'There there, never mind,' say Grannies world over.

Motivational speaker Lauren Buchanan was giving a talk at the monthly meeting of the “Ladies of Leisure” Coffee club. Her aim she told us was to help us face and overcome negative thinking.

‘Most of us at one time or another, probably when we’re overtired and overworked,’ she said, ‘have felt darkness haunting us and threatening to overtake us. My advice from years of experience is,
DUCK and RUN.
Do not allow the dark cloud of depression settle on your shoulders.'

As we laughed I recognised the truth of this injunction. Just lately I was allowing negative feelings to overwhelm me. Smiling wryly to myself I wondered if I should wear my running shoes permanently!
Several other women in the audience were nodding and smiling. She had skillfully helped everyone feel a bit better two minutes into her presentation.

‘There are other seemingly trite sayings that have hidden depths,’ Lauren went on. ‘My granny Vi still comforts my 3 year old with a hug and a “there, there, never mind,” when her cousin throws a tantrum and breaks her castle in the sand pit. What “never mind” actually means is not to allow her mind to care too much about things that have come to pass.

We often allow things to get under our skins and fester away until they build up into monsters that have unrealistic proportions,’ she continued.

I thought longingly of my granny Ada who would wrap me in her “poorly shawl” when I was miserable, hug me and give me a sweet cup of tea. She too would mumble “there there my precious girl, all better now.” She believed utterly in the healing power of hugs, kind words and tea.

Once in the middle of the night when someone “dinged” my car on the way home from a party in my university days I woke her in tears. She put on the kettle and “tongue in cheek” she wound me in the “poorly shawl” and said sincerely, “thank God for insurance.”
We felt especially close that night as we laughed and sipped hot sweet tea.

Lauren went on, ‘another saying is, “you can’t prevent crows from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from making nests in your hair.”
‘All very meaningless,’ I thought, ‘when my ship is actually sinking. No matter how many cups of tea and hugs or silly laughs could disguise the fact that Nev and I were floundering and by tomorrow I suspected he would have moved out. Just before our 29th anniversary too,’ I contemplated miserably.

‘Learn to live in the moment,’ continued Lauren and at that point I gathered my jacket off the back of my chair and my latest Guess hand bag. With a murmured excuse to Fiona sitting next to me, which she wasn’t meant to hear properly anyway, I slipped out through the swing doors at the back of the room.

Strangely enough I did actually ‘live in the moment’ as I felt the glorious sun, on this crisp winter’s day, caress my hair and shoulders.
It couldn’t last however.
I shuddered with misery and Lauren’s words shivered in my head. ‘Is this a crow making its nest in my hair? Aaaaargh I’m simply not handling any of this well.’

My dread intensified when Nev came home and instead of parking his car in the garage for the night, he left it standing on the drive way.
He looked pale and quite gaunt with deep grooves putting his mouth in parenthesis.

‘We have to talk………now,’ he said tersely.

I braced myself. I looked at the man I had fallen in love with in my Matric year when his family moved into town….and he with me. I wished with all my heart that I could freeze time and not hear what he was about to say.
Frequent late evenings at the office and his preoccupation with work on his computer meant our intimacy had dwindled almost entirely. I wanted to cradle his head to my bosom and wrap him up in my granny’s “poorly shawl” – he had looked really off colour for months – and hope that hugs and sweet tea would make him feel better.

There was nothing I could do. I simply waited for the axe to fall.

We sat, or at least I did in our lounge with the view down the manicured lawn to the pool. He bounced up to pace in an agitated manner, almost wearing a path in the pile of the luxurious carpet. Back and forth, back and forth he went until I wanted to scream.

‘I hardly know where to begin or how to tell you Mandy, ‘he said.

‘Just do it,’ I replied quietly. By now tears were trembling on my lower eyelids.
He didn’t notice as he gnawed away at his knuckles.

‘You know how much you have meant to me all these years and I appreciate how much we have invested and the sacrifices we have made to have all this…’ He waved his hands around the immaculate and beautiful room that we barely ever sat in.’ He shook his head in despair. ‘Oh I’ve never wanted to hurt you but…………………I simply cannot go on.’

Without meeting my eyes which were overflowing by this time, he gulped and said, ‘all this overtime, I’m dying inch by inch. In short Mandy………….’
‘Here it comes,’ I thought.

‘I’ve resigned!

I want us to sell all this and move to our plot in the country, build an open plan simple home. Take our dogs, grow broccoli, collect speckled eggs from our own chickens and make jam from our fruit trees.’

Finally he looked at me and looking shocked he said, ‘it’s too much for you isn’t it? I knew it would be. You have your aerobics, your bridge friends and your coffee club. I knew it would break your heart and I’ve had sleepless nights worrying about you, about us…………..Are you….. crying Mandy?’

I sniffed with relief as a deep sense of joy began washing away the bird nests in my hair and I began to revel in the deep pleasure of the moment. We were going to pursue something I had been praying about and longing for over some months.
‘A cuppa hot sweet tea, a huge hug and a call to the estate agent to put this house on the market, is what is needed here,’ I said laughing and embracing him until he joined in. ‘If I look in my top cupboard I might even find my granny Ada’s “poorly shawl” to wrap us in. She would have hugged both of us and said, "there there, never mind".

There was a lot of talking over one another as we babbled and exclaimed and let the tension each of us had been nurturing, go.
Then he was shocked when I thought he was having an affair ......and what did I think of getting our power off solar panels, and of course I wouldn’t miss the bridge bickering ladies and how he had a simple plan for an easy to clean house with nooks and sun capturing crannies and at least one more rescue dog.

The words tumbled out sweeping away the misery and tension of almost a year.

‘Here’s to Lauren,’ Nev looked quizzical but raised his glass obligingly, ‘ here’s to living in this moment and believing with all our hearts that a new beginning will bring a totally revamped and relaxed way of living.’

‘New life,’ I said and clinked my glass against his, ‘simple life,’ he added and we sipped and toasted our glowing future.
The dogs barked and ran in silly circles trying to catch their tails.

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They too had caught the joy of the moment.

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