There are some passages here that are incredibly well crafted. The metaphors you invoke are vivid and certainly pull the reader in. I wonder though if they story and the characters might be a little more powerful if you used these metaphors and description of the night a little more sparingly? The world you present here is in full HD but the characters and plot feels light in comparison. I imagine this will change with the second instalment, which I look forward to. Thanks for sharing this!
RE: AN ORDINARY NIGHT: PART ONE
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AN ORDINARY NIGHT: PART ONE
It was deliberate. I am always experimenting with my prose. I mixed poetic elements into the scene description, then I made sure that the frog, crickets, the night itself become characters in the story. So do not read the frog, the music, the moon and stars as scene props, read them as characters in the story.
I am trying to show how much of our activities affect our environment at the most basic level while a story unfolds before you.
The human characters are faceless I want to give the impression of strangers meeting each other. A name brings familiarity. You the reader will think that because you know the name then the character knows the name also. I wanted that shadowy element. It is night after all, darkness shrouds all.
I am glad you liked it and thank you for your criticisms. If you are not satisfied with my explanation and you know a better way, I am willing to learn.
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Thanks for describing the experiment and the intentionality of how you opened the story. I like the idea of tilting focus to the environment and it’s role in shaping our experiences. I’ve always liked pathetic fallacy in the imperative mode but perhaps that is a method for an anthropogenic world order, giving agency back to nature is timely. I would never suggest I know a better way, that’s the great thing about writing, there are so many different ways to go about doing it. Look forward to the next one and I will be sure to check out your other posts.
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Yeah that's the plan. Let's see if we can get something out of nature for a change besides being the most popular prop in a work of fiction. Pathetic fallacy will bring out the reality in the rest part of the story.
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