I had slept in, I wanted to sleep in, I did not want to be commanded by the computer.

This month has been quite the sprint but in the last two weeks I’ve been burning the candle at both ends and then on friday I’m not sure why but I just happened to notice a series of world events that came together like this massive calamity.

I realise this is life and these things happen on a daily basis, that’s just the order and chaos of the universe, does not mean that I don’t feel it. sometimes that completely derails me and for the last forty eight hours that’s how it’s been.

It’s hard to really put it into words but it’s a very dark and lonely exhaustion looping place where you scrabble for the familiar and it’s like trying to climb up a greasy tube to get out of it, it just feels impossible, like looking up towards the light but with no hope in sight or mechanism to get there.

I’ve tried to multitask a multitude of running strands this week and it’s kicked me in the butt each time because I have these background processes running — birthday, rent, car, moving van, flights, daily content, rinse and repeat, it just got all a bit much. It’s still a lot and I’ve just started to really feel it.

whenever I feel like this is kinda puts me in a tailspin because then I start to re-evaluate everything around me, relationships, what I’m working on, where I’m heading too, am I missing the point, do I have my plans in the right order and ultimately back to feeling that I’m wasting time and free time has a cost — blockchains are making me realise that more and more.

It’s probably gonna be the topic of the vlog today and it’s probably gonna be a hard vlog to do plus I’ve gotta do the top10 for steemhunt too — ya see, it’s like my schedule is already mapped out, I’ve got no time to have feelings or emotions about it.

Just keep plugging away.

I know a lot of it is just sleep, I need to get more sleep in, I had been running up 17/18 days without giving myself the proper REM sleep time for a start, that’s never gonna be a good place to approach things from and I know this week is about to get super manic too what with events happening and me needing to make sure car is ready to move with the van.

overwhelmed.

The linear approach of getting up, writing a post to @dayleeo just started to see like Groundhog Day with nothing really changing from the day before apart from the date and the day, the setup was the same, the task and chores stepping through — don’t get me wrong here. That’s life, I get it, but I was slowly doing it from a less sleep monotone get up and step through.

I don’t like that, it get’s old real quick and then your just existing and not living, your not out there in the world doing what you could be taking part in, moving things forward that you have actual opinions about instead getting caught up in the web of distraction economy and the comfort of the barrage of content that we do our best to balance out everyday.

right now I need to stand up, get my pots done, empty the trash, take a walk to the shops and then get back and start fresh, start from a mental clean slate and when I feel a little bit exhausted take a nap, I need to approach this week from a totally different angle and get all the ‘ducks’ in a row ;)

When my brain is like this it’s like part of my communication centre shuts down, like my brain firewall is still trying to compute outcomes like the little supercomputer it is — trying to predict and number crunch which then effects the social side, the speaking centres, my mind is busy just running and tiring me out in the process.

You start to add in that ground sign feeling of reading too much news daily (I really need to cut it out) and then you start trying to build in opinions and outcomes on things you simply never will have any input or control over, you can’t just keep dodging and weaving just to get to a goal of relative safety in your mind because the global goalposts are moving.

But we do need to do US today, mentally, physically, we can be a better version of ourselves today, one that is in the moment and not distracted by the overwhelming barrage of choice of what we think we should be doing or where we should be at — maybe we won’t have time and I have to be happy in that too.

So yeah, that’s me at the moment fellow steemians, just trying to patch up all the out of data firmwares in the brain centre and trying to reboot.