Life of a Step Parent (part 1)

As with many of us, life is not always how we pictured or expected.

I am also in that boat. I was married at a pretty young age. I had two daughters by the age of 23. I did not appreciate all the opportunities that where in my lap for me to explore. This in turn had made me a pretty selfish person and drove others away. Needless to say my marriage ended in divorce a few years later.

Taking a journey through life on my own, with two little girls, forcefully made me start thinking about life. Where did I want to live? Who did I want to be? I had lost so much of myself through the separation and hate that I forgot what path I wanted to be on.

Taking a long look at what I needed to be for my children to succeed quickly made up my mind. I put myself through college, juggling a bunch of things. Being overwhelmed almost every day, saying things like, "Man, I really messed up along the way. Can I really do this? Are my kids going to hate me because of the time I am taking to educate myself?" Turns out the answer is yes I can do absolutely anything I put my soul into. They did not hate me for this and actually looked up to me. I was the first female in my family to graduate college. This gave me true momentum. I have given everything I have to build an empire for them. Taking any negative feeling and turning it into energy to succeed more.

In the process I met my amazing husband. He too went through a rough separation. He could relate to my drive and energy to succeed. He also had a daughter. Now in my head I thought "what a wonderful idea to be able to be a whole family again." Granted my daughters are teenagers and his was quickly approaching adolescences herself, I thought what a better way to get through the challenges ahead but with a full support system. Well, that did not go quiet as planned. The kids were being shy and not interacting very much. They did not say their grievances at the time so I just brushed it off as a power struggle with a touch of jealousy. Again I was terribly wrong. Years had gone by. Finally I said one day what is going on here. I've noticed a bunch of tension and weird behavior. Then asked the kids what is bothering you. I was hit with things like: I don't want to talk about it, to I do not like them, and finally I do not know why I feel this way. Anytime I went to dive a little deeper I was hit by roadblocks left and right.

Then there was a night when we had a glimmer of context. People at school could not understand why she had a different last name then me. She was tired of trying to explain why her dad does not talk to her. Apparently they too (her peers) have the dream of a perfect life. They also do not take into consideration that the dream can quickly turn into something unexpected. There was nothing I could reasonably think of to say. I apologized but had no way to turn it around. I felt heartbroken for her. Her embarrassment that I caused years ago. Never knowing how it would have effected her. Could I have really of changed the outcome? Maybe, but maybe not.

How would you have handled the situation with your teenager?

Comment and let me know. I look forward to seeing some new insight. I will continue part 2 with the challenges faced from a father's perspective.