Problems Clarity. Part 1

He sat at the kitchen table rolling a cigarette waiting on the codeine to kick in. It was early evening, he had only awoken two hours earlier to complete his normal ritual of shaking off the hangover. Wake, drink juice and water in greedy gulps, shit, shower, shit again, brush teeth, drink more water, pop prescription pain medication, smoke, drink coffee, wait. Steph would be home soon. Head full of sighs eager for the ritual of listen and nod. ‘You their screwing him right now, right?’ Problem had been silent since he had crawled out of bed but he was oddly comforted as well as annoyed by the voice in his mind. ‘I know’ Levi sent back indifferently. It chuckled ‘Right now she’s got one leg up on the shelf in the walk in freezer, head crushed into boxes and he’s just diligently ploughing away from behind, balls seesawing to and fro over the boxes of chicken breast. Here have a look.’

At that the image crashed into Levi's head of Steph’s manager Aaron, bare assed working at thrusting viciously, NEXT trousers around his ankles with button up shirt tucked under his chin, facial expression scowling, mouth partially open with teeth bared in a complete expression of a man in frantic undefinable pain or trying to squeeze out an incredibly troublesome shit. Steph had her black waitress skirt up around her midsection and panties halfway down her legs. She was biting her lower lip, doing her usual poor rendition of what she believed to be porn star grace and confidence while trying to look back at Aaron. Dark hair hanging to one side unsuccessfully keeping her head from smacking into the pile of boxes she was supporting herself on awkwardly. ‘Stop that shit Problem’ Levi snapped. He could see why Problem had found it comical but he always found unbidden images irritating.

Problem had gotten the name because during Levi’s childhood it was all the separate creature in his mind seemed to cause, though he couldn’t remember when he started calling it Problem. It had been with him since as far back as his memory would serve but unlike songs or thoughts Problem could be in the next room, in his ear, outside of his head, or in his mind speaking clearly. Its favourite thing to do was to send him images both in his mind and sometimes overriding his field of vision. The images could be horrifying or other times beautiful but the one thing that was always a constant was that they were events happening or that had happened. Problem’s intent was more often than not sinister but Levi had never genuinely felt guilt for this or felt confused by the absence of guilt when he complied with its intent.

When he was a teenager the courts had sectioned him, after he had hospitalized one of his classmates by squirting a whole bottle of eye drops containing Tetrahydrozoline into his Coke sending the boy into convulsions and almost killing him. When the boy had tried to stand up at the end of lunch and instead fell to the floor writhing; Levi had watched not feeling anything else but curiosity and mild satisfaction. Problem had told him to steal the bottle from his foster mother’s makeup table and though he felt anxious, he had listened. Problem had bombarded his mind with images of the boy holding down a small Chihuahua trying to break the vertebrae in its tail, then more of the boy kicking it while it cried in a high pitched scream and tried to run away. In the image the boy was laughing hysterically chasing it around what appeared to be an empty garage. Levi couldn’t even remember the boy’s name now, though he thinks once he might have.

He was only twelve when he did this and when asked by the police why he had poisoned his classmate he said the voice in his head told him to and then explained why he’d listened. After four years in and out of psychiatric units and being prescribed a myriad of psychotropic medications he’d stopped mentioning the thing in his mind and began trying to manage it. Mask his intent from it, ignore it, argue with it, and sometimes listen to it. Levi had managed to be successful half of the time at these endeavours. But he had no doubt that the girl who thought he was named Daniel that he had been dating for three months, was currently getting awkwardly banged in a cold freezer while he sat in her one bedroom flat at her kitchen table waiting on her to get home. And as usual the thing in his mind called Problem found all of this highly amusing.

He sat smoking a roll up cigarette absorbing the stillness of the flat. Steph’s statement of defiance to her parents was her state of existence. The low rent flat in a rough area of Winton, the waitressing job at an Italian chain restaurant, the many men brought into bed, the binge drinking, and occasional forays into class A narcotic usage. The expensive rug, corona tables bought new, mac book laptop, expensive guitar and flat screen television all told of outside funding from parents. He could follow her tracks back in time from the little girl feeling confusion and unexplainable shame and resentment in her mind while listening to her parents in the next room mid coitus. He could follow the tracks of abandonment induced anger and need into adolescence; to the discovery of masturbation and the dumb compliance of males who seemed to be driven by the same mechanisms. Then to young womanhood and the realization of her beauty and its uses; which fostered a belief she had perfected control through willing cessation of remorse aided by the anesthetic of adoration.

Where he was sitting he could see himself in the full length mirror on the back of the front door. Blonde short cropped hair with high cheek bones and a lean build, his nose suggested Jewish or Italian ancestry but he didn’t know. He could barely remember his mother and had no clue who his father might have been. He knew at thirty two years of age genetics were being kind to him, especially given his lifestyle of excessive drinking and smoking. His teeth were straight and he knew he could affect a kind smile that often made him seem boyish and he used as often as possible when disarming people. Problem broke him from his daydreaming ‘Ooooh this is cute. At the moment she’s in the loo finding out yet again that wet wipes are a poor excuse for a scalding hot shower.’ Problem cackled in delight. He began to laugh hysterically now. Levi sighed, the opioids had begun to take effect and the feeling of having his emotional state wrapped in down was seeping in. His normal irritability felt duvet wrapped which made ignoring the cackling vulgarity easy. He needed to be more animated in a couple of hours time and the drugs would help with that.

He stood up and switched off his phone then went to the bedroom, made the bed and cleaned up his belongings that were laying around the room. He then then stuffed them into his ruck sack and shoved the bag under the bed. With that done he then went to where a large set of keys were hanging on a peg by the front door and took the one to the flat off the set. ‘Why might I ask?’ Problem sent. Levi had learned a very long time ago how to mask his intent from Problem but Problem was never fond of it. Hidden intent had brought them into conflict before and had almost killed Levi but afterwards Problem had ceased his tantrum and allowed him the privacy of his own thoughts and intentions. The conflict had been a draw.

‘She needs to think I’ve left’ Levi sent in his mind. ‘She will be coming in the door sore crotched trying to shake the dirty feelings that have proceeded every sexual encounter since disposing of her hymeneal inconvenience. She’ll also be attempting to suppress a fuck ton of guilt and self loathing. If I’m sat there when she arrives in the door it seems to her that my devotion is secure, which will lead her to feel more wretched. She’ll need to feel vindicated, which in turn will lead her to begin to look for controversy where I can be perceived as guilty of some sort of wrong doing. That kinda tantrum can affect our control here. I have no urge to be the dumping ground for her unabated narcissism until it’s productive. If she feels abandoned panicked guilt she’ll believe I know something I shouldn’t and that I’ve left, which then will lead to a wave of relief when I walk back through the door.’ Problem was silent for a moment ‘What if she looks under the bed dumbass? Or notices the key?’

Levi sighed and rather than waste time articulating a response he imagined sequenced imagery of Steph walking in the door calling out that she was home, hearing no response, going to the bedroom seeing none of his possessions, then the bathroom seeing no toiletries, then the kitchen to pour and gulp on a glass of red wine while attempting to call him saturated in panic. He brought the sound of his voice mail into the sequence of events and her trying not to sound distressed as she said she had just gotten home and was checking when he was going to get back. As he made his way down the stairs and onto the high street he felt Problem watching it all play out.

‘Clever.’ The things sent with a tinge of being mildly impressed. ‘Not if I’m back any later than ten minutes after her arrival. Otherwise the crying victim will see the opening the sense of abandonment has made and then she’ll call Aaron who then has a very real chance of showing up on the front door. That's exactly what could lead to a destabilizing awkward interaction that could ruin everything we’re doing here.’ He felt Problem absorb all this as he made his way down the street. He loved the smell of autumn evenings combined with the gentle wind. This alongside the opioid warmth he was feeling brought a smile of contentment to his face. He checked his balance at the cash machine outside of Waitrose and saw he was down to nineteen hundred and forty two pounds. His current plan had him out the South West in two months and he knew that it would be a close shave with the funds he had. Steph was a spoiled rich child in adult form. Bottles of wine, meals out, and days out would swiftly begin to bleed his current holdings. He felt the niggle of impatience begin in the form of a clear urge to get back to not just financial safety, or the safety of those he relied on, but just a sense of safety in general.

‘You make a shit Mephistopheles Problem. Lotto numbers or at least the odd winning horse would be helpful.’ Levi sent, as he grabbed a basket and aimed for the wine aisle. ‘Hell hath no limits nor is it circumscribed In one self place; for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is, there we must ever be. If Hell is uncertainty, then live with the uncertainty cock knuckle.’ Problem shot back. He felt annoyance in Problem which made him smirk. It was an unfair quip by Levi, given how often he had rinsed black jack and poker tables in London Casinos with the aid of Problem. He didn’t quite comprehend greed in his more often than not dry emotional landscape. Necessity he could see and feel, often more acutely than others but monetary greed was incredibly useful to see in others and completely unknown otherwise. The dig was centered around the fact that Problem had limitations of which he was never fond of being reminded. He needed Levi’s intuition to understand and interpret certain aspects of human behavior.

Problem could see things that had happened or were happening but never what would happen; whereas Levi had a direct link to people’s needs and with that access to control of others reactions. Whether universal body language of deception or Ekman’s myopathic twitch of a facial muscle alluding to deceit, Levi naturally picked it up and could mimic or respond accordingly. During one of his many adolescent inpatient stints a mental health nurse asked him in faux therapeutic tone if he understood the word manipulative. He had replied uncertainly and shyly ‘To understand what people are going to do and make them do something else?’ At the checkout, Problem said ‘We’ve got about thirty minutes before she’s in the front door.’ Levi could still feel irritation in the sending so he said nothing and paid for his groceries preparing himself for the evening. It all would have been made much more manageable had she not started fucking her boss but he was adaptable and had improvised in far more chaotic situations than this one with success.

When he rounded the corner, Problem sent a clear image of Steph still in her work uniform with an open bottle of wine on the kitchen table. She was watching her phone and smoking nervously. He could see the dry mouth, lower throat clench sensation of uncontrollable anxiety, the lower back ache of the stress induced need to shit; a lovely pristine image of a sense of lost control and abandonment. It all brought a sense of satisfaction to Levi. He switched on his phone and made his way up the stairs coming in the door just as missed call notifications began to ping in his pocket. Steph jumped up quickly and came over hugging him, then kissing him first hard, then delicately before spacing just enough to look into his eyes. ‘Hey’ he said affecting a nauseatingly endearing tone that seemed to suggest to her that that was nice. ‘I’ve had such a shit day’ she sighed while still keeping her arms around him and nuzzling her head into his neck.

‘Where’s your stuff? It looked like you packed up and left? I tried to ring a couple times but it just went straight to answer phone.’ She said all this effecting perfect curiosity with no trace of the panic and overwhelming abandonment she had been feeling before he had opened the door. ‘Really? Must have been signal. My stuffs under the bed. The room was starting to look a state so I had a tidy up.’ He eased out of her embrace went into the kitchen to begin the ritual of unpacking. ‘Yay Hendrick’s and Olives!’ she said in a playful tone as he grabbed two glasses and began fixing drinks. ‘So why was it a shit day sweetie?’ He asked as he brought over the drinks, caring boyfriend oozing from every movement he made. Levi knew that inspiring security and affection went far beyond eye contact and listening, and were more of an art of appearing completely invested down to your molecules. This was how people dreamed of others listening and caring and he had perfected the depiction of the fantasy being a reality long ago.

‘Well you know my manager? The one who keeps trying it on? He just made me real uncomfortable today. All bloody day he kept getting right in my space you know what I mean? At one point in the office his hand brushed my ass and it felt like it was intentional, but he like played it off like it was an accident you know.’ Levi sighed, pretending the role of the male who is worried for her well being but unable to control the affront to his ownership of her. He could feel her thriving on it as she interpreted his intent and disposition as just that. ‘Do you want me to come in and have a word? I can if you want?’ She glared at him for a split second with a brief look of malice. ‘He’d probably just try to fire me if you did that Danny.’ He saw her surprise at the tone of irritation she let slip at his response. ‘I’m sorry baby. It really has been a shit day and I think I’m just cranky.’ He smiled in a perfect mask of understanding and concern.

‘How about this. I’ll run you a bath and you can wash the stink of the restaurant off.’ Levi said in a soothing affectionate tone. ‘And the stench of fridge fucking, get the frost bite off the flaps love!’ Problem sent laughing with sinister delight. Well at least he was over his irritation and getting back to his usual vulgar insufferability ‘We’ll book a cab and go grab an Indian in Bournemouth. We can spend the night making fun of the war painted orange skinned Paris Hilton wannabees walking by the restaurant and put the world to rights over absurd amounts of food and booze? Laugh over how much wood would a Kardashian suck if a Kardashian could suck wood? My treat.’ She reached up stroking his face gently, green eyes filled with a beautiful mimicked look of perfected faux adoration. She was a beautiful woman, Levi had to give her that. ‘Ok baby. You’re amazing. You know that?’ Problem’s hysterics grew into howls of laughter. ‘No I’m not, I’m actually horrible. You just need to get out more often’ Levi responded in both a joking manner and caring tone. She stood up and brought his head into her stomach stroking it ‘Well I disagree.’ As she went into the bedroom Problem stopped cackling and sent ‘Well, at least one of you just told the truth.’

An hour and a half later they were in the cab on their way into the town center. Steph professed to hate clubbing and did her best to play the down to earth girl who cared for every left of the aisle cause and who got enjoyment from simple things. Wine and meals with friends, good music, long walks on the beach, bad Alanis Morrisette hooks and Ani Difranco grunts. Her dating website profile read like all the others who aspired to the same absurd image that they cared for everything and had value superior to others for possessing that nature. Levi hated all politics as well as anything resembling the false paradigm of the Left Right dichotomy. He was fascinated by the esoteric as anyone with another a completely separate personality living in their head would be, but he could never believe in anything resembling political ideologies. Political dogmas annoyed him, it wasn’t that he had a delusion of seeing a bigger picture but he did see the effectiveness and appeal in dealing with the immediate and accessible, so why vote? With what he was doing here though, adopting a convert like attitude to the left was what was required for him to successfully seduce and gain what he needed. Had she been conservative he would have done the same.

When he had engaged her online Problem had made it simple to hook her, but Levi hadn’t really needed the help. He only needed to out virtue signal her, tut and tisk on que, and echo her words in an agreeable fashion. This wasn’t difficult. The need to believe herself a good person was all that needed endorsement and by his presence as a person who seemed a genuinely kind natured soul; that endorsement was granted. So Levi became Danny. Danny was a charity worker who had spent eight months in Nigeria working with the Red Cross. Danny had completed University but after a couple of years of teaching felt he wasn’t doing enough to help out those in need. If Danny had existed as a genuinely kind person leaking altruism from every pore, Steph would still be impulsively attempting deceit, infidelity, and assertion of control. As long as she could delusionally self affirm and find endorsement of those self affirmations she could do anything. Danny endorsed everything she needed to believe in. As the taxi drove them off into the night Levi felt complete contentment knowing he was going to destroy it all.

End of part 1.