Finish The Story Contest - WEEK #30! My Entry

in finishthestory •  6 years ago 

I want to first start by saying that I am glad to see this is back. I really enjoy taking part in this contest. A thank you to @dirge for the start of the story you wrote this week. It was really good and easy to flow off. I am sure some others will have a really different take but mine was fun to write. For anyone that wants to take part check out the post here or if you like my story and lot and want to vote for it you can do that in the comments on that post. Okay so now it is time for this weeks story.

The Battle of Bloodneck Valley

by @dirge

Shog, called the Bonecrusher by his people, knew they’d lost when human horns roared across the battlefield. The Imperiate had come after all, to aid their elven allies of the Alish’tae Republic. Shog’s people, orcs of the Galak Tribe, so named after the mountain upon which they’d once lived, fought hard and well. But they fought alone.
Orcs no allies. Not even their Gods, the Old Ones, cared anymore.

As the morning sun crept above the clouds, illuminating the blood soaked fields, the Imperiate horsemen charged out from the forest. Muk’nola, matriarch of the Galaks, sounded her war horn, signalling the retreat. But it would be too late, Shog knew. Those horsemen would slaughter them as they fled. Their children, next.

An elf, empowered by the sense of looming victory, stormed forward from their line, straight towards Shog. He parried the elf’s longsword then heaved his mighty hammer, Breaker of Worlds, in a perfect arc. It smashed upon the elf’s helmeted skull, and he proved his namesake for the countless time. The elf’s head exploded in bone and carnage.

“Back!” he heard. “Fall back!” In disarray, the others around him fled towards Bloodneck Valley, where they’d encamped. Their position fell. Shog screamed to maintain the line but knew the day was lost. His people fled. He had no choice but to follow.

He reached the camp, already nearly moving again, fleeing up the valley to the highlands. Shog, exhausted, reached Zee-zee, his daughter, and Gheelah, his love. Gheelah had already packed their yurt and few remaining possessions. “Flee!” he shouted to her.

“And you?” Gheelah asked.

“I stay to hold them back.”

In typical orcish fashion, their utter devotion, love and mutual respect expressed itself only in their shared gaze, never in public, spoken word. He gripped her hand. He told Zee-zee to be strong. Gheelah nodded. Then the doy galloped away with the rest of the fleeing, broken host.

Muk-nola, matriarch, rallied the remaining Galak warriors. They reformed to a single line. Bloodneck Valley was narrow. Rocky. Layered with crimson colored clay. The land elevated as it led to the Highlands, their only advantage.

Maybe at the height of the tribe’s strength, before the humans had come with their purges and stolen their land, before the elves had arrived to ‘cleanse the world of evil’, maybe they would have been strong enough. But Shog saw they had a few hundred left. A few hundred to hold a line against an entire battalion of Imperiate horsemen and Alish’tae swordsmen, the latter no doubt already being reinforced.

The ‘Fair Folk’ would aim to eradicate the Galak now, as they fled.

Shog marched up to Muk-nola. She hailed him. “Yog-Sothoth burns in us,” she said.

“Yog-Sothoth hasn’t given a shit about us since Galak Mountain ceased its fire,” Shog replied.

Imperiate horns loomed. The sun flared, blinding Shog for a moment. Another disadvantage. The ground rumbled with the cavalry charge.

“Either way. I’ll crush his soul in hell. Right after I’m done with these Fair Folk.”

my ending starts here

The rumbling grew as the Imperiate horsemen came into view the gleam of their armor one more reminder of the riches they had stolen from us. Shog looked up and down the line very few had a decent weapon let alone armor. He looked down at his hammer passed down over the years down his line that would end today. “Breaker of Worlds” it was called and it had served him well but if it was truly crafted by Yog-Sothoth it’s magic had faded away along with their god.

Shog prepared to face the horsemen as they grew very close now. He gripped down on his hammer curing Yog-Sothoth in his mind “LET ME PROTECT THEM!” he yelled as a vision of his daughter flashed in front of his eyes. He raised his hammer into the air and stared at it. “Show me the POWER you hold!! With that the hammer began to glow a hot white and a heat boiled from it that flowed in Shog giving him a strength unlike anything he had known before. He stepped forward from the line.

“Get back in line Shog, We must hold this line for as long as we can” Muk-nola shouted

“Yog-Sothoth Burns In ME! I must stop them here and now” Shog said his voice echoing in the valley.

Shog ran towards the horsemen and leap into the air higher than any Orc had in many years. He held the Breaker of Worlds high above his head and as he came back down he stuck the ground in front of the horsemen and it broke. The land cracked far and wide and the jagged edge came up to meet the Imperiate. They screamed as they where impaled on sharp rocks and fell into the crack that had appeared before them. The rest of the Orcs came right behind Shog and jumped on top of them it was over before it had begun. The Imperiate horsemen that could turn to run away and the Alish’tae stopped as they saw them coming back.

The Alish’tae had been reinforced but paused as the horsemen came back. The report was nonsense a hammer couldn’t break the land like that. Yet there was a large crack in the land and he did feel the earth shake a bit. It must have been luck. The leader order his men to line up the Orcs would not escape this day.

Shog looked out at the Alish’tae still in battle formation. He still head his glowing hammer in his hands and the other orcs watched him for what to do next. He looked around and found what he wanted a large boulder was in the rubble. He walked to it and picked it up and quickly used his hammer to launch it at the Alish’tae formation as it headed towards them they broke and the one who didn’t run fast enough were crushed.

“Yog-Sothoth does burn in you Shog. He has returned to us and finally chosen our patriarch” said Muk-nola

“Yog-Sothoth can burn for making us wait so long. But I will use this power to Protect us. And get back our home one day.” Shog replied

With that they went to meet up with the others. A miracle had happened at least one Old God had returned. But would he be the only one Muk-nola wondered.

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This post was submitted for curation by: @f3nix
This post was given a rating of: 0.9964583956062695
This post was voted: 99.8%

This is an interesting exercise. I like it because different writers can take it different directions. I like how yours ended.

One might first think that the chosen twist in your story is not very sensitive. But far from it.

You draw attention to something that is the subject of a great human dispute and that separates the feminine from the masculine. As much as I rebel internally against the word "patriarch" and shed bitter tears because it triggers sadness in me that two strong people apparently do not unite their strengths, the story critic takes a different view and says: "Painful and yet fitting, it resonates with much of the history we have been writing since.

A very thoughtful sentence from the mouth of Muk-nola, who sets a mark here.

It could also have been that Shog only temporarily puts the decisions into his hammer. But no ... it had already announced itself in the course of the plot. You really continued to tell it stringently.

So I join @sarez and repeat also his sentence:

The Last line is a good punch.

Thank you you saw so much that was in my mind.

Epic, and I enjoyed where you took the story. I was hoping for "Breaker of Worlds" to take the spotlight!

Also very close to what I had in mind as an ending!

The Last line is a good punch.

I really like the fact that you wanted to give a hope of salvation to the orcs. The reader of the first part written by @dirge is led to empathize with them, but to fear for their probable defeat, so it is a liberating catharsis to read the description of the miraculous force of Yog-Sothoth that allows Shog to open a crevasse in the ground with the hammer and defeat the enemies.

After Erika and Marco, I just feel like adding that here the action was flowing better and the final kicker has been a clever idea..very traditional ending, enriched with that final return-of-the-gods theme.

Awesome job, I really like the way you, took the built up empathy toward the orcs and broke the oppression. I do like the infused hammer too, I wish I had thought of that...

Thank you this was fun to write.

And so Yog-Sothoth returned, and the sky was bathed in holy red. Oh blessed are the Galaks, for they held the line and were courageous in hopeless conditions! Hey ho! Upvot'd and resteem'd.
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