My Journey with an Eating Disorder; 'A Gold Contract'

Hello! I decided to write briefly about an issue that I rarely talk about. Although short, I hope that this might be comforting to someone who has struggled or is struggling with problems with food. This sort of topic can be somewhat awkward and it's not something that most including myself readily talk about...

Imagine I handed you a beautiful contract. It is written in gold on parchment paper and promises you a life of happiness and success, all you have ever wanted . As well as this, you would become even more beautiful and have the body of your dreams. You would attract the kind of partner that you would like to spend your life with.

You'd probably be elated! One simple contract, to make your whole life infinitively better, yes please! So you, naturally, sign this contract. However, you've made a big mistake, as you didn't read the fine print. All along I was manipulating you, I knew you wouldn't bother to look into it. And now you have to face the consequences of falling into this trap.

Having an eating disorder is like signing a beautiful contract with a manipulative contractor. When someone depends on an eating disorder to find relief, a sanctuary, some hope, they are being manipulated into believing that they depend on it to survive, at least that was my experience.

When I initially began restricting my food, I did not understand the road I would be embarking on and the contract I was signing. I was only fifteen years old, and I wanted to be an accepted member of a ballet community. I believed that loosing weight meant that I would be more happy, accepted, successful. When I lost weight, I was accepted into an excellent ballet school in England and was offered jobs with Abercrombie and people suggested that I should start modelling! Wow, I thought. This is why I should be skinny for the rest of my life, it's all down to this.

Thus began my journey with an eating disorder. Eventually I gained back all the weight and started binge eating. Then I lost all the weight and became anorexic, then orthorexic (obsessive healthy eating) then once again a binge eater. As well as this, I have lost so much life experience to an eating disorder; I have never had a partner, I did not go to my debs (or prom!) and I have spent so much time in my house not experiencing life as I believed it wasn't for me because I couldn't control myself around food.

To this day, I struggle with this problem. It will probably always be something that I will have to battle. Although it is not comfortable to write or discuss this, I think it is important to acknowledge issues such these. I hope that if you are struggling with your food, body or weight, that you can take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. <3

Talk to you soon.
Kerrie x