I went to see U2 on tour in Manchester, UK in my twenties. I have no idea if they're white hats, despite their professions of faith... Part of the fun of all this is finding out at some point who was in big G's plan for you and why, and who you learnt from when they were playing for the other team, but the experience was worked for your good, no?
A couple of songs from the album All That You Can't Leave Behind struck a chord...
The one that resonated most was Walk On...
"And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing....
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind
And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong
Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight
You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom
Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it, can't buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight
And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Home, hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home, I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is
I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
All that you scheme."
I wanted things out of life. I wanted family, home, love... Tried to get my versions of them, my way.
Family, it turns out, according to the manual, was highly likely to cause me trouble.
New International Version - Mark 6v4...
Jesus said to them, "A prophet is not without honor except in his own town, among his relatives and in his own home."
So... When you're given a prophecy on your life which includes...
Joel 2:28 "And afterward,
I will pour out my Spirit on all people.
Your sons and daughters will prophesy,
your old men will dream dreams,
your young men will see visions."
...amongst other things... Uh oh! it should be obvious that there's going to be friction... and there was.
I went looking for family. Looked in churches, university, online, a huge variety of interest groups... everywhere I went, it felt like I had to hide or deny one part of myself or another to be acceptable. I have never fit in.
I've been homeless, lived on sofas, floors, hostel... am a refugee now, too, technically... I have never had a 'home'.
Love isn't what I thought it was. I looked for familiar pain, desire, admiration... Couldn't recognise real love it when I saw it.
Had to learn the hard way, love isn't sweet words, sex, or being enabled to do things that will hurt you. It doesn't mean that you don't get questioned... especially about how you're planning on doing better when you fail and need to try again.
Big G has intervened in my life. Over and over. I've insulted Him and I've asked for it to be more challenging... Really stupid!
He's said versions of 'would you like to take a moment to think about that?' many times...
...
Love... is not the easy thing... the only baggage you can bring... Is all that you can't leave behind... (to go through the narrow path/gate) and it's what [they] can't deny, sell or buy, steal or feel...
[They] don't have it. We do.
1 John 4v7-12
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us."
[They] hate it because it drives out fear, their favourite type of energy... and makes us difficult to control.
...
It's not that family, home and love were bad things to want... They're actually what He offered and wants for me... but my methods were awful, and my idea of what they look like were nothing like His.
Family... aren't who I thought they were... and I'm hoping I'll be adopted...
Home... is not 'where the hurt is'... it's where there is no more pain.
Love... I ask to understand deeper, be better, and put in everything I do.
...
I realise some of the ways I'm being asked to let go and have faith... they get increasingly challenging...