Warning: This series will contain Adult Themes, depictions of violence, misogynist characters, and hentai tentacles
2nd of February, 2389. To the west was Uchiura Bay, which gave the city of Date a nice inland breeze during the day and kept the city warm during the night. Today's sun shone brightly enough to notice the haze of low orbital shrapnel that the Martians had used to seal the planet Earth forever. It was theoretically possible to fly a heavily armored shuttle through the 8000 meter per second kill zone, but the fuel expenditures of such a heavily armored vehicle precluded the matter as an economic reality. It was for the best, as Martian women were generally a bit chubbier and more fragile than Satoshi would like. Among the long term effects of diminished gravity on human physiology were reduced muscular development and bone density.
The food stand had many empty stools in the hours between breakfast and lunch, which was perfect for the attention-hating Satoshi. The stand had the best price on gyudon within a twenty kilometer radius of Fort Nakajima and there was no line during this time. Satoshi liked to load up on beef after a morning of P.T. and this was the best place to do it. The bowl was almost entirely shredded beef as opposed to the thin layer atop rice that was served in the mess hall. He would eat the soreness away, then run some errands, and then make preparations for Kami's apprentice ceremony.
"Bi-shoujo, 6 O'Clock," Kaoru said as his large, beautiful, drooping eyes widened into a puppy stare. An excited blush formed on his high cheekbones as he nudged Satoshi, turning his pointed low-bridge nose at the pretty girl on the street near the corner stand. "Drill curls hair and zettai ryoiki leggings are my favorite."
Beautiful girl? Satoshi scoffed and swiped left with his hand, stopping short of colliding into Kaoru's fingers. He was trying to enjoy his beef bowl with his best friend but he resigned himself to talking about girls. "Bi-" Satoshi began, upwardly inflecting the word beautiful with a slight pause before continuing, "Shoujo?" Satoshi took a quick note of the woman's brand name clothes, expensive shoes, and holophone 5. "She's okay. I just feel sorry for the salaryman who is working himself to death while his darling is out shopping and flirting with other men."
"If you talk like that, you'll die old and alone." replied Kaoru, making quick eye contact with Satoshi before continuing to admire the sights. He was still adjusting to the presence of women after being discharged from a four year tour in the former Japanese Demilitarized Zone. It was fortunate since carrying a 3D Drone-printer and 30 kilograms of munitions all day long had given Kaoru a physique to match his exceptional face. "That's why you keep ruining your marriage meetings."
Satoshi shrugged. The marriage meetings were a regular annoyance that came with being the son of a Daimyo warlord. His father was running for office and was lacking the votes needed to be elected to Shogun. Between that and the responsibilities at Miyazuki Cybernetics, Daimyo Miyazuki could hardly be blamed for utilizing his son from time to time. "It can't be helped. I was told the last girl was an amazing cook and a virgin. HA. Turns out she had flawless hands and had no gag reflex."
"Wait, what? What does that have to do with anything? Aren't you just being an asshole?" said Kaoru, finally returning his attention to his best friend of eleven years as the pretty sights disappeared.
"Anyone with experience cooking has countless cuts and burns on their hands. And... well... No gag reflex means..." Satoshi said while adjusting his glasses with his index finger. "All the women I get set up with are garbage. I can't be blamed for treating them as such."
Kaoru was incredulous. "How did you even check for a gag reflex?"
"We fed each other. I'm romantic like that. I pretended to chip one of her teeth with the spoon and then I took her to the dentist. Paid the dentist five hundred thousand yen [$4700] to test her while fixing her unchipped tooth." bragged Satoshi. He was a shameless asshole with both a love of women and a disdain for them. It was difficult to believe, as Satoshi was quite plain-faced, but a powerful family goes a long way. His tapered salaryman's haircut and matching his white dress shirt and black dress pants were perfect camouflage in any Japanese crowd.
"You really are a scheming villain," said Kaoru. "You're like the main character of that UnSterile series. A woman-abusing jerk. 37.5% more evil than Hitler."
"I'm not an abusive jerk. I'm tsundere." said Satoshi while tilting his head sideways towards Kaoru with a smile. "And I love that series, the main character is hilarious."
"You. can't. treat. women. like. that." replied Kaoru, emphasizing each word. "Tsundere girls are funny and endearing. Tsundere boys are abusive assholes."
Chuckling to himself, Satoshi leaned forward and stared Kaoru down. "Women love assholes. Gentlemen are boring. No woman wants a man who agrees with everything she says and fawns over her constantly. Hell. When I go full retard, women get so wet that Jews start collecting two of every animal."
"I... damn..." He struggled not to laugh and managed only to get out a few words. Kaoru wanted to disbelieve Satoshi. Unfortunately, Tachibana Kaoru's family had served the Miyazuki clan in the three generations since the 5th World War. Kaoru was employed as Satoshi's bodyguard and was forced to stand guard not too far from all of Satoshi's adventures as well as picking up Satoshi's antibiotics from the pharmacy. Nevertheless, it was a fairly sweet job that paid him to hang out with his ever-amusing best friend.
"I sell bodily fluids, they buy. What other conclusion can I draw when they keep paying me in sexy oppai? They enjoy the emotional rollercoaster," answered Satoshi. "This is why dating apps for BCharmingly is 95% men. Because 500 factors of compatibility with boring guys is still boring. Thugger is 90% female because women love the excitement of bad boys. They can swipe right on an endless conveyer belt of assholes."
"You shouldn't use women for sex," responded Kaoru.
"Bullshit. They use ME. The female orgasms last anywhere from twice as long to twenty times as long as male's. Scans of brain activity and anecdotal evidence also suggests that it is ten times more intense in females than males. I get a 7 second tickle and she gets a half minute lower body massage. And she can get multiple in a row. That is not a fair trade. I'm getting ripped off." Satoshi picked up his cup of sake wine and continued to speak. "Your problem is that you are a perfect gentleman. You are plain rice. Women don't want that. They love the excitement and fun. They want a song of rice and vinegar. That's sake. I'm rice that's rotten to the core and fermented to perfection."
"THAT'S what the restaurant name means?" Kaoru exclaimed at the very moment Satoshi took a sip. Kaoru rolled his eyes upwards, tilted his head to the right, and tapped the side of his head with one of his knuckles.
It wasn't so much the words themselves, but the exaggerated emotion combined with the goofy facial expression that made Satoshi spray sake wine out of his nose and onto his empty bowl. "Well played, Kaoru. Well played... You might make for a fine asshole one day."
"Domo arigato, sensei. I learn from the best."