Boned If You Do, Boned If You Don't -- Expectations From A Blackhole

Being an adult sucks, and I'm not the only one that knows that. What makes it worse is when people, especially those close to you, decide to let you know that your decisions aren't good for you. It's bad enough second guessing your decisions. You don't need that condescension.

I'm not only a wife, but the oldest of eight to the oldest son of a very prominent, religiously and politically involved family. With that in mind, you should already have a pretty good idea of what I mean by expectations, but let me explain. Let's start at the beginning, shall we? My ancestors, from almost all branches of the family, were religious pioneers that helped settle areas in Utah, Idaho, and most recognizably, Arizona. Not only did they help settle the valley, but there's still a freaking street, building, park, and other parts of downtown named after my ancestors. The Stapley and Randall families have been prominent in the area, helping build businesses, buying land for crops, as well as providing property for their church to build a temple. Not a lot of families inhabited Arizona until the barren desert seemed a bit more inhabitable, so many grew to know the Stapley family real well. Needless to say, many people knew me just because of my grandparents and father.

I'm not complaining about my ancestors. In fact, one of my ancestors is a hero of mine. He did many things and helped a lot of people, and I aspire to be exactly like that. Ironically, however, my being related to that family is the reason why it's so difficult. With my family so involved in politics, community, and religion, there are already preconceived ideas of how I'm to live my life, especially after being born the oldest. I've heard that being the oldest is a tough job. I'm envious of my husband, who managed to be the youngest of eight (big difference, let me tell you).

Expectations from a blackhole? Haha . . . interesting phrase, right? Ever experienced trying to do something right, or for yourself, and you just end up disappointing people no matter what? Too often have I witnessed, first hand, what that's like to continually disappoint and seem to be sucked into a blackhole. High school, senior year, it didn't matter that I took on a full schedule with four honors or intense classes, including Anatomy & Physiology, Physics, Honors English, and AP Calculus. My dad didn't care that it was a bit much for me. He wasn't happy when I transitioned to regular English for the second semester, and was absolutely livid when I had a C- in AP Calculus. Want to know the stupid thing? I only took the AP part so that I could take the test and get college credits. That didn't even happen. I had a hard time understanding some of the criteria, my teacher sucked at tutoring, and my dad never helped (even though he knew it). Even after spending extra time at school and redoing tests, I only managed to get a C in the class. My dad's reaction? He asked if I was actually trying. I told him it was the best I could do. His response? "Get out of my sight. I don't want to see you." That was a devastating blow on my self-confidence (which already sucked).

First semester of college, I didn't have enough time to take classes full-time. My dad had already gotten me working three jobs at a time, and in order for him to cover my classes, I had to take at least four classes. Eventually, I couldn't handle that workload, but did my dad care? Not at all. I lost a job, and failed a couple of classes, which he made me pay him back for.

Skip forward four years and I'm married to my best friend (six months now), working for a Law Firm as a credit repair paralegal, with amazing benefits. The only issue with the job are the people I have to deal with on the phones. It's a typical customer service job, but this empath can't handle the bad vibes and keeps having to stay home, being sick a lot. So what do we do? The husband does some math and decides that I can quit my job. Do I hesitate? Just a little, but after asking questions, I decide to go ahead and quit and be a stay-at-home wife. The only requirement from my husband is to work on my Animation and Graphical Design, as well as check out and use SteemIt.

I can't tell you how much better our life has been since I quit my job. Yes, finances are a little tight, and being stuck at the apartment isn't all that fun, but I don't have to deal with dumb people on the phone, and the stress is mostly gone. In fact, I was so happy and excited about it that I told some of my family, including my mom. Her reaction? Disappointed and a little livid. At least I think so. It may have been that she's jealous because she had to go back to work and school after my dad got let go around the same time the economy crashed. I mean, I understand her perspective and situation, but please don't rain on my parade. I've had that enough times.

I was talking to my husband and joked that maybe the only way to not disappoint my parents is to have a kid . . . that's not happening for a while. I'd like to be financially stable before starting a family, whether it pisses off my parents or not.

So, I didn't mean to rant, but sometimes you've got to just let it all out. Thanks, if you read my post.