For Those I leave Behind
That is all there is to it. Beng born into a family that does not suit you. People who are strangers attempting to act like they like you. Well, of course they have to like you. You were sadly born from them. If you could choose,what type of family would you want to spend your life with?
My ideal surprisingly, would be poor cabin dwelling people far up in the mountains. No, I would probably not be well educated,but why would I want to be? Learnng how to survive through anything is my nature. So yes, I would enjoy the life of chopping wood,getting water from a stream,catching dinner, and all that comes with it.
I knew from the age of 5, that I was different from others around me. While my neighborhood girlfriend played with barbie dolls and houses,I was content with melting crayons on coke bottles,putting worms on fire,playing manhunt,and just being alone.The problem with this was my mother tried to raise me with class, with sophistication,with the importance of makng money.
The first crack in that ideal dream was I hated math,therefore hated money. Money was not the all consuming thing for me like it was with my parents. I wanted to go explore my world.I wanted to know how things worked.I had no desire to integrate myself with others.
Being the oldest,I bore the brunt of punishment.I was the one who tried to get my brothers to do things that would end with punishment. I never felt loved. By anyone but my Nana.I had no heroes, no idols. I clung to every sparse tree there was to be found in the neghborhood.
I coveted books like they were gold.I read as much as I could and even wrote many stories,poems,and little sayings I would make up.I could not find my way in life. I was confused,with no direction.My tombstone would read,"I was here,but never found a purpose". I was not a gogetter,rather I was a drifter,watching people live their lives with boredom.
Looking back, I realize I have been living with depression since the first grade.I cannot remember more than a handful of happy times.I tried to avoid being the center of attention.Yet whatever I did,drew attention,and not the good kind.I look back on my life and it is one big BlahBlahBlah.
I was tested and had a high IQ.But hearing the words,"she does not assert herself",and "she has enormous potential" just made me more confused.
No one person is alike in this world. Sure, some may have the same interests, or maybe they have the same qualities.But the world is filled with so many people,that it scares me. And while it scares me,it also makes me feel insignificant.
So,just what is it that I was looking for? I am 54 years old now, and I have not found my place in the world.I seem to just drift through each day,waiting for the end of days for me.According to my parents, I will never measure up to what they expected of me.I think of my father and all I can see is hot boiling red color. I can feel his hatred beaming upon me.My mother is someone I can't explain. I have no words to describe it.
My joy is my two children.I raised them the way I would have liked to be raised.They are the best kids anyone could ever hope for.And they will be okay in life.They will have great lives.To live as they wish to.
Being lonely, yet not social, is a dilemma. Figure that sentence out.And let me know if you have an answer for it.
Giving up, yet fighting for what is fair and what is right is another dilemma.I am such a contridiction.I am a dreamer,but for me my dreams MUST make sense.I think of ways to please people,but 10 minutes later,I feel that the thoughts seem insignifcant.
What is wrong with me?
Why am I so tired,yet I can't sleep? I have nothing to give to the world.I have no reason to exist.I am hoping to get struck by a truck and make it easier to leave this world.
I've always wanted to learn music,but when I tried, I was just lost. I can't read music.
There are a lot of can'ts in my life.
A lot of my life has to do with my upbringing.It didn't affect my brothers but it hit me like a ton of bricks.Self esteem is non existant. I don't even believe in myself, so how can anyone else?