I often wonder if today’s version of forgiving someone for something has been replaced with pretending to forgive and keeping said individual at arms length. I only wonder about this because, at 40, I’ve just begun to grasp the concept of forgiveness.
There is a level of character building that’s required to get to a place where you can release emotional hostages though your mind tells you they’ve trespassed and deserve to be “punished”. Building character takes a lifetime, so if you think you’ve finished that journey — you definitely have a ways to go.
I think, character building begins with humility. Though, I know for me, the last thing I want to do with someone who continuously engages in hurtful behavior, is humble myself before them. Oh but it’s necessary. I know, I know, this sounds totally ridiculous and impossible. I felt the same way not that long ago. Even now, there is a moment before I take my deep breath where I have to stop myself from reacting.
When someone, regardless of the effect they have on you, harms you, betrays you, disrespects you and is disloyal and or dishonest, we tend to want to either punish them immediately with our words, our absense or perhaps even getting physical. None of which, by the way, is in anyway a resolution. Things usually escalate, requiring us to have even more to forgive one another for.
But what if we took a breath? What if in that breath we actually think about how much we do to cross others ourselves. What if, we think hard enough and realize, we never meant to, anymore than the person crossing us meant to. Intentions are a pretty big deal and we simply can’t ignore them.
For example if it is a person’s intention to beguile you into thinking they are someone they aren’t, it’s reasonable to remove them from your inner circle. Yes, even they deserve your forgiveness, their intentions are to get what they can from you—- your reaction shouldn’t be hate, or retribution, or to punish them, simply give them nothing.
Another example is a popular one: infidelity. Many think of it as the ultimate betrayal. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve gotten old....but I honestly can think of 100s of things that are worse offenses than someone cheating on me. That’s just me though. I digress.
I think it’s important that we live in the moment and make each moment count. These moments should count towards the goals you have set before you to platform your journey. What people do that in no way hinder your journey should be seen as the trivial distractions that they are. They will not keep you from being great— not if you don’t allow them to. 
I hope that some of this helps...
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Hi Mina! Glad to see your first post. We could definitely have a conversation about forgiveness. I've a had a couple situations in my life that really forced me to reckon with it, as a concept, and how I choose to practice it. I like what you said about thinking of a 100 things worse than someone cheating on you. I agree, and it made me smile because I probably wouldn't have been able to say that when I was younger. I had a family member steal almost everything I owned to buy drugs once, and I honestly never really forgave. Its complicated.
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Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post.
Yes! Complicated is an understatement!
I know this may sound like I’ve oversimplified, but I know with every neuron of my being that living simply, is the answer to everything. Especially with respect to mindfulness.
I think that it’s first good to go ahead and allow yourself to be angry about it. The anger is the fabric that binds the person(s) who hurts us to our form of punishment (be it silence, general distain, or actively being mean to them).
Eventually all those negative feelings...tear us up inside and spill into the lives of those who would never do such things. I think it’s important that we release them, unwrap them from the folds of guilt and transgression. Free them of your energy.
Not for them.
For you. For your family. For the wonderful people in your life...that...like I said, would NEVER be anything but a beautifully lit beacon in your life.
All that stuff weighs us down.
Release it all 🙌🏽
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Update:
So I started to really pick apart this forgiveness thing, and I think that it’s a far more relative concept than to blanket our responses to our trespassers. Meaning, it all depends if the offense is something you can legitimately move past. In the sense of a cheating significant other, I can forgive. However, a pedofile - or in a case like yours where the offender doesn’t get help.
To forgive means we go back to the way it was. It never happened.
I’m sorry — but pedofiles should be monitored at all times and what they do to children - isn’t a wound that can heal fully. Therefore it’s nearly impossible to go back to the way it was.
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